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RHOC Recap: Mommie Dearest

I still can't get over Kelly being accused of doing cocaine and having a tagline about lines, every week the irony is not lost on me. This Kelly vs Vicki feud is the main storyline of the season, so I don't want their hatred to go anywhere but they at least need to do their job and be in the same room as each other because if not, we'll end up with season twelve all over again and nobody with eyes, ears and a Bravo subscription wants that.

Vicki sucks. That's not new but having her in a friend role does make her a lot more likeable because she can pop in to talk shit about her costars and then go on her way. Vicki's pushing 70, so the sausage is made, she's never going to change and Tamra and Shannon trying to each her not to spread rumors is like trying to each Helen Keller about rainbows, it's not going to happen. Although the other two-thirds of the Tres Amigas decided to make up with Vicki and move on, they still know she sucks but they're choosing to take the good as long as the bad isn't directed at them.

The OG of the OC obviously hates Braunwyn or Boringwyn because she stole her orange, so her resentment for the giggling dolphin is understandable but this is not a fair fight. Vicki can spread rumors and scream in a pitch only dogs can hear while Braunwyn will just "shut down" or cry whenever she's faced with confrontation, this isn't the traditional Housewives feud we're used to watching. Vicki's never learned anything about being a cunt and she never will, but seeing the girls try and teach her common decency is always fun to watch because you know she's just thinking about life insurance policies while they're talking.

As much as Vicki is the worst, I have to give credit where credit is due, her hair looks good a little darker, that platter of cold cuts that nobody ate looked delicious and she's always ready to fight with a costar. Always. However, how can Vicki sit there and say she hates conflict when two minutes earlier she called Brauwnyn "Boringwyn," accused Kelly of doing cocaine and having an eight-man sex train, told people David beat the shit out of Shannon and that Eddie was gay, as well as screeching in a way that isn't healthy for another human's eardrums in any altercation she's never been in. Vicki saying she doesn't like conflict is like Charlie Sheen saying he doesn't like doing blow from a hooker's tits.

While Tamra and Shannon tried to teach their 63-year-old friend how to behave in social settings, Emily threw a sixth birthday party for her daughter and for some reason Bravo chose to film this. I can’t think of anything worse than being a grown adult and attending a six-year-olds birthday party, I'm sure most of the six-year-olds don't end like attending these things. The thought of being at one of those parties gives me hives and the thought of spending my time watching one on TV makes me want to blow my brains out onto Emily's Persian inspired home. First of all, Gina Ubering everywhere and showing up to Emily's party after they cut the cake is such a mood, but also an expensive habit to keep up, so I guess we know where most of Matt's child support is going.

Second, Emily and Gina having this weird competition over whose life is worse is getting older than, well, Vicki Gunvalson. Both of their lives suck, both of them. Emily's husband is a toilet of a human being and Gina's dealing with her DUI, three annoying kids and her abusive, cheating ex. So instead of getting into a pissing match over who's been arrested more times or who's husband is a bigger asshole, they should just support each other and shut the fuck up. I don't even care enough to pick a side but Gina looked like a bitch for bragging about her new friendship with Shannon to Emily.

Gina has finally made her way into the popular group and Emily's still the socially awkward freshman that none of them want to hang out with, it's literally Mean Girls but 40 years later. Think about it. Lindsay Lohan's the new girl and starts hanging out with that emo (and potentially lesbian) goth but then works her way up to become friends with Regina George and then brags about her new friends to the unpopular emo that already has beef with The Plastics. Where's the lie?

Cracks are forming in Gina and Emily's relationship, which was evident with their weird Vegas feud. It was insensitive for Emily to not understand why Gina couldn't go on a Vegas girls trip but there's no need to form a storyline around it. Logistically Gina couldn't even get there without a passport and/or a license and Vegas is definitely not a good look for someone who was arrested for a DUI and missed their court date. Self-awareness is key and although Gina clearly doesn't have enough to stop herself from bleaching her hair and covering it in clip-in extensions, she does have some if she knows not to go to Vegas.

Here's my prediction: working out in a trampoline class will be the next vaginal rejuvenation for the Housewives franchise. Every few years all the cities tend to copy each other with these new fads and a trampoline class will be to 2020 in Housewives land to what a pole dancing class was in 2009. Mark my fucking words. I understand that jumping up and down on a trampoline is going to make anybody a bit nauseous but Gina's throw up was definitely the result of a hangover and not an exercise class.

