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RHOC Recap: Florida Fight

This Florida trip is one of the most bizarre Housewives vacations we've ever been on. It feels like we're watching two different holidays: the Tres Amigas on their geriatric Thelma and Louise journey, and everyone else. As hilarious and entertaining as these women's antics are, everything on this trip just feels disjointed and weird. We definitely need more group scenes to bring everyone together because at this point the only people who have been doing their jobs are Vicki Gunvalson and Kelly Dodd.

Following their time at a Miami nightclub, Kelly took it upon herself to attack all the women's hair, and while Gina's platinum blonde monstrosity is an easy target, the resident Cunt Caller making fun of Shannon's extensions is just a low blow. Kelly and Tamra's beef has slowly been building for weeks and it was squashed after just one of Tamra's "THAT'S MY OPINION" screams. Both women have talked an inconceivable amount of shit about each other in the last few weeks, however, once Kelly finally got the real story from the horse's mouth, they made up by the Miami pool.

Kelly got herself worked up over nothing. She waged a war with Tamra over hearsay and a dumb online video that was completely taken out of context, so when she heard the CUT Fitness owner really was sticking up for her, she had no choice but to apologize. Really, Bravo? Really? This is what we call a blue ball feud. We sat through weeks of lunches of these women campaigning against each other, throwing out every name in the book and then as soon as they come face to face they make up? Couldn't they have at least thrown in a hair pull before they hugged? The two OC superpowers are friends again but Kim Kardashian's 72-day marriage is going to last longer than this truce.

After being in Miami for less than 24 hours, the ladies hightailed it out of the party town and headed down to Key West while the Tres Amigas lived their geriatric Thelma and Louise fantasy and Kelly Dodd throw up on the side of the highway. I've never been to the town where David Beador began his infamous affair, however, it seems like a cross between New Orleans, Cuba, and an acid trip. The ladies had to fly across the country and then drive hours to their second destination, so this trip has been all travel and no play so far. Couldn't Bravo just rent them a house in the Caribbean, throw in a couple bottles of tequila, lock the door and call it a day? We need these women forced to share the same air, not spend hours apart in different convertibles.

For the first night in Key West, the ladies attended a drag show which to Vicki Gunvalson is the equivalent of going to the moon. Actually, I think the OG of the OC would be more comfortable floating around the solar system instead of seeing men dressed as women twerk in her face. A drag show is a sure-fire way to have fun for any group, unless you're a Trump supporter or a serial killer, then it may be a little hard to enjoy watching gay men flash their artificial boobs. However, because this is The Real Housewives of Orange County, the fun time ended as soon as the women headed to the downstairs bar, known as The Cum Dump, and word got back to Kelly that Vicki had been in contact with the woman who's hand she (allegedly) broke. Would you expect anything less from Victoria Gunvalson? If the Mayor of Coto wasn't instantly in contact with someone who had a public feud with Kelly, then I would think something was wrong.

We've already established that Vicki Gunvalson is a horrible human being (see: CancerGate, Eddie is gay-Gate, David beats Shannon-Gate, and every other time she repeated a rumor on camera) however, every single person on this show is in the wrong. Everyone. How can we feel bad for Kelly when she was messaging Jim Bellino, trying to join his lawsuit against two-thirds of the Tres Amigas? All these women play dirty but then act like a line has been crossed when the same thing is done to them. We're not watching the Housewives franchise for the moral high ground, we're watching for entertainment. Everyone on this show is a hypocrite, and that's okay, because it's our job to enjoy seeing all these women be wrong together as they continue to fuck each other over. Housewives seeking out disgruntled off-camera enemies of their costars is what makes this franchise go round, and Vicki is working overtime to get her orange back. In the words of Kris Jenner: you're doing amazing sweetie.

As soon as Kelly heard Vicki and her latest face were up to no good, round 367 commenced between the two enemies. No to victim shame, however, if Kelly had just attended that stupid fucking tea party, no one would've talked shit about her, she wouldn't have engaged in a cold war with Tamra Judge and Vicki wouldn't be messaging one of her enemies. If anyone has learned anything from this, it's that you turn the fuck up to work. While still in The Cum Dump, Kelly accused Vicki of being a conwoman (where's the lie), while the "friend of" hit back by bringing up the Cunt Caller's violent past. These bitches hate each other and their feud has officially evolved from a petty cocaine allegation to digging up dirt and throwing it in each other's faces.

