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Below Deck Med Recap: Bukkake Party

Literally nothing happened in this episode. Nothing. We began with one of the guests vomiting from the rough seasons but let’s get one thing straight, she wasn’t seasick, she was just hungover. Alcohol and water do not mix and this was the perfect example of that. The guests were still relatively boring in this episode too and the main topic of argument this week was over white gloves. Yes, you read that right. White fucking gloves.

Aesha and Captain Sandy had the idea to perform the white party dinner service with white gloves (duh) however Hannah thought it was just a tacky, archaic procedure. Table decor which consists of a satin table cloth and 500 random white balloons is more tacky than white fucking gloves. The decorations for the night were whiter than the Republican Party and just looked like a ghost from the 70s exploded all over the deck. Literally, the table looked like bukkake after the end of a male-dominated orgy. How many different ways do I need to spell it out for you that this white party looked like an abandoned KKK meeting. Hannah definitely should’ve just said yes to the white gloves and shown that she gives a fuck about her job.

Hannah also turned into the next June and didn’t have her earpiece in when Ben was calling her for breakfast service. In reality, Ben could’ve taken the eggs out himself considering he had recooked them for the same guest 80 times but I guess they have rules for a reason. Needless to say, Captain Sandy hasn’t happy with interior and wanted them to step their game the fuck up. I love when Sandy gets fired up because she asserts her total dominance onto the crew to put them in their place but also doesn’t look like an asshole doing so. Somehow Sandy knows how to toe the line between being nice and also making the crew do their job and it just makes me love the captain even more. Anybody who believes Captain Lee is the superior Captain over Sandy can fucking fight me.

What else happened? Jack decided to ask Aesha to be his girlfriend which was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, equipped with a spray-painted sheet and an annoying rap from Colin. Even though we all now know they ultimately didn’t work out, these two really do have a connection that you can see through the TV and I hope Bravo brings them back next season to help rekindle their love and help put this yachting power couple back together. This is what we want and this is what we fucking need. Anyone who says otherwise can fight me, just like the Captain Lee fans.

The JetSki also fucked up while the guests were riding it and JWOWW didn’t really give a fuck about fixing it, which caused Sandy to unleash on him too. I get it, he was tired and couldn’t be bothered fixing the jet skis mechanical issue, however, it’s his fucking job and Sandy did a marvelous job of putting JWOWW back into his place too. I wasn’t being funny when I said nothing happened this week because nothing fucking did. Nothing. JWOWW went to the hospital because he couldn’t breathe or something but we all know he’ll come back next week with some antibiotics and a good excuse not to do anything.

Below Deck Med airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!

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