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RHONY Recap: Miami Vices

The New York Housewives are the best city in the entire franchise. I know I say it every single week but somehow this nugget of information hasn’t been told to Babs the Bisexual Builder. How can you join a show full of crazy, menopausal, alcoholic women and not stay up late drinking and fighting with them? Every time Babs has gone away with these women she goes to bed early and locks herself in her room to stay away from the crazy which is literally the opposite of what any good Housewife should do.

Barbara isn’t like the other women. She knows when to stop drinking and doesn’t have the crazy streak you need to last on this show so if she doesn’t want to be there, nobody’s making her stay around. Yes, Ramona was a total bitch for excluding Babs right to her face but if you’re a newbie on New York you have to come to accept Ramona by either calling her out right to her face or doing the exact same thing back to her just ask Kristen, Heather, Aviva, Tinsley and the several other new women that have had to deal with her weird narcissistic behaviour.

The ladies had to pull Barbara to the side to literally tell her they’re loud opinionated women who make great TV and if she doesn’t like she can pick up her Diva Toolbox and walk out the door. I like Barbara and on paper she should work in this franchise but I’m starting to understand why she got lumped in as a friend. Babs obviously didn’t read her job description before she signed her Bravo contract. Bethenny’s always been on her own island away from the Upper East Side ladies who lunch but even she gets that you need to have a strong personality and a liver of steel to make it work in this group.

Following Sonja's face plant at the dinner table, Bethenny called an ambulance to make sure her friend didn't die in the middle of the night and you would think after smashing your face onto a hard marble Miami Vice floor that you would either sober up or pass out but Sonja just keep going like it never happened. Literally she finished off her sentence about knocking Bethenny out right after she almost died on TV, kept trying to makeout with Bethenny (and her butt) before the paramedics arrived and thought Clinton was the president. Which Clinton though? Hillary? Is Drunk Sonja in an alternate universe with Carole Radziwill as the vice president? Sonja Morgan is a fucking icon and she was acting as if she skulled a gallon of vodka when she really just didn't eat all day and had five welcome drinks.

The longer thing better than Sonja having drunk talk with the paramedics who clearly wanted to be anywhere else was Ramona and Tinsley strolling past the ambulance and stretcher to get into their pre-booked Uber. These ladies always keep going and they're not going to let a drunken ambulance visit stop them from getting drunk at a bar. The paramedics also said in their opinion that Sonja was not on any pills because her eyes weren't dilated, so Luann can shove that up her ass along with her Countess tiara and a cabaret sash.

The next morning the house awoke to Luann screaming out for coffee like her Jovani addiction depended on it while Tinsley and Bethenny woke up together after drinking all night. Where were the fucking cameras when this was happening? I want to see Drunk Tinsley and Drunk Bethenny laughing and having fun together. Somewhere Carole Radziwill is literally shaking.

Long story short: everyone is still sick of Luann. She went outside to vent to Ramona about everyone being jealous of her success and defended not checking on Sonja the previous night because she was too hurt along with a bunch of other narcissistic quotes. Luann needs to fucking chill. She looks like a massive asshole this season and she really has no room to defend her behaviour let alone lash out at the other girls for trying to help her. This may sound horrible but I'll take Drunk Lu any day over pretentious sober Countess Luann. The most shocking part of the following morning wasn't Luann's speech of narcissism but Sonja not having an ounce of a hangover. How the fuck do you fall under a table, almost pee in a bathtub and scream about Harry Dubin without waking up and not being able to function correctly. Add this to the list of reasons that Sonja is an icon, although when you're a professional drinker being hungover is probably just Sonja's default.

Bethenny and Luann organised for the ladies to see their artist friend's exhibits where they were literally being given art pieces off the wall to take home worth thousands of dollars while Ramona skipped the activity to social climb at the One Hotel and used the group's upcoming house party as an excuse. Who needs an entire day to sit by a pool to prepare for a party when you were the one who invited a date to make your ex-husband jealous? Ramona Singer is so full of shit she makes a septic tank jealous. Nothing really happened when they went to go look at art but it nice to have a break from their alcoholic brawls and see these ladies get along for five minutes before they had their house party that night.

For some reason the ladies decided to have a party in their Miami Vice cocaine chic mansion and Ramona took on the party planning duties telling everyone how many people could come when nobody really cared in the first place. It's not your house, it's not your party and they're not even all your guests so Ramona needs to chill. Although she's dating every Tom, Dick and Harry (literally) in the tristate area, Ramona's ultimate game plan is to end up with Mario. She can say what she wants but they had a great marriage for the majority of the time and they still love each other, do you really think Mario would show up on his ex-wife's show twice in one season if he didn't want to bang her? Come on. Mario is looking hotter than ever and I think he's finally ready to have a break from two-something-year-olds sitting on his face to getting back together with Ramona.

During the party, Ramona tried to play the field with her date she invited but a squirrel has more game than this woman. She can't flirt to save her life and it's like a cougar pouncing on her prey to the point where the men want to move to the next town over and file a sexual harassment suit against her. Ramona needs to chill and be herself when talking to men, however, acting like she just did a line of cocaine in the bathroom is her default, so it really just takes a man who can put with Ramona's antics to deal with her, no matter how bad her dating game may be.

The party looked like a fun time and I would've loved to be drunk and snorting lines with the rest of them all over the house but the only other highlights of the night were Luann trying to fuck anything that moved, Tinsley acting like a 12-year-old girl talking to guys, Sonja aggressively deep throating sushi, Dorinda "joking" about cross pollinating with Mario which he shut down quicker than Luann can say "JOVANI" and all the ladies giving a speech to try and embarrass Ramona which just turned into them fighting in front of the guests. Can these women give a speech where it doesn't make the guests stand around awkwardly trying to leave?

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!