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RHOBH Recap: Rosé All Day

Things are picking up in Beverly Hills but only slightly. 90210 drama is always very complicated, intense issues that don’t make sense because the women are fighting about something much deeper but can’t say it on camera, and it’s for this reason alone we need Brandi back. She brought everyone’s issues to the forefront of the show and yeah, she doesn’t live the same luxurious lifestyle as these other bitches, but that’s even more assurance that she’ll deliver because she needs the check.

I know this is only our second week in France but it feels like 14 years. Fires and LVP evading work really only left five girls to come along to play and although four of the five Housewives on this trip have given us excellent iconic moments in the past, the magic is gone. For the most part, everyone gets along and even if they don’t, they hide their feelings because they don’t want to get dragged into a feud for the entire season. All you really need to know is that Erika Jayne is over it, which isn’t really surprising considering she’s never really been for it. Sure, Erika turns up to events and makes snarky comments in her confessionals but she doesn’t like these bitches, she’s there for the check and the opportunity to grow her business so engaging with these women is just want she needs to do to get by.

Nobody in this group actually wants to stay in a house together, they all prefer their five-star hotels where they can film a scene for an hour together and then retreat back to their rooms to take off their heels and go the fuck to sleep. The main problem with this franchise is that nobody really cares. They show up and film but once that’s done they have no connection to each other. The New York women bring it EVERY. SINGLE. EPISODE and that’s because they don’t give a fuck, they live their lives and there just happens to be cameras rolling whereas the Beverly Hills bitches are way too conscious of when the cameras are rolling or not.

For day three in France, Kyle decided to ignore her paralysing fear of heights and take all the ladies to a wine tasting via a helicopter. Really? They could’ve taken the exact same route with a car just like they did on the way home, but I guess the producers need to overcompensate for the lack of entertainment on this show and remind us of how rich these women are, even though they all have impending lawsuits. I’m glad LVC is off the show but couldn’t we have used this France trip to go around the table and talk about each other’s legal troubles instead of weird fights about nothing that actually mean something?

Anyway, everyone got drunk at the wine tasting except for Erika who had a “migraine.” Why is this bitch so boring? Take some aspirin and get the fuck over it, don’t sit at a table all day watching people get drunk because this is why people don’t think you want to be around them. Once the rosé started to kick in, Rinna started talking shit about Vanderpump Rosé and even used her QVC skills to pitch why she should be selling Rinna Rosé to the masses. Laugh all you want and she may be the 80th Housewife to jump onboard the booze wagon, but that’s a really fucking good idea. Following her sales pitch, Kyle had the idea for everyone to impersonate each other. Was that hypocritical considering the huge deal she made about Rinna impersonating Erika the night before? Yes, but drunk Beverly Hills is a better Beverly Hills, so we have to learn to ignore that and just concentrate on what they choose to give us.

Kyle and Rinna, the actresses of the group, gave us their impersonations of Dorit obsessing over Jagger, Erika pretending to be good when she’s not and Teddi walking like she just got fucked in the ass and it was fucking funny. This is what we need to see from this group, everybody having fun, letting go and just being vulnerable which is the point of Housewives and it's mainly due to Lisa Vanderpump being out of the picture. Nobody can have fun with LVP around. You always have to be on guard and watching everything you say, so it's great that we can finally see this group relaxing into having fun and not giving a fuck. Well, for the most part. Erika Jayne can pretend that she thought Kyle's impression was funny but she obviously wanted to gouge her eyes out with a blunt spoon, put her in a body bag and flee back to Pasadena.

As annoying as Teddi and Kyle were being about the whole Halloween incident, they redeemed themselves by getting shit faced on camera because a drunk Housewife also makes the best TV, regardless of whether their point is accurate or not. When dinner rolled along, all the women were still drinking except Erika who looked like a statue in the back of the room. Here's the thing: Erika isn't fun. She's great in small doses like a dinner or party, however, Erika would get sick of anyone after being with them for an extended period of time because she doesn't want to let people get too close to her. If you think about, how much do we really know about her? We never see her son, we barely see her husband, they give us the occasional scene at her home so that only leaves us with the cunty, fabulous gay man in a woman's body that she pretends to be.

Erika Jayne is a facade, obviously because it's her performance character, but due to us not being able to see her Girardi life, we're stuck with her Jayne one but she can't keep up the act for more than a couple of hours. The dumb Halloween thing was about Teddi and Kyle wanting Erika to be mad at Rinna out of vengeance for Kim, that was clear. However, their problem with Erika isn't that she isn't mad at the same thing they're mad at (yes, I realised how dumb that sounds), it's that they feel like she's cold, doesn't want to be around them and ultimately isn't open to having a real friendship with them. Erika can be a lot of fun, but she also has a very, weird, stale awkward energy that weighs the mood of the group down and Teddi & Kyle just wanted a reaction out of her, not for drama but so that they could feel like she actually gives a fuck about their friendship.

The Pasadena songstress suffers from the same condition as NeNe Leakes, it's called Igiveafucktitis. It's where you pretend like you're over a situation to keep up your "ZERO FUCKS" persona but you really just don't want to feed into it so people don't see that you care, when in reality everyone at the table can see that you give way too many fucks about the situation. Erika puts a wall up and it's hard to get close to her which Teddi feels and takes her back to when she was a freshman Housewife who shit herself when Erika raised her voice. This is the main issue behind whatever fight these women had and Erika storming off while Kyle tried to drunk talk to her is just masquerading the issue.

Somehow the "Erika not giving a fuck issue" turned into the "Teddi giving a fuck about Erika giving a fuck issue". I don't know how drunk this accountability coach was but for some reason, she cried about everyone in the group holding her to being the moral compass. What the fuck? I obviously haven't been watching the right show because I've missed all the episodes where the women look to Teddi to be their moral compass through their issues. Does she think she's Budda? When Dorit called Camille a cunt did she think of Teddi? When Rinna was fighting with Kim over a bunny, did she consider what Teddi would do? FUCK. NO. Nobody's thinking of Teddi in moments of crisis and there's obviously some deep seeded issues with her and her need to be accountable because she is putting everyone's shit into her basket when it does not need to be there.

Following a weird moment of Teddi crying about caring too much, her and Kyle drunkenly ran around into everyone's rooms, wreaking havoc and refusing to leave, which instantly redeemed their weird behaviour for the rest of the trip. This show needs more visits from Drunk Kyle because she does not give ONE fuck, plus seeing her jump on everyone's bed and kicking her split legs up into the air was hilarious, especially when Mama Rinna had to run out in her bathrobe to tell them off. This is the fun we need to start seeing in Beverly Hills and with the absence of, you know who, I think we will.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies