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RHOC Recap: Checkmate

Tamra's bitchy sit down with Shannon at the end of the episode was some of her best work. Say what you want about the resident shit-stirrer of Orange County, but Tamra's performance was a career-best for her 12 seasons of reality television. Snaps for Tamra. This regular game of telephone between the women has officially transformed into an all-out war between two of the biggest superpowers in the Housewives franchise: Tamra Judge and Kelly Dodd.

To sum things up, Tamra landed back in Orange County with an aggressive text message from the Cunt Caller herself and a weird feeling she was being iced out of the group. After Kelly found out Tamra initially repeated the train rumor, she went ballistic and tried to turn everyone against her. Kelly admitted to talking shit about Shannon every morning with Tamra, which is understandable, it's just venting between close friends, however, she decided to leave out everything bad she said about Shannon and just repeat the things Tamra said, which is more shitty than a clogged toilet. Kelly didn't tell Shannon those things to be a caring friend, she did it to be a bitch and that just shows her maturity level.

Tamra walked into her lunch with Shannon with a bad attitude, snappy comebacks and a manila folder full of text messages Kelly had sent her. This is a Housewife who knows how to play the game. If you don't carry around printed out receipts in a manila folder, are you even a Real Housewife? Fuck showing someone texts on your phone, let's see some old-fashioned evidence. Tamra was confused by Kelly's shit-talking and blamed Shannon for being behind the entire Tamra Takeover of 2019. Instead of informing her best friend of everything Emily and Braunwyn said about her, Shannon got flustered and tried to pick out the facts she could remember. This game of telephone is more fucked up than Vicki Gunvalson's season eight face, you know what I'm talking about. Tamra and Kelly are both just hearing hearsay about what the other person has said about them through a third party. The producers have thrown a nuke into the streets of Coto de Caza and they're just waiting for it to blow the fuck up.

We all know Tamra isn't perfect, none of these women are, but Kelly was definitely grasping at straws to try and make Shannon equally as mad at her. Tamra spent the entire duration of their meal, dragging Shannon, which wasn't fair because she's just a pawn in the fucked up game of chess all these women are playing, the real people Tamra needs to be dragging up and down the street are Brown Wind and Emily, but I don't see that happening any time soon. Tamra was also hurt Shannon didn't call her and inform her of Kelly's shit-talking while she was in Arizona, however, to Shannon's credit I really do believe she didn't want to ruin their trip with a bunch of toxic, negative information. That being said, the frozen fish connoisseur could've told her the tea as soon as she arrived back in the OC. Even though Tamra and Shannon got into it over this game of telephone that has dragged out way too long, they (sort of) managed to reconcile their differences on the grounds that Kelly Dodd was at fault for being behind the drama.

In other news, Kelly is still dating that used car salesman and he is grimier than the floor of a men's bathroom. Dr. Brian has a smile I don't trust and I've never seen anyone more happy to have a Bravo camera in their face. This cunt beams every time he sees the red light flash and I couldn't be happier that he and Kelly's relationship has gone caput in real-time. I don't understand why everyone on reality TV is so thirsty to be engaged, maybe it's just the millennial in me, but can't these women just enjoy their relationships instead of trying to rush their men into proposing? I don't understand the appeal of marriage, it's just a relationship with a ring, some paperwork an a fuck tonne of legal fees. We also saw Kelly and Jolie doing makeup together, while the cunt caller's 12-year-old daughter quizzed her on why she gets mad at other women. These two are like a fucked-up Gilmore Girls and the fact that Kelly receives all her advice and wisdom from her daughter who's in the sixth grade is wild.

While we're on the subject of Kelly Dodd, I still don't understand what the beef between her and her mother is. We still don't know exactly what happened but Kelly's mother wants nothing to do with her. I don't want to accuse anyone of anything, but Kelly throwing her mother down the stairs does seem like a pretty good reason for why they haven't spoken in two years. Seeing two people as close as Kelly and her mom no longer speak to each other is really sad and I hope for their sake of themselves and their family, that they can put the pieces of their relationship back together because you can see the devastation on Kelly's face. Just reach the fuck out and see what happens.

