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RHOC Recap: Rodeo Rumors

This entire Train Gate situation feels dirtier than a prostitutes vagina. Surely after 14 years on reality TV, Vicki knows that if you bring up someone else's "secret" on camera then it's going to come out, so her excuse of never wanting to expose the rumor is faker than her botched face. As soon as you proclaim you know something about your reality show cast member then the damage is already done. The OG of the OC's fellow Tres Amiga Tamra is just as much to blame because if she didn't say "the train" or tell the girls it was about Kelly getting fucked by eight guys, then the blame would've been solely on Victoria Gunvalson.

Kelly and Vicki are both wrong in their feud, whether one is calling the other fat or accusing her of doing cocaine they're both dirty in this pig fight (pun definitely intended), however, Vicki is the one who's continuing to escalate it by bringing up rumors she's heard. The friend of literally had an orgasm at the table when Tamra added to the conversation because she knew she wouldn't be in this scandal alone and she could blame Tamra for blurting it out. As much as Vicki sucks and has a reckless evil mouth, I'm not mad at her, or Tamra because THIS IS WHAT WE WANT. Everybody complained for two seasons that this show was boring and it's finally interesting, thanks to the long-standing cast members getting a massive spoon out and stirring the pot.

Obviously, it's hypocritical for both women to put the train rumor on the show because Vicki went ballistic over Lauri claiming she had multiple partners and Tamra was pissed about the gay Eddie rumors, but hey, we aren't watching Housewives for the moral high ground. Tamra is doing an excellent job at being messy this season and I'm glad she's reclaimed her title as the shit-stirrer of the group because nobody can get these bitches fighting like Tamra Judge. For the first time in a long time, I love every single cast member, whether it's as a human being or as a TV character because they are all bringing us something.

The rumor probably could've gotten away as being believable if it were a threesome but saying eight guys fucked Kelly in a line while people watched is stretching their luck. Did the eight hypothetical men fuck each other? Were they straight? Where did this incident take place? I have so many questions and until I hear the whole story, I'm concluding that it's not true, but even if she did get fucked by an eight-man sex train, who gives a fuck? It's her vagina. If you'll lie about cancer, you'll lie about anything, so it's not shocking for Vicki Gunvalson to spread rumors, however, even though I believe Kelly, saying someone had a sex train seems way too specific to just make up.

Following the initial release of the rumors, all the blonde orange holders made a pact in the car not to talk about the rumor any further, which is literally the most moronic thing in the world when you're on a reality show and miced up when the discussion is taking place. If they were off-camera when Tamra told them the details of the story and they decided not to tell anyone then the blame could've gone straight to Vicki but surely these seasoned reality stars know the producers are going to show their conversation and make it the main storyline of the season. Braunwyn ended up telling Kelly about the situation which is an excellent rookie move because she can play the role of the supportive friend and stir the pot at the same time, while also not getting into the thick of the drama.

Did Tamra, Shannon, and Gina really except the conversation not to leave the car? Because if they did they all need to be checked into the Orange County mental asylum and evaluated like they're Amanda Bynes. It was always going to come out and Kelly would've been 1000 times more pissed when she watched the show eight months later and found out no one told her, so the mother of seven definitely did the right thing. Kelly Dodd is giving me Brandi Glanville Season Five vibes. In real-time she's on the outs with all the Tres Amigas, she's losing her shit at everyone 24/7 and is a messy spitfire who will call you a cunt in a second, let's just hope she keeps her job for season 15. In fact, I hope all these women stay on because everyone is BRINGING it.

Yelling at people, swearing in public settings and getting more aggressive than a bad case of herpes is required to be a great Housewife, however, it's not helping Kelly's case when it comes to the group. She can only tell Gina to go fuck herself so many times before the group is going to stop giving her passes for treating them like shit. Obviously, she's pissed off that a lie is circulating about her for the world to see but she can't be mad at Gina and Emily for asking her about it when they weren't even involved in bringing the tall tale out. At this point, everyone is #TeamKelly. They all think Vicki went way too far by talking about it but if Kelly keeps on being a cunt to everyone then things are going to turn really quick.

