RHONY Recap: Cabaret Addict
This was one of the best Housewives episodes in history. Sorry, I’m late to the game but I needed some time to carefully construct a recap that honours such an instantly iconic episode. All you really need to know is that everyone hates Luann.
The episode began with Babs the Bisexual Builder crying about spending four months with these women and not fitting in. Barbara does have a more mellow, calming energy that doesn’t necessarily jive with the rest of the group, however, we haven’t seen the real Babs yet because she’s been so focused on crawling up Luann’s ass and defending her cunty behaviour at every turn, that she forgot to actually forge meaningful relationships with the other ladies instead of using her one with Luann as a crutch.
When a teary-eyed Babs admitted to the group that she was having a tough time they didn’t take her under their wing and give her a supportive hug. No, no. Everyone basically told her that it was her fault and that she needed to try harder to get amongst the action, it’s rough advice but this is top tier Housewives we’re watching, do you think they hug the Lakers when they’re having a bad day? Well, for all I know they would because I’m just guessing that’s some kind of sports team.
Bethenny being the Michael Jordan of Housewives (another sporting reference I don’t understand) told Babs to whack on a bathing suit, start talking to people and get in the game and honestly, there’s no better advice when it comes to a newbie Housewife. Can Bethenny give this pep talk to all the new bitches and save us from having any more Teddi Mellencamps? However, as ruthless as all the bitches were to Barbara, Luann couldn’t find one fuck to give about her friends. She just strolled out of the room and went to her meeting with Sonja. Luann’s an asshole and she treats her closest friends like they’re the doormat at her cabaret show.
Sonja isn’t an alcoholic but she likes to get drunk and entertain everyone while doing so. If Sonja Morgan stops drinking what hope do we have left? Does she use alcohol as a crutch? Possibly. Is she a lightweight? 100% and those two things used in conjunction with reality TV is what could be perceived as an alcoholic, especially with a judgmental Sober Susan talking from the sidelines. Out of respect to Bethenny, Sonja agreed to go to a meeting but what’s the point? If Sonja’s not an alcoholic or doesn’t even think she’s an alcoholic then what good is a meeting going to do? It turns out, a whole lot of nothing. Sonja ended up freaking out from all the sob stories she heard and when it came time for she and Luann to meet the others at the beach, she started freaking out about sand (at the beach) and had a townhouse style meltdown after being triggered from something at the meeting.
As friends, all the ladies rallied around her and agreed to get their food to go, however, Luann, the one who took her to the meeting, complained about everyone heading back and wanted to go for a swim. Is she deaf? This bitch obviously needs a hearing aid if her friend is crying while she’s worried about her beach swim. It’s really hard to watch how Luann doesn't see that she’s an asshole but I guess she’s more drunk on her “sobriety” kick than she ever was on alcohol. I’m ready for Drunk Lu to come back because she was a whole lot more fun than this narcissistic cow.
While all the ladies took the food back to the house, Luann went for a leisurely swim in the ocean before visiting her cabaret poster. She visited her fucking poster. Luann de Lesseps went for a walk to go and look at a photo of herself, that’s like masturbating to yourself in the mirror. She doesn’t perform in Miami until February but decided she needed to go look at herself on the side of a building. Does that make sense to anyone? She’s done 875 shows, hasn’t she seen the same photo enough times? Looking at Luann literally get wet looking at that poster was better than sex itself and her asking a random to take a photo of her next to her own poster was like an orgasm. Luann sucks but it’s self-obsessed moments like these that make you cringe-laugh to mildly enjoy her behaviour.
Also, her greatest offence of all wasn’t just ignoring Sonja and Barbara’s tears, going for a swim or even looking at her poster, Luann’s biggest fuck up was not bringing the truffle fries back to the house. Did she ghost the text? Did she reply too late? Was this a subtle fuck you through French fries? I need to know if Luann saw the message and why the fuck she didn’t bring the fries back. I’m more mad about the deep fried sticks of potato not being brought back than anything else the Cuntess has done.
Amid Luann being a total asswipe, it bonded all the ladies back together and even made Babs more apart of the group. I like Barbara the Builder and if she develops real relationships with the women and is more immersed into the group, who’s to say she won’t give us some drunk moments in her second season? I want to see Babs back feuding with Luann and falling under tables drunk. That’s what we need from Babs and her self tanner that stained the white bed was pretty iconic in itself, so there's a start. Someone who’s also come into her own this season is Tinsley.
Mugshot Mortimer used to be the annoying step sister and to a degree she still is, however, she found her voice and is finally earning her apple this season. Seeing Bethenny and Tinsley wake up in bed together and bonding throughout this trip is by far my favourite part. It's a friendship that shouldn’t work but it does and Bethenny carefully trying to help Tinsley with her life from the side is the cornerstone of their relationship, but it’s also a subtle fuck you to Carole who famously denounced Tinsley as her friend last season. Two birds, one stone.
