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Below Deck Premiere Recap: Chef Bald Spot

Thank fuck the Bravo Gods managed to relieve our Below Deck cravings by giving us the premiere of the OG franchise, right after the Mediterranean edition sailed off into the sunset. This is what we want, and damn it this is what we fucking need. A week without my fill of Bravo's nautical show is a dark thought and I'm glad they were kind enough to stop that from happening. If anything, this proves there is a God out there somewhere.

As per usual, Captain Lee and Kate are back at the helm with a bunch of horny yachties to keep us entertained. This crew is the hottest collection of people we've ever seen. Ever. Snaps for whoever the fuck is in charge of casting this year because they pulled through with eye candy that can give me several cavities. Every season there's always one hot guy and a few alright looking people, but all the men on this boat have washboard abs, Colgate white teeth and just the right amount of douchebag energy. It's literally a job requirement to have a six-pack this year, and I appreciate that.

Between the humid Thailand heat and meeting a literal boatload of new coworkers, Kate was over it from the moment she stepped onto the boat. O-V-E-R. Kate was made to be on reality television with her witty one-liners, zero fucks energy and resting bitch face, so you always know you'll get entertainment if Kate and her bitchy personality are out to play.

Unfortunately, Bravo decided to rent Valor for their seventh season. Ugh. After looking at the insane amounts of elegance and grandeur Sirocco gave us over on the Mediterranean franchise, it was way too underwhelming seeing Captain Lee pull up on this vessel. This bleach white monstrosity looks like the Staten Island Ferry got a visit from Jack Frost, and the albino 90s decor really isn't doing it for me. Although it obviously cost millions to make this boat, it looks cheaper than Danielle Staub's nightly rate. Yes, I may sound like a thundercunt for talking shit about a yacht I could obviously never afford to step foot on, and that's because I am.

Also, thank you to the Tea Drinker who introduced "thundercunt" to my lexicon, it's my new favorite verb, adjective, and noun. My other grievance with this season is the green Thailand water. It looks like the guests are kayaking around in lime kool-aid and I don't fuck with that at all. Give me exotic, crystal blue water to look at, not a body of water that has potentially been contaminated by Oscar the Grouch's cum.

Ashton is back in the bosun position after he nearly drowned at sea last year, and good for him because Bravo definitely owed him another paycheck after he narrowly avoided giving them a major lawsuit last season. A promotion to bosun is the least they could do. My dream for the South African stripper this year, is that he continues to fuck anything that moves and doesn't pull a JWOWW by pretending to be a changed, mature man when we all know he's still a fuckboy at heart. However, judging by the trailer, I'm sure Ashton will manage to collect all the local Thai STDs, just as he did in Tahiti.

Let's break down this year's crew, and of course, I'll attach visual aids because I don't expect you guys to remember any of these one-season wonder's names after one hour.

Ashton's lead deckhand is Brian, and while the tatted South African is clearly the most fuckable person on the yacht, he's also the most forgettable. It's early days but I barely heard two words out of this guy's mouth during the episode. All I really know about him is that he has a child and used to stay up for three days straight from binge drinking. Yeah, I’m sure it was alcohol that inspired his insomnia. Nobody stays up for three days if they don't have a sneaky obsession with meth, trust me.

Simone is one of Kate's stews, she's the first woman of color ever on any of the Below Deck shows (don't quote me on that) and she's definitely the fun, zany party girl of this season. I love a ditzy hot mess who has the alcohol tolerance of a preteen and the libido of Samantha Jones, let's just hope Simone doesn't let us down.

Kate's other stew is Courtney who hates working and would rather be a guest on the boat herself. In other words, Courtney is me. She knows she's supposed to be drinking champagne and lounging on the sundeck instead of folding laundry and serving rich people food, which is a sign of a true queen. It's always better to be the cunty rich person rather than the sorry sack of shit who has to serve them, and like I always say: don't act like a cunt, be a cunt. It looks like Court got that memo. Also, anyone who knows cocktail recipes just from drinking them has my heart.

Who else is on the boat? The new chef's name is Kevin and I know he's (allegedly) from New Zealand, but as an Australian myself, he definitely sounds like he's from the land down under. Yes, I know you're thinking "what's the fucking difference" but Australia and New Zealand are like chalk and cheese, well, chalk and crayons. Kevin's role on the show aside from showcasing his Prince William bald spot is obviously to fuck with Kate, and their main arguments have revolved around a label maker and the chief stew taking ten minutes to change her shirt.

I don't give a fuck about whatever's going on between them but Kevin the Kiwi is more dull than an old butter knife. He's just boring and his passive-aggressive attitude towards the stews is not fun to watch at all. Kevin is too nice to be hated and too boring to be interesting. However, Kev did manage to get a major case of the runs during his second day on the boat and sounded like he was fisting himself on the toilet. I've only heard those kind of sounds coming out of a sadistic porno film and that is not a memory I'd like to relieve.

Tanner is another deckhand and aside from being another hot piece of eye candy to look at, the only notable thing he's done so far is tell everybody he wants to fuck Kate because he "likes older women." This guy definitely killed any chance he had at all with that geriatric comment, no woman is going to fuck you if you're calling her old. Period. End of Story. Also, how old is Tanner supposed to be? He's either a ripped 17 or a young 35, but I'm guessing he lands somewhere in the 20s age range. I don't see Kate Chastain's vagina anywhere in Tanner's future, however, I'm sure he'll find another stew to bang along the way.

The only other cast member to talk about is Abbi, Ashton's female deckhand. I love a female in a male-dominated role because they always have to work twice as hard to get half as far just because they don't have a sack of fat hanging between their legs. Abbi is definitely Rhylee 2.0 with her red hair, her deck crew position and the fact that Ashton may or may not enter her body during the season. Don't think I didn't catch them waking up on the sun deck together during the trailer. Abbi looks like Amy Adams had sex with a fairy and got a perm but also reminds me of that Scottish Disney princess from Brave, and I am here for it. I love anyone who has enough interesting features to write my pop culture references for me.

All in all, Bravo did an amazing job at casting and I already know this season is going to be full of wild hookups, drunk fights and enough bukkake to last any civilized human being a lifetime. The thought of any of these girls having a guy cum on them in these humid conditions scares me to my core and that is not something anyone wants or needs. Does anyone miss Captain Sandy? I understand Captain Lee is the stud of the sea and everybody gets their panties wet over him, but he's monotone, intimidating and way too serious for my liking, however, his grouchy attitude will give us something to watch.

Below Deck airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!