RHONJ Premiere Recap: ICE ICE Baby

New Jersey knows how to bring a stellar premiere episode. This premiere had everything: cheating rumors, fights, a solid party to kick off the season and really fresh, fast catchups on everybody's lives. Well done, Bravo.

I no longer care about the Joe and Teresa storyline. Obviously, Bravo is milking this melodramatic drama for everything they can but this isn't fun to watch. The table flipper's husband just spent three years in prison and now he has to spend an unknown amount of time in an ICE facility which is probably the most inhumane place in the world. As much as Juicy Joe sucks, he's served his time and the government should either deport him or let him stay, stop leaving him hanging. Even though in real-time Joe is awaiting his trial from Italy, we all know there's probably a 3% chance he'll ever be allowed back in this country. Somehow all roads on this show lead back to this sad prison storyline. Teresa's daughters went from talking about Gia going to college to their dad getting deported. Enough is enough.

This isn't a storyline I'm interested in seeing. Obviously it’s a juicy headline that drags people in and gives the show an enormous amount of press, but in reality, it’s just depressing, sad and all we see is four young girls constantly crying about their dad potentially being deported from the country he grew up in. These girls don't need cameras in their face while they’re going through something this traumatic, and yes this is Teresa's main source of income so she needs to be on reality television to keep her life (and ego) intact, but no teenager needs to be filmed while they're dealing with something this heavy. It feels uncomfortable watching these scenes play out because this is not footage than anyone needs to see.

Gia's going through a lot as the eldest child, but I'm already sick of seeing her rage about the situation. Her father may be deported and it sucks but yelling at her sister's isn't going to do anything. I believe the judge should keep Juicy Joe in the country solely for his children, however, when you're not an American citizen and you commit a crime, these are the repercussions. Gia has always been annoying since she performed her depressing song in that sad pizza parlor on Milania's birthday, but her confrontational attitude at any and all times is another level or irritation. Also, does Gabriella have a vocal cord? She already looks like the mailman's kid who's clearly not related to anyone else in that house and I'm not sure if I've ever heard that kid speak. She's just waiting for the day she can break out of that monstrosity of a house and write a tell-all book about her clusterfuck of a childhood.

While Teresa was exploiting her children's sadness for a Bravo paycheck, Marge Sr decided to get a job in the city. Can Bravo just slap a GoPro to Marge's mother and give us a spinoff of her nights out? Even though Marge is in her 70s, she's always down for a party and out of any Housewife or Housewives adjacent character, Marge Sr is the one person I would most want to have a night out with because who the fuck knows where we'll end up. Tribeca? Brooklyn? Queens? Jersey? That's all part of the fun. Melissa's storyline this season is turning 40 and her kids don't want to give her affection. Yep, that's it. I like Melissa, she's a steady, constant factor on the show and even if she's just phoning it in by talking about her age for an entire season, a la 50 Cynt in Atlanta, I don't want to see Melissa and her new nose going anywhere.

I still can't tolerate Jennifer's greasy family and I really just want to spray all 45 of her kids down with a firefighter hose. Everyone in her tacky, hideous home looks like they need a shower and I just want to spend one day in her Turkish estate giving all of them a makeover. Her plastic surgeon husband is the only member of that family I can slightly tolerate and that's mainly because he hates his wife more than I do. Bill's romantic gestures consist of reminding his wife to get Botox and offering to suck the fat out of her back, which sounds like a modern-day Romeo & Juliet. This couple's weird Dr. Frankenstein dynamic of him sculpting her body through plastic surgery to advertise his business is wild and her believing him sucking fat out of her body is a sign of his love, is just sad. Jennifer is just annoying, dumb and will do anything for attention. I've tried to get behind this woman's cause but I just can't bring myself to like her. You can smell her new money stench from across the Hudson.

Dolores and Frank are still living together and her boyfriend David has finally decided to be around Bravo cameras. Even though he hated every second of it, David is putting the effort into their relationship. As nice as her doctor boyfriend seems, I just want Dolores to jump into bed with her ex-husband and call it a day. He would fuck her like a lion eating a gazelle carcass. That man would be a FORCE in the bedroom and Dolores' vagina would definitely need police tape for three days after Frank is done with her. Would you expect anything less, I mean his neck is bigger than my thigh. Yes, it's weird for Dolores, her boyfriend and her ex-husband to all be so involved, however, it works for them and it's better to have a good relationship with your ex than spend the rest of your life in a bitter war.

