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RHOC Recap: Trainwreck

What is up with all the train references this season? We’ve seen more talk of trains in the last few weeks than we have lesbian moments, and that is really saying something. Kelly was accused of pulling an eight-man sex train, Gina’s officially a train wreck and now the ladies decided to take the train to San Diego for Shannon’s 55th birthday. Who on production has a public transport fetish?

For some reason, Tamra decided to invite a ghost from OC’s past on the trip: Meghan King Edmonds. Who signed off on that decision? I’m always happy to see an ex-Housewife popping up in the background, but she brought less to the table than a homeless person attending Thanksgiving. She could’ve gotten in a petty squabble with someone, flashed her tits or spilled some tea about her cheating husband, but instead, the only thing she gave us was a train conductor outfit and news of Jim coaching sport in Florida. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. I feel terrible for Meghan, she has three small children and she’s married to an emotionless pig who craves extramarital pussy like Charlie Sheen craves cocaine. I did like her outfit though, and it’s such a trust that Meghan of all people would attend a train ride in full costume. Even Shannon didn’t wear an outfit, and that’s her main schtick.

When Tamra announced the ladies would be traveling to San Diego on a train, I was expecting some scenic Choo Choo train, not the fucking Amtrak. Really Bravo? The producers really just threw eight Housewives on a train with cameras and watched them perform in front of all the civilians who were commuting to their jobs. Housewives always know how to clear a room, but this San Diego trip they managed to grab the crowd’s attention everywhere they went, especially when they were deep throating a penis-pop on the train. The New York Housewives are always looking to get laid but there must have been something in that San Diego tequila because these bitches were hornier than a dog in heat. They are literally a walking circus show and I would be equal parts thrilled and terrified if I ever saw a brood of Housewives walking my way with cameras in tow.

While the ladies were getting drinks at the bar that created an underage Fun Shannon, all anyone could talk about was Gina and Emily’s feud. To catch you up, Gina was set to go on a date with Shane’s cousin, but the relative of the world’s most hated rodent bailed because he had a girlfriend, which he initially disguised by saying he had a broken toe. Men... Therefore, the Long Island train wreck was pissed at Emily and refused to answer her calls, texts and just genuinely didn’t acknowledge her as a human being. Really Gina? I’m the first person to take some space from a friend when I’m pissed off, but you can’t film with a reality show with your so-called “best friend” and not talk about your issues. It’s childish and any woman deserving of being a Housewife would know you confront a bitch on camera, that’s why we’ve got to keep these ladies 45 and over, so they don’t act like a disgruntled teen who wasn’t allowed to go to a house party. Gina pretends to be this straight-talking, no bullshit girl from New York, but she’s really just a scared 12-year-old girl from Long Island who pees herself before she has a ballet recital.

Gina’s end of the table kept talking about the drama, while Emily sat at the other end venting to Meghan King Edmonds about her problem. Somehow the two ended up in the toilet so Shane’s beard could vent in peace, but then Gina turned up and started berating her fellow sophomore Housewife for dishing to Meghan about their problems. Gina needs to take up accent classes and try to get her license back, and then maybe she can start giving out her opinion. This is a woman who spent the entire meal talking about Emily to a group of women who hate her but then gets mad if she is talking about their issues to anyone. It’s hypocritical and gross. Emily Simpson literally has one a half friends on this show, Kelly and Brown Wind, so if the only sympathetic ear she can find is an ex-Housewife with an extra-long neck, so be it. Emily is like the new girl in high school who just can’t fit in and no matter how hard she tries, these girls are never going to like her. Ever. She’s a more glammed up version of Babs from New York, just without the hammers and overall butch vibe.

The two ended up talking things out after Emily got her Hulk voice out, which is always a welcome addition to the show, and I think they made up. Maybe? Their friendship will never be the same and Gina has definitely moved on from their relationship, but for reality television purposes I guess they’re in a good place? For the record, I really don’t think Emily knew this weird distant cousin of Shane’s had a girlfriend, because she’s smart enough to know that everything comes out in the wash. Gina’s main issue is talking about her drama with Emily to everyone, except Emily and it’s getting more annoying than her nasally yet deep New York accent.

Following the ladies getting drinks, they then had dinner at a nice San Diego restaurant and performed for the entire room. Tamra ran around the entire facility trying to find anyone who was willing to put their tongue in Shannon’s mouth and everybody was just taking back shots of 1942. Kelly was mainly tame during the dinner, but Braunwyn brought out her party trick of talking about her threesomes. Brown Wind is a quirky character who I appreciate on the show but she is fucking nuts, which is a requirement to hold an orange. She literally always runs around like she just swallowed a bottle of Adderall while daydreaming about vagina. Tamra and Braunwyn admitting to fantasizing about women while having sex with their husbands is wild. Is this a thing people do because I feel like it’s more common than all the other ladies were trying to make it seem.

Somehow Tamra and Braunwyn’s tongues ended up in each other’s mouths and they just never left. These women are out to dinner in a civilized restaurant and they just started drunk making out as if they’re touching up their lipstick. It is insane. At least these women go for it and don’t give a fuck because heavy girl on girl action would never happen in Beverly Hills. Braunwyn’s table etiquette is crazy, she got milked a few weeks ago and now she’s making out with another grown woman, what’s next? A bikini wax? Oral sex? Where is Brown Wind’s line because I’m ready to see how far she can take it.

As the two women swapped spit, Vicki sat across the table watching in horror, as if they were defecating on their plates. Hasn't everyone had a drunk make out with their friends? If you haven’t seen your friends boobs or had their tongue in your mouth, are you really even friends? Vicki needs to pull the stick out of her ass and remember she is the Queen of Whooping It Up. This is a woman who went from exposing her lopsided titties at the dinner table, making out with strange men and dancing on bars, to morphing into the female equivalent of her square boyfriend. Vicki used to be a fun chick but Steve is really pulling her down.

The ladies ended up in sad night club filled with middle-aged singles looking for sex on a Tuesday night, which was the third location the Housewives managed to find themselves in for the night. Vicki left because she thought Braunwyn slut dropping on Tamra and essentially scissoring in the booth was trashy and classless. As funny as it was seeing these two middle-aged women explore each other’s bodies, it went from being a funny, light-hearted kiss to soft porn. There’s a line between having a drunk make out with your friend and going to second base, they took it too far. However, Vicki’s just angry her “friend” Tamra is making out with the woman who stole her orange.

After asking anyone with a penis if they’d make out with Shannon, she finally found a weird creepy man who smelt of old cigarettes, cheap aftershave, and desperation. He was definitely a four on a generous day but with Shannon’s drunk eyes he would’ve been a strong eight and a half. It’s maths people. Their kiss literally sent chills down my spine and I don’t know how we ended up with all these horny women swapping spit with people in the club. The bouncer definitely had a thing for Kelly and I hope she got pounded out by the 20 something-year-old stud. That bouncer made me more wet than the Pacific Ocean, and yes, cheating is wrong but are we really supposed to believe Kelly is dating that used car salesman? Fuck no. I hope Kelly jumped on his strong dick and rode it like a bicycle because old man Brian is nothing more than an ATM for her.

The OC is back baby and this episode more than proved it, because every single cast member managed to bring something to the table whether it be confrontation, witty one-liners or lesbianism.

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!

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