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RHONY Recap: Terrapin Time

At this point everyone is over Luann, except for Luann. Even her puppet Babs the Bisexual Builder climbed out of her asshole because she could tell the ship was going down. Bethenny finally confronted Lu over all the shit talking she’s been doing for the entire season from being mad she left the Halloween party early to her weird quip in the Berkshires.

The only person on this cast who can actually challenge Luann and take her to town is Bethenny and their reoccurring beef of Skinnygirl being fed up with the Cuntess’ diva behaviour is a cornerstone of this show. Everything thinks Lu is being a diva but she can’t hear them. The only “apology” she gave Bethenny was that she was sorry she couldn’t stay to see her perform. What the actual fuck. That is the biggest non-apology I’ve ever seen in Housewives land but Bethenny couldn’t even be bothered to chase for an actual “I’m sorry”. Is it really an apology if Lu doesn’t make it about herself? She didn’t care enough to take notice of the other girls who actually stayed and sat through Money Can’t Buy You Class for the 400th time, but if Bethenny leaves the claws come out.

After an entire season of me being annoyed by Bethenny’s entire existence, she came back fresh this season and I’m liking the laid back Bethenny who only comes into action to try and keep the cabaret star accountable for her weird fame obsession. Lu doesn’t see any fault because she’s still in her cabaret bubble fuelled by queens giving her attention, so even if Michelle Obama tried to give her a talking to, Lu wouldn’t even take it onboard. I love a good old fashioned Bethenny vs Luann fight because Lu always ends up looking like a blabbering idiot because everyone can agree that Bethenny is 100% in the right. After their spat this episode, I actually had more appreciation for both women because they can fight and make up without dragging it out for an entire season like those bitches over in Beverly Hills.

Following the weird non-apology, everyone rallied together and got ready for dinner in a weird Upstate town named Rhinestone, which just so happened to be where Ramona Singer grew up. What are the chances? And for the record, everyone arguing about which upstate town is better is redundant because they’re upstate: it’s all boring there. Sorry to any Upstate readers but show me a place that’s open past 11 and maybe I’ll change my mind. Sonja stuck her hand in a socket to get her hair ready for dinner to have a look that was "post sex electric shock chic". Ramona’s origin story is wild and she finally explained what actually happened to her as a child instead of using it as an excuse for her current bad behaviour in an argument.

Basically, Ramona’s dad was a pig who beat the shit out of her mother and then refused to pay for any sort of funeral ceremony, however, when Ramona made the whole thing happen out of her pocket he claimed it was all him. Oh and then he left her nothing in the will. It’s one thing to just leave her out of the will, however, to explicitly state that he was leaving her nothing is just fucking cold. What a cunt. Just when everyone is shitting on Ramona for being an asshole and not inviting them to her birthday party, she redeems herself by talking about her harsh upbringing. Ramona Singer always knows how to turn it around.

However, in regards to Ramona claiming she wasn’t in charge of the guest list the producers couldn’t help but throw in the flashback of her telling the host of the party not to invite Sonja, multiple times. Would it be so bad if she added two extra people and invited Sonja and Dorinda to come? This is where Ramona is a vindictive bitch because out of anyone on the cast, those two are her real friends. And she’s what, 63 at this point? Why does she need to have so many different celebrations for something that happens every year? Have one party and be done instead of a series of month long events that nobody really cares about, to begin with. After the girls ate dinner they were supposed to see some blind 80-year-old Cuban woman put on a cabaret however nobody actually wanted to go. Can you guess why?

Bethenny held a cabaret boycott because there has been more than enough cabaret in this group to last a lifetime, so Bethenny, Dorinda and Ramona decided to have a drink where Ramona’s mother’s funeral was in a place which meant turtle. What are the fucking odds? Was it rude for them to ditch Lu’s pre-planned event? Yeah. But there was no way the producers were gonna miss Ramona and Bethenny dishing about their abusive upbringings.

In a weird bar in the middle of nowhere, Luann managed to find a bevy of gays interested in cabaret. Leave it to Lu to seek out a gaggle of homosexuals in a small upstate town just to watch some old blind girl sing a botched rendition of Money Can’t Buy You Class. It was like looking into a crystal ball seeing this woman attempting to sing Lu’s number one song by hitting a keyboard while wearing more sequins than one should ever wear. I understand cabaret is about being over the top and fabulous but haven’t we suffered enough? Cabaret is almost becoming the Puppy Gate of the tri-state area.

While Margarita sang to a room full of people trying not to block their ears (she wouldn’t be able to see anyway) Bethenny spoke about her anorexic mother and although we’ve always known Bernadette was a piece of work, Bethenny has rarely spoken out about what a cunt she actually was. She tried to kill herself in front of a seven-year-old Bethenny and then made her go clubbing with her in Europe at the age of 13 just so she had someone to drink with. No wonder Bethenny is the way she is. Her dad would also drag her mother up and down the house by her hair while Bethenny would call the police, which is truly traumatising. Above everything Ramona and Bethenny have been through, I’m just glad their bad pasts somehow bond them together and although they aren’t best friends they have this weird relationship unlike they have with anyone else.

The next morning everyone brought their hungover asses to Lu’s house where Babs told the story of how she made out with a 70s looking Tarzan. Barbara is definitely the horniest on the cast and she won’t just talk about it and tease the idea of hooking up with someone, she’ll make it happen which is something I can appreciate. I just would’ve loved to see their drunk make-out session.

Somehow the episode ended with Dorinda and Ramona fighting about Singer’s rude behaviour all season from ditching her at the angel ball to yelling at her during that beyond cringeworthy Bridie speech to make a weird face when Dorinda said she wanted to leave. I’m not sure what they were even fighting about but seeing these old bitches going at it never gets old because Dorinda always reigns supreme over Ramona’s ass. Has Ramona Singer ever been in the right? I think maybe twice in her Housewives career but that’s why she’s great TV.

New York is miles ahead of its sister cities and is my favourite franchise by far, however, they’ve already taped the reunion and their trip is in the NEXT EPISODE so I don’t understand why we are getting such a short season but I’d prefer quality over quantity anyday.

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!

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