Aside from dusting off her old spoon and stirring the pot, Tamra's other storyline is her sons not getting along. Ryan is a raging Trump supporter and Spencer is just a millennial with common sense, good grades and the mental age of 45. With all the dysfunction that's gone on in Tamra's home, I love seeing the nice, funny bond she has with Spencer. For all the trolls who want to call her a bad mom, look at Spencer because clearly she did something right. Ryan threatened to punch his brother in the face after Spencer (allegedly) called him a Nazi? The long and short of it all is that Ryan sucks and all those social media posts with his ratchet baby mama prove it.

Nobody wants to see Ryan on their TV and now that Spencer is 18 he should replace his brother's role on the show, which mainly consisted of sitting in Tamra's kitchen in a trucker hat, complaining about all the problems in his life. It's not even about the politics of it all, Spencer summed it up perfectly by saying you're happier when you're a more open-minded person. End of story. It was nice seeing Spencer because we barely have over the years due to Tamra's asshole ex-husband refusing to sign the release form. He's a balanced, well-adjusted kid which is almost unheard of on these shows. Just look at those Curtin girls.

Speaking of family dysfunction, Kelly also FaceTimed her brother and revealed she hasn't spoken to her mother in two years. When the fuck did this happen? Now those rumors that Kelly pushed her mother down the stairs are looking a lot more believable. It's sad seeing any family be separated and have tension, whether it's Kelly's or Tamra's, and at the end of the day, life is way too short to hold onto a petty grudge because in two years when someone gets cancer or hit by a truck (knock on wood) then everyone involved is going to live with a lifetime of regret. The only thing more sad than Kelly crying about her fractured relationship with her mom is the fact that Dr. Brian lives downstairs. Ew.

I also vomited in my mouth when Kelly walked downstairs and the cameras panned across to show Quasimodo sitting there camera ready, waiting for his close up. I've never seen a guy more thirsty to be on reality TV and there is no way this is a real relationship. How did Kelly have sex with this man for two hours? Was she blindfolded? Did she just close her eyes, count to ten and think of the necklace she was going to get out of it? And I'm not talking about the one with diamonds in it. All their interactions seem like a customer talking to their bank clerk, just waiting for the boring conversation to be over so they can withdraw their money and get the fuck on with their day.

Shane still sucks and this isn't news so I don't want to draw on it too long. Shane Simpson is a toilet of a human being. He's rude, condescending and doesn't even give his wife the opportunity to have a conversation. Emily was trying to at least talk about their dumpster fire of a marriage and he just kept intersecting with dumb little remarks while playing Candy Crush on his phone trying to evade the conversation. If you're going to fight in front of the cameras just do it, don't pussyfoot around it. It's not called sarcasm, it's called being a cunt and even Shane identified that in his little bitchy confessional, he knows he's an asshole and his behavior literally gets worse every single week. I honestly don't know how anybody could watch him act like this week after week and continue to stay married to the gerbil fuck. But hey, that's just me.

The final issue at hand is Dr. Deb. I'm obsessed with everything about the medicine guru but she is not Mother of the Year. Not everybody is meant to have kids and Mama Deb is one of those people. Their fight about that ring over dinner in front of Brauwyn's "new friends" was just awkward and the fact that Deb dropped Braunwyn's kids off at her mother's house when she was looking after them proves she hasn't learned anything about her faulty parenting style. Mama Deb also broke Brauwyn's one rule which was to not let her kids anywhere around her aunt, however, instead of apologizing for her behavior, Deb just defended herself and Braunwyn stood on top of a hill "shutting down" and looking the other way. I don't even know what the fuck I was watching. Did Deb hug her daughter? No, but she somehow got away without apologizing by saying "I understand."

As much as she isn't the best parent in the world, that doesn't mean Dr. Deb isn't a fun gal and she's definitely already joined the ranks of other iconic Housewives mamas. You keep looking and find something new whenever you look at her, it's like an artwork or a hoarders house. Between those gold plated necklaces, the colored dreadlocks, the bedazzlement, and the cowboy hat there is a lot going on and I am here for it because Dr. Deb does not give one-quarter of a fuck what anybody thinks. Deb already has my heart and I could just watch this woman talk for hours. Also, the fact that she married a 19-year-old boy at 27 while she already had a child of her own is fucking wild. Can they invite her on the Arizona trip because her healing ways would be far more entertaining than the boring meditation trainee that's going to be running things.

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!