RHOC Recap: Naked Wasted

I've said it in every OC recap I've ever written and I'll say it again: Vicki Gunvalson is the fucking worst. The OG of the OC is pushing 70 and has been on reality TV for almost 15 years but still doesn't realize that repeating a rumor she heard makes her look like a cunt. How many times do we have to go down the same path? Vicki repeats a rumor she "heard" and then spends four seasons justifying her behavior. Enough is enough. Hey Vick, if you're reading this, and I mean with this with love: shut the fuck up.

Along with accusing Kelly of being a coke head and pulling an eight-man sex train, this time Vicki decided to bring up the resident cunt caller being banned from her daughter's school only seconds after she said nobody in the group wants to her hurt anyone. What is Vicki's definition of not wanting to hurt people? I'd like to know. Vicki is clutching her straws (and an orange) with her latest allegation and it's the pettiest thing I've ever witnessed, which says a lot considering the 8926 hours of reality TV I've watched in my lifetime. Who cares if Kelly couldn't go to her daughter's school? Who gives a flying fuck?

The only people it concerns are Kelly, Jolie and whatever cunty mother complained to the PTA to get her banned from the school grounds. That's it. The most warped part about the entire situation is that Vicki really doesn't think she's doing anything wrong. At all. In her Coto Insurance mind, she's just retaliating to a situation, but how many times does Tamra need to tell her not to repeat a rumor? How many fucking times? Anyone wondering why Vicki was regelated to a "friend of" position, this is why.

After telling her costars and a room full of cameras that Kelly isn't allowed to go to her child's school, Vicki was shocked when Emily brought the news back to Kelly and thought she was trying to start problems. Um. Everyone can take a minute to pause here and laugh because that's the most moronic thing this woman has probably ever said. Emily wouldn't have anything to repeat if Vicki didn't open her big mouth and SHE SAID IT ON CAMERA WHILE MIC'D UP! Did Vicki really think this was going to stay between the girls? Vicki's behavior is tedious, annoying and just ugly at this point, but as horrible as her actions are, Vicki and her latest face always bring the drama and without her we'd just be watching a group of menopausal women walking around in matching leggings.

The leggings that Shannon gifted the group with were like something you see on Etsy that Susie from Nebraska makes on the side. They were horrible but I need a pair in my life ASAP, can Shannon start selling those to the masses because they're more marketable than frozen fish. As entertaining as Vicki repeating rumors on national TV is, nobody wants to see this anymore. Nobody. After Tamra was teaching Vicki how to be a human being and reminding her that she brought up the rumor on camera, Kelly made another aggressive Rosie O'Donnell vs Elisabeth Hasselback-esque split-screen phone call, where she said to Vicki, and I quote "You are a fucking psycho. You fucking pig bitch, you liar, fucking cunt." Nobody wants to be called a liar, a cunt, a psycho or a pig bitch, especially not Vicki who's on her 30th face in an effort to no longer look like Miss Piggy's older sister, however, Kelly isn't wrong. How would you react if someone was continuously repeating shit they heard about you and then trying to justify their behavior?

Vicki sucks and the worst part of all is that she is never going to stop. Ever. Repeating rumors as a defensive mechanism comes as naturally to this woman as flashing her breasts comes to Tamra. Only a few hours after Kelly called Vicki a pig cunt, they ended up making up in an emotional conversation over dinner after Kelly admitted to spray painting "Vicki's face" AKA a pig, onto a car and crushing it. Kelly Dodd is so bad but she's so good. Kelly is like a cigarette, you know it's bad for you and will probably give you cancer, but it's so relieving at the same time. The main ingredient to mending a friendship on the Housewives is tequila, which was definitely the case this time around, but their hangovers are going to last longer than this truce ever will.

Kelly and Vicki's tears were both real because I've seen their commercials for movies on Bravo and we know these two can't act to save their lives. At the end of the day, these two had a true friendship off-camera and Kelly was the only one in Vicki's corner when everyone hated her and as a fellow Libra, I can sympathize with Kelly. We're all about justice and when somebody hurts us when all we've done is be loyal soldiers in their corner, it sets off a wildfire inside us big enough to burn down Camille Grammer's house. Too soon?

