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RHOC Recap: Good Tea

Honestly, fuck you, Gina. If the platinum blonde monstrosity on her head wasn't enough, she then decided to fuck her ex-husband. Every time the Long Island import starts to have some level of self-awareness and takes steps to better her life, she just throws herself in the deep end and goes back to where she started. Having sex with an ex is normal, but when he cheated on you and is now dating the woman he cheated with, it's literally the worst thing you can do.

I am so fed up with Gina and her addiction to sitting on floors. We were rooting for her, we were all rooting for her, and she decided to fall for her abusive, cheating husband's charm and go right back into his arms. Tamra's friend saw her sucking his face at a bar which then prompted her to admit they banged that night. First of all, making out with someone at a bar is just obnoxious, especially if you're on reality TV because there's always someone there who will snap a picture and let the whole world know. Has anyone learned anything from Tom's Regency make out? Come on Gina. Even though we've never even heard her husband's voice on the phone, we don't need to meet him for me to know he's a narcissist.

This guy thinks it's okay to stick his dick in anything that's not his wife, but the minute she starts pulling away and tries to move on with her life, he does anything he can to manipulate her into taking him back. Whether it's sweet-talking her or sending abusive messages to guilt her into getting her back in bed. Matt is the fucking worst and like all narcissists, once he gets his fill of validation from her, he's going to go straight back to treating her like shit. Narcissists are experts at making you feel like you're the best thing in the world, then discarding you like a piece of trash and repeating the cycle when you finally have the strength to pull away. Matt doesn't want to get back with Gina for the sake of their family, he just wants to control the puppet he's been controlling for the last decade.

I don't blame Gina because breaking up with a narcissist is harder than explaining the English language to Teresa Giudice, however, she came so far and relied on everyone's support, just to end up covered in her ex's cum. If she wants to help her family, she should make boundaries and fucking stick to them because he's going to constantly try and manipulate her for the rest of his life. Gina will never be free and even though she got him arrested in real time, that doesn't mean she won't fall for his sadistic charm all over again. In some ways being on reality TV is the best thing for Gina and her ratty extensions because it will give her a stable paycheck to care for her kids as well as keep her accountable for her actions. This girl needs serious therapeutic help and that quiet, monotone shrink she's been seeing obviously isn't working.

This week it was Vicki's birthday which is Orange County's version of Christmas. For her special day, Tamra decided to host a tea party which of course required all the ladies to dress up as royalty to spill some tea and talk some shit. For this reason, Vicki, Tamra, Shannon and their kid sister ended up in a costume store which to Shannon is the equivalent of a junkie being in a crack den. Nothing gets Shannon more excited than a theme and she always finds a way to break into costume. The Tres Amigas all dressed in royal attire, while their Long Island assistant came as the mad hatter. Can you imagine? Everyone else gets to wear flowy dresses and you're stuck in a pink wig looking like a prostitute. And then there's Emily and Braunwyn who didn't even get the fancy dress memo, which is even worse than looking like Wonderland's best hooker.

The Tres Amigas rocked up to high tea in a horse and carriage and rolled out a red carpet for Queen Victoria to walk down. It was Vicki's dream come true and I swear she squirted a little every time one of them had to bow down to her. Can you imagine being a normal person, casually drinking tea on your day off and seeing a bunch of Housewives jumping out of a carriage in the fucking parking lot? It was the most extra thing I've ever seen, which includes Shannon Beador getting her clitoris injected with her own blood in front of a film crew. Kelly decided not to attend because she hates Vicki's guts, which is understandable but not attending her birthday after they made up is only going to cause issues. Every time these two take one step forward, they take three steps back. Obviously, they won't ever be friends but Kelly could've worn an obnoxious hat and appeased Vicki on her birthday.

Suddenly, Vicki's birthday went from being all about tea and finger sandwiches to talking about Kelly's relationship. This is what happens when you miss an event, the conversation turns to you and even though it's not fair, it's your own karma for not showing up to work. Shannon revealed Kelly had gotten into a bar fight and fractured some girl's hand, and Braunwyn was telling the group about Kelly having a fight with her boyfriend at another party. Where the fuck are the cameras? Somehow Kelly is having altercations all over Orange County and there's no film crew following her? The fact that Kelly would casually grab a girl's wrist on her day off is wild and I'm not sure why Kelly fighting with her boyfriend is even relevant.

