RHONY Recap: Jazzercise

Fresh off her instantly iconic breakdown, everyone crowded around Bethenny while she was losing her shit and she told Luann to get away from her. When you offload onto somebody, the last thing you want is for them to come and comfort you. Even Ramona Singer sympathised and cried for Bethenny, so when even Ramona can see the light, you know that Luann is really being her most Cuntess self.

Bethenny obviously wasn’t crying about Lu, it was a combination of everything with Dennis and the realisation that she was helping her “friend” with an intervention when her boyfriend died from a drug overdose. Let that sink in. She’s mad that Luann wasn’t grateful towards her at all and the Skinnygirl mogul probably felt guilty to a degree that she helped Lu so much but couldn’t do the same for Dennis. The whole situation is so layered but the one constant throughout all of this is that Luann, is an asshole. The entire time she sat there acting like they were crazy for being mad at her for going a swim. It’s not about a swim just like it’s not about Lucy Lucy Apple Juice in Beverly Hills, it’s that she doesn’t care about anything besides herself and her cabaret and that she can’t get her head out of her ass long enough to see it.

Immediately after the brawl, Lu ran out into the street trying to get a car so that she could go out and drink as if Bethenny’s breakdown was enough for her to break her sobriety. Does she think we were born yesterday? Luann has definitely been drinking behind doors the entire time and the only reason she has to keep up this sober facade is because the law forced her into being Sober Susan. Oh, and it’s a great storyline. However, right after she declared that she was going out to drink, Luann obviously got a pep talk from a producer or her parole officer because she marched back into the restaurant and gave both Babs and Bethenny apologises as if she was in a cave in Afghanistan with a gun to her head, even though she didn’t believe or even know what she was apologising for.

Of course, everyone accepted her bullshit “I’m sorry’s” because if she still doesn’t get that she’s a selfish asswipe after Bethenny abuses her in front of a crowded restaurant, then she’s never going to get it. Plus, Bethenny’s explosion was like an emotional ejaculation, and everyone knows once you cum you just want to turn over and go to sleep, not beat the dead horse that is Luann de Lesseps.

Following the blowup, Tinsley, Ramona, Babs, Dorinda and Sonja all continued to get drunk and dance back at their Miami Vice compound which is why this show is so great. In any other franchise, they would’ve retreated back to their bedrooms and all cried but in New York, these bitches can make up in 36 seconds and keep drinking until they pass out. Also, can we acknowledge how Tinsley Mortimer has finally found her place in this group? Aside from finding her voice, having her relationship be one of the main storylines of the season, and flashing her perky titties to the group, she got up onto the white 90s kitchen bench in heels and drunkenly danced to Ramona’s speaker that she somehow brings to every single trip these bitches go on. I have no idea how Tinsley didn’t fall off the Miami Vice counter and smash her head open on the corner and for that, I have mad respect. In all seriousness, those 90s cocaine chic houses are nice in theory but it only takes one drunk fall on of those sharp corners to ruin the entire weekend.

When all the bitches arrived back in New York, they all had individual meetups before reconvening for Dorinda’s 80s aerobics class. We learned that John still doesn’t stay at Dorinda’s and leaves after every time they have sex which is amazing. Dorinda has dick and dry cleaning whenever she wants but after it’s over she gets to sleep in a King bed all by herself and go around Manhattan as she pleases. What can get any better than that? I love her relationship with Bethenny as the two alphas of the show and Bethenny, in general, has made a 180 turn this year. She’s back to the early seasons Bethenny that we all fell in love with, with her calmer energy and snarky quips, but she’ll come out swinging if she needs to for the general good of the group. For a while, Bethenny was on a different level as the star of the show but now she’s calmed down and it finally feels like an ensemble cast again, with everyone except Tinsley and Babs playing on the same level.

Luann also recorded her song “Feeling Jovani” and three things became clear from this season. 1) the Cuntess has NO self-awareness whatsoever if she thinks recording another song after everyone attacks her about being self-absorbed from her cabaret show is a good idea. 2) she’s blatantly just making money off of Dorinda’s back at this point and she’s a moron if she doesn’t think she’ll be mad about it. And 3) this bitch can’t sing to save her life. I don’t know if she thinks she’s the Mariah Carey of Reality TV, but Lu wouldn’t know what a note was if it punched her in the face and I don’t think it’s hit her that people are only attending her show because it’s a funny gimmick. People aren’t paying to see the musical stylings of Luann de Lesseps. Also, the song is alright but it has nothing on her iconic original hits.

In other news, Tinsley’s dog died of cancer and as much as everyone wants to make fun of her for crying about a dog, pets are like family members who love you unconditionally so in Tinsley’s case, it’s like losing a child. I 100% understand her grief but I don’t understand her logic in inviting Ramona and Sonja over to console her. When you’re feeling sad, why would Ramona Singer be someone that you call? In terms of a death, I definitely think Bethenny or Dorinda would be the people I turn to in these circumstances, not someone’s who more stunned by your lashless eyes than your dog passing away. Also, are we going to get a Bambi funeral because Sonja’s doggy funeral was pretty fantastic when her dog went all over the sidewalk? As much as I’m on #TeamTinsley her defrosting her dog so that her sister can hold it is fucking weird, I understand everyone wants to say goodbye but just burn it, throw in it an urn and then you can hug it. Don’t hug a cold, hard doggy corpse.

Finally, we arrived at Dorinda’s 80s aerobics class which was amazing in every way possible. This is what Dorinda Medley was born to do, have a lighthearted aerobics class mixed with 80s attire. Who doesn’t want to dress up like they’re in the 80s? This is definitely her calling and if she’s looking for another way to make some coin, Dorinda should take it on the road and get Bravoholics in every city to throw on some spandex and thrust until their hearts are content. Also, I’m proud of everyone for fully going along with the costume but Babs the Bisexual Builder definitely wins best dressed, she just proves that Bronx booty is the best booty.

Of course, the fun can’t last forever, so the conversation naturally turned to Scott buying Tinsley “Bambi” shoes after her dog died. She keeps spending money like it’s going out of fashion but that doesn’t mean it’s Scott. Are these women forgetting about her Bravo paycheck or her family allowance? Whether Tinsley and Scott are together, I don’t care, but it’s definitely a possibility that they “publically” broke up because he hates being on the show so that they can continue their relationship behind closed doors in the form of him sending Tinsley her dead dog in shoe form.

Luann was planning on throwing a Christmas Cabaret and obviously, nobody wants to go to ANOTHER cabaret show but instead of just sucking it up and putting on a brave face, Ramona decided to throw another event at the exact time which is obviously rude, but what else do we expect? It’s Ramona! However, in her defence why would Luann think anyone would want to go to another cabaret considering everything they’ve been telling her all season - especially since she was planning on talking about Dorinda in the show!

Ramona was planning a surprise party for Sonja and Dorinda. Is it their birthdays? I’m not sure but it’s a good enough excuse not to come to cabaret, however, when Sonja found out about the "surprise party" in question, she wanted everyone to go “support” Lu no matter how annoying she has become. As a way to change Sonja's mind, Ramona threw out that the event it a surprise for her. So I guess it’s not a surprise anymore? Is there any point of the surprise party if the person you’re surprising already knows? There’s no reason to surprise either of these women but Ramona doesn’t want to go to the cabaret and she likes fucking with Luann. So two birds, one stone.

In the end, Bethenny came into mediate and came up with a compromise for everyone to see Luann before her show to “support” her before they all went out to have a drunken surprise party afterwards. Honestly, this is such a New York problem of Ramona doing something to spite Luann with Bethenny coming in as the voice of reason. Different season, same shit.

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