Below Deck Med Finale Recap: Bye Bitches


The only thing that mitigates the loss of this show is the fact that the OG Below Deck franchise is returning next week. If Bravo weren't giving us another nautical reality TV show to sink our teeth into next week, then I really don't know what I would do without my weekly dose of Below Deck. Words can't describe my obsession with this show. It's perfect, it's light-hearted, it's funny and it's easy to watch, but also has Housewives-esque moments to remind us that we're still watching Bravo. Also, I like seeing a cast who actually have careers, compared to those depressing alcoholics over on Southern Charm.

Although this show delivered in all 18 episodes of their fourth season, this last episode, like all of the farewell Below Deck finales, was on the boring side of things and without a reunion, this is the last time we'll ever see this crew together again. Let that sink in. I don't know who had their cornflakes pissed in, but someone at Bravo had the audacity not to give these guys their own reunion. We are at the height of Libra season, which makes the injustice of denying these yachties a reunion all the more cruel. Can they all just set up a joint Instagram live stream and give us their takes on the season? I'll watch anything this crew decides to give us.

So the majority of the finale episode was spent with Captain Sandy criticizing Hannah's tablescapes. Yup, you read that right. I couldn't give less of a fuck about this weird feud, but if you're stuck on a boat for six weeks straight you start fighting about things that nobody even noticed to begin with. Although I care more about canine rectal hemorrhoids than I do about this argument, I do see both sides. The devil is always in the details and it's the little things that make the guest's experience that much more amazing, and having a welcoming table set for guests to wake to is one of those little things that matter.

Sandy's beef with the interior slowly escalated throughout the charter and if she wasn't already pissed off with their attitude, she probably would've let them sleep in and given them a little more praise for their work. Captain Sandy can literally do nothing wrong in my eyes, nothing. She could run over my cousin and I'd still want one of her warm, inviting captain hugs. Hannah, on the other hand, didn't really do anything wrong, she just made sure her stews got 8 hours of sleep and were awake to attend to the guests. Although in theory, Hannah did everything by the books, she really doesn't have the passion for her job that Sandy was talking about.

Hannah isn't passionate about being a chief stew - and that's just a fact. She's always walking around the boat with a resting bitch face, rolling her eyes over the guests' requests and complains whenever she's asked to do something that requires her to do a little more work. Hannah sees her job as just that: a job, and doesn't have the beaming passion Sandy, JWOWW and Ben all have when doing what they love. They all spend their time planning how to improve themselves while Hannah just wants to serve some drinks and cash her tip. It's not shade or snark, it's just a fact. Even though I agree with Captain Sandy, obviously I love seeing these two together and the show wouldn't work without their competitive, passive-aggressive dynamic. Sandy isn't easy but she's fair and even if she eviscerates you with an explosive rant, you always know it's coming from a good place and that it's 100% accurate.

Apart from Hannah and Sandy's constant back and forth over passion and table decor, not a lot was happening with the rest of the crew. Anastasia and Aesha sucked up Hannah's asshole to sympathize with Sandy constantly roasting her. I'm all for some positive morale, especially between the women, but their support of the chief stew was nauseating. I could literally smell the shit on their noses through the TV. As per usual Ben made killer dishes, I forgot Colin was onboard the boat and Travis managed to keep a low profile and not get shitfaced, which is pretty impressive considering he couldn't go clubbing without aggressively harming his liver only two weeks earlier.

JWOWW got a job as a captain on another boat, which is amazing. As annoying, condescending and misogynistic as JWOWW is, it's a pretty big accomplishment to reach Sandy's level and become a captain of a fucking boat. Congratulations Jenny from the Block, even if Sandy did get him the job.

During the last night out, the crew all tried to not get drunk in front of their sober captain and shared their highs and lows of their six weeks together. Of course, Aesha's high was scoring a guy with a big dick (RIP), Ben enjoyed getting the fuck out of that disastrous galley and Travis loved becoming friends with Jack. Not to accuse anybody of being anything, but we are sure these two didn't have a cheeky bone or even a drunk makeout? Are we really supposed to believe they didn't have a circle jerk during their night under the stars together? Let's use our brains people because that would be a sloppy power couple. Can you imagine if they were our first gay deck crew couple? We have to stan.

Aesha also subtly threw shade at Sandy by saying her low point was the interior not receiving enough praise, however, through the magic of flashbacks we were reminded of all the wonderful things Sandy said to the interior girls during their run. All the girls got salty at Sandy and claimed she never gave them compliments but she only came down on them during the last two charters, before that her frustrations were directed at the deck crew, so everybody needs to take several seats and leave Captain Sandy the fuck alone. I can't fight to save my life and I have the upper body strength of a kitten, however, I would fight for Captain Sandy. JWOWW tried to stand up for his captain by passive-aggressively judging Aesha's comment, but the fuckboy turned wannabe yachtie needs to shut his mouth and suck a dick. End of story.

This wasn't the most dramatic or interesting episode in the show's history but it wrapped up this entire season perfectly in a nice little bow, especially considering they aren't giving us a reunion, which should be a human rights violation. #JusticeForTheMed.

Below Deck Med airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!