The main drama of the episode was Jackie being offended after she saw Jennifer imitating and mocking her on Teresa's social media. Teresa and Jennifer are just bullies and that Instagram video was unnecessarily mean. All Jackie did was make the valid point of Teresa not being able to control her husband because he's in prison and because the table thrower doesn't have the intellect to fight with Jackie, she just treats her like shit for no reason. Teresa is intimated by smart women because her brain can't even comprehend the words coming out of their mouths, with Caroline Manzo off the show, I'm just glad Jackie and her law degree are around to keep Teresa in check. Jennifer is desperate to be liked by Teresa and she'll fuck over Jackie in a hot second if it means she can get into the OG's good graces.

Jennifer and Teresa are scared of Jackie because they're both morons and they can't fight without getting aggressive because they don't have the brains to use their words. Jackie will hit them with facts and they can only hit someone with a glass. Before long, Jackie discussing the video turned into the ladies talking about Teresa's cheating scandal. Everybody on this show knows Teresa is fucking that 26-year-old boy toy. Everyone. Dolores is a loyal friend who doesn't want to throw Tre under the bus, Jennifer is her desperate solider, and Melissa knows but she’s going to sit there quietly and defend Teresa because she can’t be bothered with that moron bashing her for an entire season. Teresa has never, ever stuck up for Melissa (anyone remember Strippergate?) but she's always the first one to blame her sister-in-law for not defending her.

I feel so sorry for Melissa. She always has to step in to defend Teresa and even when she does, the jailbird still finds a way to be mad at her, even though the table flipper doesn't to the same in return. Marrying into Teresa's family would be a fucking nightmare and appearing on a reality TV show together would be a fate worse than death. RIP Little Miss Envy. There are way too many photos out there for this boy toy of Teresa's to just be a friend. Stevie Wonder could see that Teresa has been unfaithful but this woman is never, ever going to admit it because accountability is a more foreign concept to Teresa than the English language. Literally, every cast member on the show discussed Teresa's cheating scandal, but through a game of telephone, it got back to her that Jackie was "spreading rumors" about her.

Ugh. The Jewish Housewife isn’t spreading rumors she’s just talking about something that everyone else on the show is talking about, but of course, she's Teresa's scapegoat for everything wrong in her life. Also, if Teresa is cheating on Joe who gives a quarter of fuck? That scumbag was cheating on her well before they ever appeared on Bravo, we heard him talking to one of his hoes in the vineyard when he called Teresa a cunt, Jacqueline exposed all of his infidelities at a reunion and he was spotted with multiple bimbos when she was locked up. Juicy Joe was a shitty husband and now that Teresa has gained some independence and started living her life, she's fucking younger guys and reclaiming her youth. If she's screwing around on Joe I couldn't care less because there is no love left in that relationship.

To end the episode, Jennifer threw a patient appreciate party for her husband's plastic surgery business' 5 year anniversary and there was more advertising than a Skinnygirl party. Jackie and Jennifer talked about the impersonation video and it just ended with the Turkish Housewife putting her finger into Jackie's face before yelling and lunging at her during her own party. It's one thing to act like an unhinged idiot during a dinner or vacation, but why the fuck would Jennifer scream at Jackie during her husband's work party in front of his patients? This bitch is thirster than a kid at Disneyland on a summer day. Like usual nothing was resolved and Jennifer blamed her behavior on being a comedian.

Um. Jennifer, if you're reading this, you’re not a comedian and you’ve never made me laugh. She's just trying to invalidate people’s feelings so that she can get away with being a cunt. What she did wasn't funny and instead of trying to pretend like she's the next Joan Rivers, she should just apologize for hurting her friend's feelings. Period. End of story. Jackie and Teresa also agreed to a truce but that thing is going to last as long as Jennifer's liposuction.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and juicy tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.