Who knew all it would take to "mend" this friendship was a gallon of tequila and Vicki complimenting Kelly's hair? The cunt caller's tears were just as authentic as Vicki waving the white flag, however, I give these two about three episodes before Vicki brings up another rumor and Kelly calls her a pig and/or a cunt. At this point, the two insults are interchangeable when referring to Victoria Gunvalson. We all know Vicki is the worst, that isn't news, but Kelly definitely isn't helping her case by exploding every time a petty rumor is brought up and skinny dipping on national television. Vicki is accusing her of being an aggressive coked-up whore and Kelly is playing right into her cancer scheming hands.

Along with their makeup, Gina and Emily also tried to put their friendship back together. If Gina had a problem with Emily the only person she should've spoken to it about, was Emily, instead of confiding in the Tres Amigas. That's number one. It's great she is forming relationships with the women and bonding over their shitty ex-husbands and traumatizing divorces, however, she doesn't need to burn her relationship with Emily to do so. Both of the sophomore Housewives lives suck right now, both of them. Gina is a jailbird, with a cheating ex-husband and no passport or license while Emily is unhappily married to a gay Mormon who hates her more than Mama June hates kale.

Instead of having a weird competitive relationship over who is in more pain, both of these women should just come together and support each other instead of engaging in a weird pissing match over whose life sucks more. Honestly, Gina and her Amanda Bynes hair extensions have definitely outgrown her love for Emily and she's moving on up from being the weird Long Island newbie to being the baby Tres Amiga.

I can't tell you how much I hate this wellness retreat. If I wanted to write a note and stick it under a rock, I could do that in my backyard for free and if I wanted to make myself a shitty salad, guess what? I could do that at home too. The aerial yoga, the hiking, and the bee watching seems just as thrilling as watching paint dry in bumper to bumper traffic and I can't believe anyone would pay money to be essentially held hostage at this hippy commune. It really wouldn't be an OC vacation without somebody going to the ER and Tamra Judge whipping her boobs out, so thankfully these ladies managed to deliver both of those things during this Arizona retreat. I've seen Tamra's titties more than I've ever seen a pair of boobs in my entire life, and at this point, they're just like an old friend coming to say hello. Getting Naked Wasted in a pool and throwing her perky titties around is the equivalent to Kyle Richards' doing the splits, it's just her party trick.

Speaking of boobs, Brown Wind got her lactating breasts out at the dinner table while Kelly milked them. What the actual fuck? We've seen a lot on the Housewives, we've seen Tamra and Eddie have sex in a bath, we've seen almost every single cast member have vaginal rejuvenation and we've even seen Brooks praise Vicki's vagina, however, we've never seen a woman squeeze milk out of her boob at the dinner table. After having seven children I guess Braunwyn's melons are just permanent udders at this point. Proving she still lactates wasn't Braunwyn's only surprise for the night, she also revealed to the group that she and her husband have threesomes for his monument birthdays. Listen, this may not be your thing but I'm relieved we have a Housewife who doesn't give a fuck about letting her freak flag fly.

Braunwyn is a breath of fresh air and I'm happy she's bringing her cooky, zany energy to the cast even if she doesn't know what confrontation is or how to handle it. As far as the threesomes go, apparently the third party was a friend of a friend in Vegas and instead of Brown Wind's husband and his Moana necklaces having sex with the third lady, the mystery woman and Braunwyn just go down on each other in front of him. How does the conversation go? Happy 40th birthday baby, now watch me eat out another woman? If she's giving him the birthday present of a threesome, you would at least hope Sean could get his dick wet in the process. Honestly, I don't give a quarter of a fuck what happens in their bedroom and this threesome admission makes me love Brown Wind even more. Good for her. They've been married forever and have a million and a half kids, so fair enough if they want to let loose and play with a stranger's vagina for a night.

The thing I didn't fuck with was Gina and Emily passive-aggressively judging Braunwyn's sex life, but it's pretty clear they're only hating on what happens in the newbie's bedroom because clearly nothing is happening in theirs. Emily's rodent of a husband has obviously never seen the inside of her vagina and Gina's ex-husband fucks anything with a pulse. The Long Island import saying a threesome is a great way to contract an STD was the most stupid thing to ever come out of her accent heavy mouth because I'm pretty sure your husband inserting his penis into a vagina that isn't yours, is also a great way to end up on antibiotics. Bloop.

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!

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