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Shade of the Week: Shane Simpson

Shane is the fucking worst.

Emily Simpson has one of the worst husbands in Housewives history. This slimy little weasel is on the same level as Jim Marchese, David Beador, Jason Hoppy and Jim Bellino. Even PK is more tolerable than this gross wannabe lawyer that looks at his wife with more disdain than a fat person looks at kale. I would say we need to check his pants for a vagina but that would just be an insult to women everywhere.

We were first introduced to Shitty Shane when he yelled at Gina for literally speaking in his house off camera and then doubled down on his weird behavior by calling her drunk to Emily the next day. From that point forward he immediately joined the ranks of the plenty of cunty Househusbands that have come before him. Kelly Dodd has never been more accurate than when she called him a little bitch, a pussy, a twerp, a dork and wherever they fuck else came flying out of her mouth. She hit the nail on the fucking head because nothing describes this malicious, boring fuckhead more than calling him a little bitch.

The way he speaks to Emily is nothing short of disgusting and I don’t know any husband who loves his wife that would abandon his family to “study” in a hotel for ten days and then come back home as he was going to a concentration camp. Seriously, if any Housewife has ever needed a divorce, it’s Emily. It’s not even the fact that he’s controlling, it’s that he doesn’t even have enough respect for the woman that he married to even try to show emotion on camera. It's obvious Shane doesn't like being on TV and that's fair enough but he should support his wife's career of being on a reality show, just like she's supporting him in studying for the bar. Even in this week's episode, Emily tried so hard to attract some kind of conversation out of her shitty husband and he wouldn't even give her a sentence.

This was a marriage of convenience from the beginning. Shane was a divorced Mormon and Emily was a thirty-something single woman who wanted kids, so he proposed over Google Chat and ten years later they're both in a marriage that was doomed from the start. The idea of these two having sex is nonexistent to me and even if they do manage to have intercourse every blue moon, I hope Emily has a wide array of sex toys to keep her cookie happy because that scrawny, depressed pencil dick obviously isn't getting the job done.

Neither one of the participants in this marriage are happy, Emily's home alone with her kids all day while Shane neglects her and the dorky Mormon douchebag is obviously happier staying in a hotel with his gay lover than being at home with his family. Maybe he's not gay, but being any angry closeted Persian Mormon is the best excuse I can think of for his dull personality and anti social behavior.

Do we really think Shane is spending his time "studying" in that hotel room? Fuck no. He definitely has some beefy, gay side piece who swings him around and makes all his wildest dreams come true before he has to go back to living his fake double life. I just wish Emily would find her own beefy, hunk of meat who can fuck her the way a woman needs to be fucked and love her the way she deserves, because nothing about Shane is appealing, attractive, warm or even nice. Could you imagine spending an hour with this man let alone a lifetime? Waking up next to this weasel fuck would immediately ruin your day. He's rude, condescending, pessimistic and just sad, so somebody please explain to me one benefit of Shane Simpson. I'm waiting...

It may sound like I'm being hard on this pathetic rodent but I'm fed up with seeing Emily cry about her asshole husband and having no resolution. She deserves happiness and she's not going to find it with him. End of story. I got an aggressive case of the cringe sweats when Shane laughed about not missing his wife for ten days, so I can't even begin to imagine how that made his Emily feel. The only way their marriage could be saved is if Shane saw the episodes and profusely apologized for his cunty actions, however, I doubt he even watches the show and if he does, he's definitely too insecure and egotistical to even address his behavior to Emily.

The whole situation just makes me depressed but this is a man who voluntarily decided to become a Mormon, so he's bound to be a boring piece of shit. If anybody is surprised at the lack of joy Shane Simpson feels in life just remember, he can't drink, smoke, watch porn or even swear, so he has no other outlet to let out his demons than acting like an asshole to his wife. Being an asshole is his outlet. Who the fuck would decide to remove anything fun from their life for a fake religion and still be a happy person? It's just not possible. Emily is married to a gay Mormon and I can't keep watching this.

The only way her Housewives career can be saved is if she has another Hulk moment or if she files for divorce while the season is airing and talks shit about him at the reunion, like many Housewives that have come before her. Then, she can have a season of being fun, single Emily where she can date men who will appreciate her and also have the occasional cry on a cast trip when she's drunk and thinking about her divorce. It's what Emily needs and it's what we fucking need.

Obviously, Emily isn't happily married, how could you be if that was your husband? So the only logical reasons she would be staying in his marriage is for her children, the stability and her in-laws. Emily has her own dysfunctional relationship with her mother, so it doesn't take a genius to see why she invests time, love and respect into Shane's four-foot mom. They're her family, they live across the fucking street and help her much more than Shane, so they're her lifeline. It just sucks that her lifeline happens to be related to the reason she needs a fucking lifeline.

Shane and his Mormon ways are more dull than beige paint and Emily's needs to escape from his reign of terror before he leaves her for his gay lover in five years when she's off the show and stuck in her Persian inspired OC palace. RUN EMILY RUN!

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