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RHOC Recap: Little Miss Thirsty

This our second episode in a row without Vicki Gunvalson and I don’t miss her at all. Everybody is carrying their weight and doing more than enough to make this show watchable, so the absence of the OG of the OC is the last thing I’m thinking about. A “friend of” is the perfect role for Vicki because we don’t have to sit through any boring scenes of her and Steve but she still comes around to bring the drama because she needs screen time and attention more than any other human needs oxygen.

Following the ladies awkward lunch where Kelly abused them for bringing up the sex train rumor, Shannon handed out costumes and took everyone aboard a double-decker tour bus. Whose idea was this because it seems like a very New Jersey activity. However, the tour bus was nothing more than just another location for these bitches to fight. Up until this point I’ve been loving Braunwyn but it was revealed she slide into both Gretchen and Lizzie’s DMs which to Tamra is like having sex with the devil when you want to be friends with Jesus. Can we cut the bullshit? Braunwyn didn’t text the two Thirsty Twins of OC’s past because she moved to California, she was texting them because she was the new Housewife and she was looking for either advice or dirt.

It’s so awkward knowing she was secretly cavorting with Gretchen and Lizzie behind the scenes and it definitely wasn’t as innocent as she was trying to make it seem. Braunwyn and the 85 letters in her name have definitely seen all 360 episodes of this show, so I don’t buy for a second that she didn’t know about Tamra’s history with the Thirsty Twins and those two definitely wet themselves when they heard their names mentioned this week. It looks messy for Braunwyn to be contacting them and lying about it, considering she just told Kelly about an off-camera conversation they all had. If you're going to decide to be the messy Housewife, then channel your best Lisa Rinna, don't cry when you're called out to get out of a situation you built yourself. Brown Wind is thirsty enough to subtly stir the pot, but not brave enough to own her crafty ways.

I don't even understand why Braunwyn brought up the topic and told them Gretchen and Lizzie texted her when that so easily could've been disproven by a couple of screenshots. Why even tell them to begin with? Her explanation for contacting Lizzie almost checks out because of their "mutual friend" but she has no excuse to be seen texting Gretchen fucking Rossi. This was Braunwyn's first test as a Housewife and she failed. We need pit bulls who will yell back twice as loud and hold their ground, not sob whenever they're caught in a lie. If this crybaby who doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings is what we're getting for the rest of the season, then they can keep it. Somehow the newbie managed to dig deep and realized she's a people pleaser because she was moved around from household to household as a kid while her mother did whatever the fuck she wanted to do.

Dr. Deb is camera-ready at all times and her rainbow dreadlocks were definitely a major part of why the producers gave her daughter an orange, however, as fun, zany and entertaining as she is now, Dr. Deb definitely wasn't the best mother. Not even close. It's one thing to leave your kid at random family member's houses, make her take the bus home at FOUR-YEARS-OLD and letting her sleep in the office of a nightclub as a baby, but it's another thing not to feel bad about it 40 years later and minimise her childhood trauma because she didn't grow up in a refugee camp. Yes, Brauwnyn is grateful she wasn't born in a third world country, we all are, but her mother should at least hear her pain and resentment about always wanting a more present mom due to how she grew up. Dr. Deb shutting her down and diminishing her feelings is exactly why Braunwyn is the people pleaser she is.

Can you imagine growing up knowing your own mother would admittedly always love herself more than you? The anti-plastic straw user is kind of an asshole, but there's nothing better than a Housewife's dysfunctional relationship with her mother. Even though Brown Wind has obviously seen every season of this show, I genuinely think she believed she could come in as the fun, wacky mother of seven and keep everything surface level. Maybe she could get away with that in Beverly Hills, but definitely not in the OC. This show takes every deep, dark insecurity and secret out of you, lays it on the floor and sets that shit on fire making sure only the strongest women can survive. It's literally The Hunger Games with cocktails and fake tits.