As apart of their new friendship, Bethenny set Tinsley up with a guy who Ramona instantly tried to steal away. Just when everyone was hating on Luann, I forgot how much of monster Ramona was. She would through run three miles of glass barefoot if there was a chance of meeting a guy on the other side. How does this woman invite her ex-husband and her date to a party and then ask her friends about another guy who was there? What the fuck? She can't have all the dick in the world. As of now, Tinsley has rights over Brent (or Brett) but we all know Ramona loves dating her costars men as evidenced by those disgusting Harry Dubin makeout photos. This isn’t me being messy but when I first saw those images I literally threw up in my own mouth and swallowed it a bit. It’s like when baby boomers say they remember where they were when JFK was shot, I remember where I was when I saw Ramona making out with Harry Dubin. They were literally having sex with their mouths and I’m 90% sure she could be pregnant.
Harry Dubin’s sperm doesn’t care that Ramona’s more menopausal than Betty White, his sperm will build eggs just to procreate with another New York Housewife. Does anyone think about Aviva or her children when this stuff happens? Imagine having a father whose main goal in life is to seek out a New York Housewife in their natural habit and fuck them like they’re the last pussy on the planet? Can’t Dubin just stick to masturbating for the sake of the general public? With Harry Dubin and Ramona’s sexual assault of each other’s mouths aside, Tinsley went for drinks with her date and discussed her mugshot, having babies and then ended up making out with him to uphold her title of being the kissing slut of the group. Seriously, people, she is officially an apple holder.
Once the date was over, Tins met the ladies for dinner which Luann came into complaining about being the last one to have a massage and not having her hair done by the group hairdresser. How much ear wax is lodged in this bitch’s head that she doesn’t hear how bad she sounds? So, you can ditch your crying friends, forget the group’s truffle fries, go for a swim and spend an hour looking at a photo of yourself but you should also be at the front of the line for the massages? Who died and made Countess Luann god because she is making Ramona look like Mother Theresa this season. Barbara addressed Lu over dinner about how she had literally stopped her life to be there for her during her relapse but she was upset Luann didn’t do anything for her in her moment of sadness. Instead of apologising and looking inward, Countess just gave her a fake cabaret hug and blamed the other women for changing Babs’ opinion of her. No, no. Barbara has finally seen the light because she pulled her head of Luann’s ass and is breathing in the open air once again.
When Tinsley tried to jump in and prove her point, she accidentally slurred her words which Sober Susan made fun of in her passive-aggressive, judgmental tone. Who the fuck does she think she is? Luann isn’t the first alcoholic to walk the earth and a year ago she was falling into bushes and threatening to kill cops, so she can’t judge anyone for slurring their words. Cuntess is the villain of the season and her coming for Tinsley finally cemented her fate because it was the straw that broke Bethenny’s already crippled back. Little Miss Skinnygirl let out all the rage she’s felt for Luann within the last few months about how she took weeks out of her life to help this woman who has just constantly paid her back through shitty insults and weird comments that don’t make sense.
In an instantly iconic Housewives moment, Bethenny literally lost her shit yelling about how Lu NEVER checked in with her about Dennis after the Bethenny was the one who had to make sure she didn’t drive her car, made sure the police didn’t record her RUNNING THROUGH A FIELD IN LINGERIE and got her into rehab for free which she fled two weeks early to perform cabaret. She left rehab to do her fucking cabaret. She tried in her alcohol addiction for a cabaret one. Luann completely took a diarrhea shit all over Bethenny, Babs and Sonja but not checking in about Dennis is just an example of her self absorbed ways.
Bethenny has been holding onto all that tea for months that somehow TMZ failed to pick up. Why was she running through a field in lingerie? I need answers, I need video footage and I need confessionals from Bethenny, Babs, Sonja and Lu to explain exactly how it went down. Through all of this Ramona and Sonja silently cried, while Babs sat there stunned by Luann unfriending her at the dinner table, Tinsley called Lu out for everything in the background in the perfect bitchy way and Dorinda awaited Bethenny having a heart attack. It was an iconic moment while Luann defended herself and didn’t admit her wrongdoing for anything.
If five women and you’re loyal soldier are all saying you’re a cunt, it’s time to look inward and reflect on how cunty you really are and releasing her “Feeling Jovani” song the day after the episode aired probably wasn’t the best way to show that self-reflection. As annoying and insufferable as Luann is, we wouldn’t have a show without her and this was a classic quintessential Housewives moment where everything came to a head and all ladies were involved. How can anyone say New York isn’t the best franchise?
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!