Of course, it didn't take long for the information to get back to Kelly via a FaceTime conversation with Tamra. The reality star turned bodybuilder is stirring the pot with both hands this season and I couldn't be prouder. I know she's not the most popular with "the fans" right now, but Tamra is doing her job and we all have to appreciate that. If Tamra wasn't running around and repeating everything that was said then everyone would be getting along and faking it for the rest of the season, at least she's getting it all out in the open. Somehow they all ended up in the toilet talking about Kelly and lately I feel like these OC women always find a way to film a scene in the bathroom. The birthday girl was left at the table with Emily and Gina, two girls she doesn't even care to know, so she got everyone out of the toilet and back at the table in a way only Queen Victoria could. It takes courage to parade around in public dressed as a dead historical figure, so I applaud that.

Out of nowhere, Gina decided to talk about her daughter's problems at the table. Her daughter as some kind of developmental issues and even though I don't really understand what they are, when you just had sex with your abusive, cheating and all round cunt of an ex-husband, dealing with your child's learning issue is the last thing you need. Braunwyn chimed in to try and offer some advice since her daughter almost died from anorexia a year prior and asked if Gina's kids were in public school. Did it sound a little judgemental? Absolutely. But Brown Wind did have good intentions in asking the question because she loves public school more than Charlie Sheen loves cocaine.

Suddenly, Gina and her pink wig started screaming at Braunwyn in the middle of the restaurant to attract even more attention to their table which resulted in the mother of seven crying and fighting with everyone over the school system. We've seen these ladies argue over cancer, an eight-man sex train and even someone taking their chair, but the public school system has never really come up before.

I like Braunwyn and I'm definitely on her side with this one as Gina was acting like an entitled bitch, however, she needs to toughen the fuck up and stop crying. Braunwyn has all the ingredients to be a great Housewife, she has a wacky home life, a nice home, a juicy backstory, a crazy mom, she's easy to get along with, she loves tequila and is willing and able to make out with her costars at the drop of a hat, however, the only thing that sets Braunwyn back is her inability to handle conflict. This girl breaks down in tears every time these women even raise their voices and I am sick of it. Due to her real-life friendships with the group off camera, I definitely think she'll back, but Little Miss Seven Kids needs to learn how to have an argument if she wants her Housewife contract renewed. Also, having seven kids is bad enough but having to cook vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free food with no nuts for dinner would be worse than childbirth. What do they eat? Spinach?

Gina totally overreacted in arguing with Braunwyn and was just being a bitch. Obviously, she's dealing with her own issues but she doesn't need to yell across the table at someone for asking if her kids go to public school. It's over the top, it's stupid and even Long Island Gina is better than that. They gave us a series of flashbacks showing Gina becoming increasingly more annoyed by the new Housewife and it boils down to one thing. The two Housewives are both trying to break into the Blonde Squad popular group so Brown Wind is Gina's competition and Little Miss Long Island is doing anything she can to prove herself in order to become an honorary member of the Tres Amigas. It's The Hunger Games with tequila and verbal altercations over public schools. Plain and simple. Braunwyn could've complimented her hooker attire and she still would've found a way to fight.

Following their fight, Tamra threw some cake in Vicki's face for dramatic effect and everyone hightailed it out of there after they made a mess of the restaurant. Would it even be a Housewives meal if they don't require a cleanup crew after they leave? In the ride home, Tamra "accidentally" dropped the bomb that Kelly had said she'd only go to celebrate Vicki's funeral which resulted in the OG of the OC passive-aggressively claiming that the resident cunt caller had thrown her mother down the stairs. Wow. For once Vicki FINALLY had the upper hand, but she took away all her creditability when she came out with that comment. HAS SHE LEARNED ANYTHING?! As soon as these two make up, it only takes one tea party for them to be right back in square one, see Kelly, this is why you show up to work.

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!