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RHOC Recap: Return Of Jesus Jugs

Sex is literally the last thing Gina Kirschenheiter needs in this entire world. The only thing I hate more than her ratty Amanda Bynes extensions is the fact I have to google her last name every single time I spell it.

Let's look at where Little Miss Long Island is currently at in her trainwreck of a life. Gina has a DUI, three annoyingly young children, no license or passport, an ex-husband who is trying to fuck her even though he's currently with the woman he cheated on her with and he's also physically and emotionally abusive. She really hit the lottery. This woman does not need sex or dating to complicate anything further in her complete and utter fuckery of a life.

Obviously, she is going through a lot and she's struggling more than a chain smoker with asthma trying to breathe, however, she has to take some steps forward to move on from all her recent falls. I don't know what to think, but introducing a second party into her complicated, clusterfuck of a life is literally a recipe for disaster, especially if he happens to be the cousin of your costar's husband. Gina needs to buy some furniture and stop sitting on the floor, light a few candles, put on a face mask and just center herself before she even thinks about adding new members to her Eskimo club.

Because this is a reality show they decided to set up Gina with Shane Simpson's cousin. Nope. No. Not today, not ever. Why would you even allow the possibility of dating someone with Shane's DNA? Why? Imagine seeing that four foot tall cesspit at every family gathering. I'm sure the unnamed cousin is a lovely guy, but him having any sort of relation to an angry, Mormon cunt would be a big enough red flag to make you run like a fucking bull. Also as it turns out, Shane's cousin sucks too.

Although his voice was mildly attractive, we still are yet to see a photo of the guy and he chickened out of his date with Gina due to a big toe injury. Are you fucking kidding me? Who wants to be known as the guy who stood up a girl because of a big toe, because this unnamed cousin will forever be remembered as the Toe Guy. How embarrassing is that? There are one million excuses under the sun to get out of a date. Your mother's in the hospital, your best friend got in a car accident, or literally anything else. If you're going to lie about why you can't go on the date, at least respect the person enough to put effort into your lie, and a broken toe is the most effortless excuse I've ever heard. Vicki Gunvalson's apologies are more believable than this chump's dumb excuses.

In the end, it turned out Shane's cousin standing up Gina had nothing to do with his injured appendage and everything to do with the fact he had a girlfriend. I am so conflicted on what to think about this entire situation. Gina's mad at Emily because the cousin said she knew he was in a relationship from the beginning, however, the party planner turned lawyer maintains she didn't. Poor Emily, the resident beard of OC just can't catch a break. She's married to a heartless rodent who hates her, she's gaining weight like a serial killer gains victims, and now her best friend hates her for being tangled up in this situation. Whether or not Emily knew if he was in a relationship, I don't really care, but in her legally brunette mind I really don't think she would bring Shane's cousin onto an international television show if she knew he was in a relationship. Period. End of story.

The Long Island train wreck is also looking for any excuse in the world to be mad at Emily. Gina's over the friendship, she left Emily behind and she has moved on from what they had together, so now any slight inconvenience which comes her way is just going to give her another reason to end their friendship. Gina is just sitting back and waiting for Emily to fuck up so she can have a justified excuse to cut her off. I just want to give Emily a hug and some snacks and tell her everything will be okay but as long as she's married to a walking dumpster fire we all know that is never going to be the case. How can your life be okay if the person who's supposed to be your confidant, your lover and your best friend, hates you more than Mama June hates kale? Someone explain that to me?

It's always sad seeing a real, authentic friendship end on one of these shows and in my heart I want these two to reconcile and get back to where they were out of respect to their past, but Emily deserves better. These two both aren’t in a place to be friends with each other. Emily deserves a friend who won’t bitch about her to other women who already don’t like her, and Gina needs someone who checks in on her actively and make her feel popular.

Nothing else really happened, this was definitely a filler episode as evidenced by the “still to come” trailer they threw in at the end, but I also didn’t hate what they gave us this week. Shannon got a facelift for her vagina and if I have to see one more Housewife have vaginal rejuvenation I’m going to run into ongoing traffic. In the words of Taylor Armstrong: ENOUGH. I could do the procedure myself I’ve seen it so many times, however, instead of inserting a laser into Shannon’s twat, this time the doctor injected a needle into her clitoris. Even writing that gave me chills. Ladies, can you tell me anything more painful than having a sharp object stabbed into the most sensitive part of your body? Shannon literally got her cherry popped. I hope she manages to find an orgasm in her life because David Beador and his prepubescent micro penis definitely weren't getting the job done.

The only thing Brown Wind did this week was take a family photo with her one million children and talk about how they don’t fit into the typical Californian norm. What is the Californian norm? Beachy attire, blonde hair, and repressed eating disorders? If Brauwnyn’s clan fits into to anything it’s Mormonism. Who else willingly has 85 thousand children?

Kelly’s still fighting with her family and I still have nothing to say. It’s sad, I hope they get back together but somebody better tell us all the “stuff” they’ve done to each other because I haven’t heard one example. Also, her brother JR literally married his mother because his wife Carly has the same blonde bob rat nest of a hairdo as Kelly's iconic mother.

I don’t remember or even care about anything else that happened this week, aside from the return of Jesus Jugs. The only thing Alexis Bellino did in her comeback was order a vodka mimosa, gush over her new, hot boyfriend and talk about her divorce to big bad Jim. I forgot how much of a cunt Jim Bellino was (don’t sue me Mr. Trampoline) and he’s literally one of the worst creatures to ever scurry across my television. Jim makes the resident gay Mormon look like Krusty the Clown, and Shane sucks the joy out of a room like Michael Darby sucks the cum out of a penis, so that really says something. If Alexis' only way onto the show is through Emily, the last man on the totem pole, she really must be desperate.

I enjoyed Alexis’ visit but as soon as I heard all her bible talk I was ready to send her on her way. Alexis coming back was like sex with an ex, it was enjoyable in the moment but you don't ever need that wobbly dick in you ever again and it reminds you why you broke up in the first place. It was nice catching up with Jesus Jugs again, however, her appearance just proves the show isn’t lacking anything without her.

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!

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