Aside from the train rumors, the ladies took a day trip to Rodeo Drive for Gina which is the most OC thing I've ever heard. The Long Island import is struggling more than a toddler learning how to swim but her DUI and the revelation Matt had an affair are the two best things to ever happen to her Housewives career. They not only helped cement her place in the group but were a stepping stone to building a relationship with Shannon Beador. Speaking of, Shannon is pushing her FUN SHANNON agenda like it's crack and her buying Gina an $800 outfit was nice but she's definitely trying overtime to rehab her image and be her fun, zany self. Gina's scenes are riveting, especially watching the show with the undertone of knowing Matt was abusive because it adds a whole other layer to the onion that is her mess of a life.

Between getting a DUI, going through a messy divorce and telling the world her husband is a disgusting, cheating abusive pig (seriously, fuck Matt) Gina also managed to lose the keys to her house after leaving them in a sunglasses case that could've been at either Kelly or Tamra's house. The fact that she didn't know where she left her the keys, to both of her houses, and didn't really seem that stressed about it is hilarious. The hot mess has definitely taken on the role of 2007 Britney Spears in the group and I can't wait for when she has a head full of platinum blonde taped in extensions. I'm counting down the days. While Gina is having the worst year of her life dealing with an asshole ex and drink driving her BFF Emily is dealing with a husband that hates her.

I've never wanted anyone to get a divorce more than Emily Simpson. Seriously, divorcing her weasel of a husband while this season is airing is her golden ticket to stay on the show because she's slowly becoming the outcast of the group. Shane doesn't give a half-inch of a fuck about his wife which is horrible because Emily is clearly trying so hard to make it work with an angry Mormon gremlin who spends his days in a hotel probably wanking into the sink between studying the California legal system. Shane is officially on the same level as Jim Marchese, Simon Barney, David Beador and Jason Hoppy. He's a slimy gerbil fuck and it's nothing short of disgusting to see how he treats his wife.

The fact that Emily thought her husband would enjoy seeing her perform a sexy dance for him in Vegas is mind-boggling. Does she know who she's married to? Emily is a sexy, confident, beautiful woman but she has a husband who doesn't appreciate those qualities and the thought of his judgemental face while she is dancing for him gives me cringe sweats. Shane doesn't like swearing, drinking and it seems women in general, so the thought of Emily thinking he'll enjoy a performance astounds me. Hopefully, she makes it into a fun girls trip because the cynical Mormon doesn't even deserve to watch it.

Apart from never having her husband come home, Emily also sent a rage tweet saying Shannon had gained 40 pounds of jealously and dissed her QVC frozen fish after Jeff Lewis said Shannon told him Gina or Emily would be off the show. In context, this was around the time when everyone was talking about Vicki's demotion and Jeff was more or less saying the sophomore Housewives could've been demoted over the OG. Shannon probably did tell him that but as much as I'm #TeamEmily, she played this all wrong. They're filming a REALITY SHOW, she should've confronted Shannon on camera during the Rodeo Drive trip to at least get a fight scene out of it and give us another Hulk moment, instead of tweeting and apologising the next day.

Even though Emily apologized, these two are never going to be friends and it's obvious Emily's anger has nothing to do with Shannon's comments and everything to do with her shitty marriage to a monster. The rage is seeping out of her pours from everything she's going through but if you're in the middle of filming a reality show then it's literally your job to confront someone to their face. As much as Shannon had the high ground, she also looked like a complete bitch for complaining about Emily crying. How many times have we seen this woman scream "I'M DONE, I'M FUCKING DONE" in public settings and made everything about herself? Ever since Shannon joined the show she's turned everything into a soap opera moment, so she can't say anything about Emily crying to her friend about her marriage because if I got a dollar every time I saw Shannon do that, I could be double gated like Tamra.

The OC ladies going to Beverly Hills would've been the perfect opportunity for a Housewives crossover episode but these ladies didn't need it. This episode, just like the rest of the season, has been stronger than Tamra during her bodybuilding days and I am obsessed with every part of this show. Tamra is stirring shit up, Kelly is fucking nuts, Emily and Gina are off the rails and Braunwyn is a great addition. OC is officially back baby.

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!