Gina and her platinum blonde extensions are still talking about her ex-husband. This storyline is becoming more stale than sour bread and I'm so confused with every word that comes out of Gina's mouth. She wants to make it work with her husband, but still wants to officially be divorced, but is also dating Dr. Hottie. The Amanda Bynes lookalike needs to pick a lane and stick to it. The writing is on the wall that Matt is abusive. Gina's scared of how he'll react if she dates other men and she knows he'll make their custody battle a living hell, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out he's an abusive narcissist. All of Gina's descriptions of Matt are literally the definition of a narcissist and I'm just thankful she has a reality TV show to keep her accountable and stop her from going back to him. Now that the world knows he's an abusive asshole, she can never go back, and plus, even Stevie Wonder could see that if Gina gets back together with Matt he's going to cheat again. Also, where the fuck is his girlfriend in all of this?

Shannon is trying to get her daughter into college and after this episode, I wouldn't be surprised if she winds up in the news for pulling a Felicity Huffman. I can already tell Shannon's daughter is going to go places. She's smart, funny, polite, but isn't some innocent sunflower. The fact that she's writing a book about living with divorced parents is amazing and it's always fascinating to see the children's perspectives on their parent's clusterfucks of a relationship. We all saw David and Shannon's relationship go down the tubes like a Texas-sized shit, but imagine seeing that trainwreck from Sophie's point of view? That kid is going to go places I'm telling you, whether or not Shannon decides to throw a little hush money USC's way.

Brown Wind's daughter was also going to college and I don't give a quarter of a fuck. We don't know this girl and we've probably seen her in the background three times. Until we develop a relationship with a Housewives child, like Noelle in Atlanta, Sophie in OC or Gia in Jersey, they're essentially just a background extra to me. The fact that Braunwyn and Sean have been together since she developed boobs in the tenth grade makes me want to set myself on fire and jump out the window. Can you imagine only seeing one dick for your entire life? No wonder they have threesomes.

Tamra also attended a therapy session with Ryan and it was the most depressing thing I've ever seen. I don't care about Ryan and the producers need to replace all of his scenes with her good son Spencer. Period. End of story. Ryan treating Donald Trump as his personal god is just bizarre and it's really just a byproduct of his depression. If he was happy and successful in his life, I doubt he'd devote so much time to dressing up as the American flag.

Right now Ryan's depressed over his childhood and is just going through the motions. As annoying as he is, it's sad seeing anyone struggle, but even though he didn't have the financial advantages his siblings have, he does have his mother's reality TV platform he was hawk stuff through. At the end of the day, I just hope he gets the help he needs and can treat his depression because nobody should ever have to feel the self hate that guy is feeling. Also, Eddie saying Ryan's not a man for being depressed was the most moronic thing I've ever heard. Eddie needs to shut the fuck up and find a corner to sit in because mental health is a real fucking thing.

The OC women bashing the one cast member who isn't at the table every single time they have a dinner is so primal, weird and scary. These bitches are literally playing Lord of Flies but with Botox, hair extensions and manila folders of receipts. If the group's constant shit-talking does one thing, it should force everyone to turn up to work so they aren't the next target.

In Tamra's defense, she was probably the one person who wasn't bashing Kelly at the tea party, however, if she didn't tell Shannon about the bar fight none of this would've happened. We can play the blame game as much as we want, but at the of the day Vicki's tea party wasn't a "shit on Kelly session", it was more of everybody exchanging information about the resident cunt caller. Kelly Dodd talks shit about EV-ER-Y-ONE, so she can't be mad when the focus is on her and as entertaining as Kelly's outbursts are, she definitely wouldn't be so aggressive if all these rumors weren't true. This plotline is so fucking confusing, but it's going to be a cougar cage fight as soon as Kelly and Tamra come face to face.

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!

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