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RHOC Recap: Chatty Kathy

Gina is officially on my shit list. Her whole hot mess trainwreck storyline has been entertaining because it's always fun to see someone's life going to hell on reality TV, however, we've spent the entire season watching this woman cry about her douchebag ex-husband and now she's contemplating letting him inside her again. Really, Gina? Really? We were rooting for you, we were all rooting for you.

The Long Island import transformed from being a broken 30-something single mother to being an entitled member of OC's blonde alliance and I am over it. It's hard to feel sympathy for someone who is acting like an asshole at every turn, whether it's ignoring Emily's existence, leeching off everyone for support, or entertaining the idea of having a relationship with her abusive ex. And now her platinum blonde monstrosity of a haircut has officially sent me over the edge. Enough is enough. Changing your hair is a rite of passage when you're going through shit, my blonde hair is walking evidence of that, but whoever told Gina bleaching her hair was the answer is not her friend.

Admittedly, her straight, natural hair didn't look terrible after her fresh dye job, but as soon as she started curling it and adding ratty extensions, Gina immediately transformed from mentally unstable barbie to Amanda Bynes circa 2013. It's like cooking scrambled eggs and adding ketchup to add some flavor, it's gross, irresponsible and anybody who likes it is either six-years-old or a seriously deranged individual. Gina is definitely the girl to eat ketchup with her eggs. What I'm trying to say is, her hair looks like a punk rock birds nest and it needs to be stopped before she starts adding colored streaks. Aside from her hideous new hair, Gina also shared the news that Matt called her selfish for not giving him another chance. Let's all take a minute for a collective sigh.

Matt broke up his family when he decided to put his dick in something that wasn't his wife and the only reason he's trying to wiggle his way back into Gina's pants is because he's losing control. Ladies, this is what we call a manipulative cunt. It's no secret these two were in an abusive relationship which is built off power and fear. He thought he can play with her like a doll and treat her like shit until the end of time, however, now Gina decided to be independent and start going on dates with other men which makes Matt feel insecure and jealous. Also, him entering her house at 1 am after manically calling her for hours on end was dark, and I don't think it was as friendly as Gina was trying to make it seem.

Although we've never seen this guy, he's a textbook narcissist and in his mind he owns Gina, so he doesn't want to see her moving on with any guy, even though in his mind he was allowed to fuck every THOT in the county of Los Angeles. He tried to lovingly sweet talk her but when that didn't work he retreated back to insults and manipulation because he knows if he makes her feel guilty enough she'll come running back to him, platinum blonde hair and all. However, as soon as she runs back into his arms, he'll go straight back to whispering sweet nothings in his side chick's ear. Matt doesn't want Gina, he wants control. Yes, he's a hot guy and the father of her children, but Gina needs to know her fucking worth and be smart enough not to reconcile with that dumpster fire of a human being.

Speaking of dumpster fires, Ryan is back around. It's no secret that Tamra's Trump-loving son is the worst and it's not because he's a Republican, it's because he's not fun to watch. I can't wrap my head around what's happening with Ryan, Tamra is worried about his wellbeing but we still don't exactly know what's going on. When some people are in a dark place they turn to God to show them the way, but in Ryan's case, he turned to The Donald. If you're going to look to a higher power, wouldn't you look to someone who isn't a womanizing, egotistical, corrupt pig? Just a thought. Between the flannel, American flag hat and the beard, Ryan would fit in perfectly at a Trump rally or a police line up.

Anyone can believe whatever they want, but Ryan aggressively showing his "patriotism" and dressing as an American flag on a daily basis is beyond annoying. Ryan has made his point loud and clear, and now it's time he takes his neo-nazi ass off TV because the only person more unlikeable than Ryan is, well, Trump. Or Shane. I just don't care about watching Ryan, can they replace his scenes with Spencer? Also, can't Ryan find literally anything else to be obsessed with that isn't such a serious, controversial and mundane topic? Ryan has the same mentality many Americans have and we can't ignore that, especially considering the OC is more red than an alcoholic's rosacea. However, he obviously wants attention by being confrontational and loud in declaring his political ideals, because he's not getting very much attention anywhere else. Why else would your main cause in life be something so polarising?