The men in the OC are by far the slimiest in the entire Housewives franchise. Emily's little bitch of a husband finally finished "studying" for the bar exam, which is closeted Mormon speak for spending ten days in a hotel with your gay lover. Shane is a grimey little weasel and a sad sorry excuse for a husband, father and human being. Seriously, what dad is more than okay to abandon his children for ten days with no communication and then laugh when asked if he missed them. That's not called sarcasm, that's called being a cunt. I would give it to Shane if his sarcastic ways were actually funny but they make me feel more uncomfortable than a thong in a camel toe. He's obviously doesn't like filming, that is clear, however, he should support Emily's new career just as much as she has supported his.

I've said this before and I'll say it a million times until it happens, but I've never seen anyone that needs a divorce more than this couple. I don't know why he even wants to stay because you would think he just came from having a root canal whenever he's around Emily. The way he looks at her with such disdain is nothing short of disgusting and Emily deserves a hot, beefy stud who will bend her over the table and fuck her the way a woman needs to be fucked, because there is no way in this world that Shane is getting that job done. Every scene he's in is more awkward than farting in an elevator and I just feel sorry for the cameraman who has to sit there bored shitless and watch this dorky, dull asshole disrespect his wife continuously.

It's clear to me aside from staying with Shane due to their kids, she's staying with him for her in-laws. Emily has a strained relationship with her own mother, so she seeks not only a parental figure from Pary but also an emotional partner. Shane has the emotional capacity of a pen, so Emily has to source any kind of support from her mother-in-law which is sad. She's so embedded in his family, she's close with her in-laws and they live across the fucking street so she has to break away from the whole family, not just her little bitch of a husband. Plus, her four-foot mother-in-law can't be doing that good of a job as her emotional support because telling her to yell into the toilet instead of at her husband just enables his cunty behavior and doesn't hold him accountable for being a gerbil fuck.

Another grease ball on this show is Kelly's new boyfriend. Dr. Brian is beaming to be on camera and get his close up. I've never seen anyone happier than when her plastic surgeon boyfriend is mic'd up and sitting in front of a camera crew, which is the biggest red flag for any Housewife. You never want to date a man who wants the spotlight more than you do. Brian is a cross between Quasimodo and a used car salesman, which is more Vicki's type than Kelly's. I don't want to say he looks like a troll but you would think a plastic surgeon would fix his own face before starting to fix others. Would you go to a dentist with bad teeth? I don't fucking think so. Dr. Brian gives me the cringe sweats whenever he wanders on-screen and the thought of him getting engaged to Kelly for a storyline makes me want to throw up in a bucket, gift wrap it and send it to Little Miss Thirsty. And yes, that's Brian's new pet name.

Finally, while Braunwyn find out what her job description actually entails and the women's shitty men ran wild, Gina failed to show up to court and had a warrant issued for her arrest. Could her year get any worse? The New York import is sitting front and center on the hot mess express, however, even though she lost her license, passport and house keys, her latest fuck-up wasn't actually her fault. Gina's lawyer tried to get her court date changed and instead of, you know, checking the request actually went through, he just assumed it did and told her not to show up to court which ended with the police almost coming to arrest Gina. This guy had one job. ONE JOB. I just want to give Gina a big hug, feed her hot pumpkin soup and let her know everything is going to be okay. That's all I want.

The upside of Gina's shitty year, aside from having a fantastic storyline, is Shannon actually giving a fuck about her existence and building a friendship. The two scorned women bonded over their disgusting, cheating (and abusive) ex-husbands, and Shannon managed to get Gina a lawyer to help navigate the legal system. Gina is Shannon a year ago, so it's amazing that the accent confused Housewife has someone she can look to and guide her through the entire experience because those are the things you remember and that's how real friendships are made. Who knew all Gina needed to do if she wanted a friendship with Shannon Beador was open up about her husband's wandering cock?

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!

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