Somehow this bar fight turned from Kelly bringing up Vicki's lawsuit with an 82-year-old woman to the OG of the OC calling her a slut. What is this eighth grade? How did we go from screaming to slut-shaming? I haven't heard someone throw around the slut word in a long time and it was like getting a visit from an old, troublesome friend. Calling anyone a slut is obviously disgusting, but I love how Vicki's mind immediately went there.

When your fight has evolved to talking about each other's penial intake, it's time to go home, so Vicki Gunvalson walked out of the bar with her Tres Amigas and started screeching in her best Family Van voice ™ about (not) being a conwoman. There are few things I love as much as Vicki screaming in a tone that only stray dogs can I hear and I appreciate Bravo throwing in a stream of flashbacks for extra measure. It's been a while since we've heard the OG of the OC yell like a rabid dog and if it took putting her orange on the line to make her Family Van voice ™ come back, then Bravo should've demoted her a long time ago.

Of course, the trip was still far from over. For some reason, whatever producer planned this trip thought it would be a great idea for these women to spend their day on a bar that floats out into the ocean. What the fuck? And it didn't even seem to be an actual bar because the women had to make their own drinks, so what exactly are they paying for? The motion sickness? These are the times when we just need to put these ladies by a pool and let the tequila flow because I'm sure the Beverly Hills women would never be seen dead on one of those floating monstrosities. After Braunwyn got stung by a jellyfish, which I'm sure she only did so Tamra would pee on her, Vicki and Kelly got into yet another fight, this time it was across water from the two different floating bars. Wow, nothing will stop these women from fighting, not even a body of water.

Kelly enlisted her ex-husband Michael to dig up dirt on Vicki and as soon as she told Steve Lodge's fiance that her engagement was going to implode, their latest Florida brawl was off to a quick start. And guess what? I don't feel bad for Vicki in this instance either because she was talking to the girl from the bar fight. These women fight fire with a North Korea sized nuke and it's like watching the blind leading the blind in the morality department. Before you could say WOO HOO, Kelly called her arch enemy a pig for the 40th time this year which gave me the same feeling as heroin (not that I've ever tried it.) You know it's bad but it feels so good. As entertaining as it is to constantly hear Kelly call Vicki a pig, she should really focus on the OG of the OC's poor character not her looks, because there's way more material to work with.

Following the latest Kelly vs Vicki brawl, the ladies decided to have two separate dinners to let their beef die down. What the actual fuck? This is when you need everyone in the same room not scattered across the Florida town. Whatever producer planned this trip needs to be fired. From the domestic location, the long hours of travel interrupting the flow of the trip, that horrible floating bar and now all the women eating in shifts, this trip has been planned more poorly than Brooks' cancer scam. During their separate dinners, the Tres Amigas and their baby Gina had a round table discussion about their shitty marriages and basically told the Amanda Bynes lookalike to get back with her ex-husband. Really Tres Amigas, really? Gina needs to be as far away from that phantom narcissist as possible.

After their emotional dinner, the ladies ended their night with a bar crawl through Key West while all the other women went back to bed. Everyone loves to talk trash about the Tres Amigas being old, but I'd rather chug beer with Vicki Gunvalson from the tap, then be in bed by 11 pm with Kelly and Braunwyn. Sorry, not sorry. The Tres Amigas returned to their hotel wasted out of their minds and decided it would be a fun idea to skinny dip in the pool, which is the only way to end a night out in Florida whether you're 21 or 61.

Once the hotel security came to kick them out, they had to sprint back to their room and of course, Vicki slipped over and ended up in the back of an ambulance. You can't write this shit. Maybe the OC Housewives had no budget for their latest vacation because of all the medical fees the producers have to pay every single time they leave the state? Seriously, the Tres Amigas have been to the emergency room in Glamis, Iceland, Mexico, Arizona and now Florida. Bravo can't take these bitches anywhere.

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!