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RHOP Recap: Taste The Rainbow

Even though it’s always good to see a level of healing on these Housewives shows, there’s a reason they showed the mid-season trailer three times within the one episode. Nothing really happened in this hour of television and I blame it on the absence of Katie. We need our messy borderline junkie wondering around aimlessly in the background for at least five minutes per episode.

When I say nothing happened I really mean that nothing happened. Monique celebrated her rainbow baby after getting pregnant following her miscarriage which bonded her closer with Ashley who went through the same experience. Ashley, Monique and Karen all came together from their losses in order to try and heal their relationships and themselves. It’s essential to see raw Housewives moments and from Monique making a speech about her rainbow baby to Karen crying after a fake medium claimed her dad was in the room, these are the things that make us have a broader and deeper perspective on how these women are aside from their questionable fashion choices and shade throwing skills.

This was a filler episode if I’ve ever seen one and I didn’t even bother to take notes on anything that was happening. Monique’s mother in law apologised for calling her a heifer, which was a nice gesture that she obviously didn’t mean but for the sake of Chris, it’s great that his wife and mother can finally get along. Chris’ mother has a strange energy that I can’t quite understand but I’m not sure what’s in the Maryland water because every single Potomac mother is coming out of the woodwork swinging to try and get attention this season. First Dorothy and now Monique’s mother in law. When are we finally going to find a Potomac mother worthy of our attention? Ashley also went to an acupuncturist to help her get pregnant. Yes, you read that. Instead of going to, you know, a fertility doctor Ashley and her gay husband decided an acupuncturist is the way to get pregnant.

She is really milking this pregnancy storyline for all that it’s worth. Sit on your man’s dick, let him ejaculate inside you and pray for the best, don’t have needles stuck all over your body to stall your pregnancy process. If you want a baby, wouldn’t you get your eggs and ovaries checked out instead of laying on a table and hoping some Chinese needles heal you? This relationship is doomed but it makes it so much more enjoyable knowing that Ashley is pregnant to a man who wants to spend his days putting his mouth on other men’s penises. The only thing that’s more gay than Michael Darby would be Elton John being fisted on a Pride float in NYC dressed as Cher.

Robyn is still renovating her investment property that looks like a house that should be featured on Snapped. The home was gross when she bought it and 10 months later, I really don’t think a fresh coat of paint and new cabinets is going to increase the sale price either. Gizelle decided she wants to jump onboard and renovate her own place but I am not in the mood to see Gizelle running up and down a construction site acting like the head bitch in charge when we all know she’s in love with one of her builders but is too stubborn to admit it. Also, what the fuck happened between Gizelle’s mother and father because she couldn’t even finish her sentence without Mama Bryant cutting her off like the bad end of a ham. Did he cheat? Did he marry her cousin? I don’t really care but there’s no other interesting information Gizelle could provide us with because the only other subject she can find to talk about is Sherman ghosting her like he’s Casper.

Apart from Ashley “trying” to get pregnant, Robyn renovating a home, Karen crying in a weird salt room with a fake medium and Monique’s mother in law apologising, it leaves us with the only point of controversy in the entire episode. Candiace and Gizelle decided to have lunch and Little Miss Trust Fund spilled the tea that should never have been spilled. A good rule of thumb is to never tell Gizelle anything because it will be twisted and throw around more times than a fucking frisbee. I am so over this Green-Eyed Bandit thinking she’s the star of the show when she’s always just played second fiddle to the Grand Dame.

As well as her usual bitching about Ashley, Candiace decided to tell Gizelle about how Monique compared Katie to Amistad. Ugh. I may be behind on my slave references because I had no idea what that meant. I guess Amistad is from a movie? Or maybe a historical figure? I don’t know and I don’t care because first things first, Candiace should have never repeated this to Gizelle. Of all people, Green Eyed Bandit #1 is the one person who makes everything bigger than it is so this was not a smart decision on the newlywed’s behalf.

Secondly, Monique wasn’t comparing her to a slave. She made a funny comment like everyone did about Katie’s “different” energy. It had nothing to do with her looking like a slave and everything to do with her being a weird free spirit with some sort of unknown drug addiction that everyone knows but no one wants to talk about. This is exactly the reason why I can’t stand Gizelle and her attempts to try and villanize Monique for living at every turn is more exhausting than a three-hour sex session. This episode may have been boring but the rest of the season looks INSANE and I am more finally willing to call myself a fan of Potomac.

The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.

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