Ryan's main issue is that nobody ever taught him how to be an adult. Really Ryan, really? This a grown man who is pushing 40, he's had long enough to get his life on track so he needs to stop blaming other people and start taking a look inward, just like his idol. Trump's #1 Fan also complained about "rich" people being afforded different opportunities than he did, which was the most idiotic thing I've ever heard come out of his Trump-loving mouth. This kid's mother is on an international reality show, he was afforded THE opportunity to advertise anything he wants. I don't care about seeing him wallow in self-pity and blame the world for his problems when he could come up with some shitty brand and promote it on his mother's TV show. Period. End of story. Or if he's that desperate for a job I'm sure CUT Fitness is hiring. Obviously, a job won't fix his problems but worshipping a man with a hideous spray tan and toupee isn't going fix them either.

Before we dive into the fashion show, I had an epiphany about the clusterfuck of a relationship that is Shane and Emily's marriage. The two got married after he messaged her on G-Chat and she said yes because she had nothing going on that weekend. Shane was a gay Mormon with judgemental Persian parents and Emily was a single woman wanting a family, it was a relationship built on convenience, not love. Their "union" is nothing more than an arrangement to parent together, plus they had all their kids via surrogate so he's probably never even see the inside of her vagina. This is the main reason Emily's still in her marriage, as well as the fact that she wants her children to have a dad in their lives because she didn't have one growing up. While it's noble she's putting her children first, Emily needs to get the fuck away from that walking rodent and find her own happiness because she's going to wake up in 20 years next to an angry closeted homosexual hobbit and realize she wasted her life.

Now onto the fashion show. Braunwyn attended the event dressed as a gay Big Bird, it's not an important detail I just had to point out the feathered monstrosity of a dress she was wearing. However, it definitely suited her Adderall chic personality. Her formerly anorexic daughter with OCD debuted a dance clothing line at Orange County Fashion Week. A catwalk on a mega yacht doesn't exactly spell "fashion week" to me. Maybe Fashion Night? Everyone was super proud of the daughter for being able to create something after almost dying a year prior. I really don't give a quarter of a fuck about this storyline, but good for Brown Wind Jr, it's a huge accomplishment but we have more important issues at hand to discuss.

Fun Shannon was out to play during the entire episode. I know Mrs. Storms Beador was an energy-sucking black hole last season, but it wouldn't be terrible if she gave us a little range and had authentic emotions this year instead of pretending to be happy all the time. Shannon is either throwing plates or running around in costume, there's really no inbetween. Fun Shannon is the "New Rinna" of OC and I am getting beyond bored with her constant acting for the cameras, in the words of Taylor Armstrong: ENOUGH. While on the boat, some guy grabbed Dr. Deb and her colorful dreadlocks for no good reason while she was on the way to the bathroom. That was it. Dr. Deb may not be mother of the year, but she was made to be on TV.

After the arm grab, Deb complained to a woman named Kathy, who replied saying "I don’t know who you are sweetheart" which is the shadiest thing that can come out of somebody's mouth. Kathy who was waiting in the wings for her Housewives audition suddenly found herself at odds with Braunwyn, Dr. Deb and Kelly over one stupid grab. Brown Wind wanted Kathy to apologize for being rude to her mother, however, she retaliated by screaming at the ladies and when they told her to quiet the fuck down, she pulled out a microphone to start screaming into. It was very Kenya Moore of her. Kathy then hit Kelly with said microphone and then waltzed up and down the runway delivering an anti-bulling rant in her weird cult voice. Yes, this really happened and I'm still not sure if she was the host of the event, or if she just found a stray microphone and started running around with it.

This bitch was fucking psycho and her soft passive-aggressive serial killer tone is going to give me nightmares until I'm 85. Kathy definitely has a screw loose and I'm sure we'll find it somewhere in Deb's hair. Yeah, Brown Wind's daughter's fashion line was great too, but Kathy's performance stole the fucking show. The way she constantly found a way to pass by Kelly's seat and taunt her was truly terrifying. Out of all the places we've seen these bitches fight over the years, I really didn't expect them to throw down with a middle-aged stranger, on a boat during OC Fashion Week. Who the fuck is Kathy and why I have I written her name 85 times? She came out of nowhere and stole the show by assaulting and taunting several cast members with a fucking microphone, a star is well and truly born. Somebody either needs to give Kathy her meds or a Bravo contract, there's no inbetween.

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!

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