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RHOA Recap: Cookie Monster

Someone tell me how NeNe Leakes is still holding a peach? The woman has been absent for the majority of the season and only turned up to one group event, but even then she only lasted 24 hours in Toronto. We're already 13 episodes into this season and the "OG" has basically only had one appearance on this show. You can't be half pregnant, you're either in or you're out and looking at what's transpired this season, the Rich Bitch is definitely out.

The "friends" of the cast, Marlo and Tanya have had a much bigger impact on this season than NeNe has, so remind me again why she's holding a peach and they're not? NeNe doesn't even deserve to be a friend, she's more of a guest at this point and the fact that she hasn't even attempted to reenter the group is pathetic. Season 12 has had its moments, but as a whole, it's definitely missing that ATL spark that we're used to. If the producers want to have NeNe on the show, they need to throw her into group settings, get the drama going and utilize one of the greatest assets they have, or they should use their resources to find women who will actually do the job this show requires. Or maybe just bring Sheree back? Who doesn't want to see another She by Sheree comeback story?

Thank fuck for Kenya Moore. It seems like the only person actually showing up to work on this show is Miss Twirl. Whether she's hiring a marching band to crash Marlo's party, regifting a doll Eva gave her or bringing in a lady with (alleged) dirt on Tanya's husband, Kenya is keeping this show moving. NeNe may be the OG, but Kenya Moore is the star and without her, we'd be stuck with another season 11 on our hands. There can only be one Queen Bee and this season, Kenya has definitely assumed that position. Kandi, Cynthia, and Porsha are all legendary Housewives, but this year they've definitely coasted to the sides while Kenya Moore spends her free time coming up with ways to agitate her costars.

Say what you want about Miss Gone With The Wind Fabulous, and you've all said a lot, but her messy antics make all the other ladies have to work for their money. If I was grading the season so far, I would definitely give it a solid B-, but let's hope the Greece trip can elevate things up to an A.

This week, Kenya and Tanya hashed out their differences after Wig Gate went down. In case you've forgotten what happened over the two-week hiatus, let me break things down. A woman exclusively known as The Cookie Lady, told Kenya she had met Tanya's husband at a bar where he told her he was single. After Kenya and her messy boots cryptically brought this up at dinner, Tanya decided to reveal a package Kenya had left in Canada... which contained a wig.

Bringing up Kenya's wig would be like asking Britney Spears about shaving her head - you just don't do it. Naturally, Kenya was enraged when Tanya had exposed her wig-wearing ways, as Miss Twirl prides herself on her natural hair and subsequent haircare line. As soon as Kenya heard about Wig Gate, her messy, diabolical ways clicked back into action. It was cute and fun for Tanya to reveal the wig to the other ladies, however, the happy Canadian definitely didn't know who she was dealing with. You can't just bring something like that up and expect Kenya Moore not to react with an artillery full of shady weapons.

During their sitdown, Kenya came in hot and heavy, calling Tanya a cunt, claiming she attacked her "million-dollar" haircare business and invited the Cookie Lady to their lunch to ambush Tanya on camera. See, this is why you can't come for Kenya unless you have receipts and shady outside backup prepared. Even though the Cookie Lady's story was weaker than an anemic fish, the fact that Kenya brought her to the lunch, in front of cameras was enough of a message. Was it a cruel thing to do to Tanya? Of course. Was it excellent television? Abso-fucking-lutely. I feel bad for Tanya, she's like a cute little clownfish swimming in the same tank as great white sharks, which can only end with her remains being scattered across the aquarium floor.

In Tanya Time's defense, her exposing the wig is not to blame for hurting Kenya's business. If Kenya wanted to uphold her natural hair image, she wouldn't have worn the wig in the first place, because Marlo commented on her hairline as soon as she sat her ass down at the table. Kenya was obviously wearing a wig, so her "brand" was tainted with that, long before Tanya pulled that weave out of the bag. Does it even matter what the fuck she has in her hair anywhere? We know Kenya has beautiful, natural, healthy hair and we also know she's worn wigs and hairpieces on occasion, that's fine. We knew this information long before Wig Gate, so her attacking Tanya for singlehandedly coming for her business was a reach. All is fair in mess and shade, and the wig reveal was a quintessential RHOA moment.

The thirst is definitely real with the Cookie Lady, whose name escapes. I retain background character's names like a drunk person retains water, not very well. What self-respecting woman would go on an international television show to talk about someone else's husband socializing with her at a bar? If she was going to waste her time getting mic'd up, she may as well have made up a juicy lie to at least make the story entertaining, but Little Miss Cookie's tea was weaker than my upper body strength. Cool, you outed Tanya's husband for speaking to you, now what? You're not getting a peach, a confessional and we don't even know the name of your store so the only thing this woman got out of her Bravo experience was 10 minutes of fame. Not even 15.

The one thing that was more surprising than the entire Cookie Lady reveal, was Kenya calling Tanya a cunt. We've never really, ever heard Miss Twirl throw around the C-word during her tenure on the show, so you would assume she was saving it for someone she hates more than fake hair, NeNe Leakes, not little Tanya from Canada. The C-word came out of literally butt fuck nowhere, it wasn't the time, it wasn't the place and this petty fight didn't deserve her calling another woman a cunt, however, as an Australian, I love whenever a Housewife throws out the cunt word. What can I say? It's in my DNA.

Aside from Kenya and Tanya fighting over wigs and thirsty cookie THOTs, nothing else really happened aside from all the individual women's relationship issues. Marc still interrupts Kenya and doesn't allow her to speak, so I can't wait for their divorce episode that's supposed to be coming up real soon. Marc is an asshole. He's rude, egotistical, condescending, controlling and just an all-round prick, so the sooner Kenya gets away from him and his loveless attitude, the better. Run, Keyonce, run. Miss Twirl deserves someone that will love her for her, not her uterus, and I'm confident she'll find another fish in the sea that treats her with the respect a queen deserves.

Cynthia flew over to LA to visit her fiance Mike Hill and his female friends. Mike is literally only friends with women, which is fine, but given the fact he works in a male-dominated industry, I'm confused how he managed to acquire all these friendships with vagina owning people. How did he meet them? How long has he been friends with them? Did he date any of them? These are the questions we need answers to. In front of his bevy of female friends, and his 17-year-old daughter, Mike spoke about cheating on both his ex-wives, which is exactly what you want to hear only weeks after getting engaged.

Is it bad to say that I don't really care? Cynthia has obviously caught Mike in a great place in his life where I truly don't think he will play around on her, however, 52 Cynt is a grown-ass woman and I trust her enough to make the right decision. It's her relationship and it's her life. You can tell these two love each other more than a fat kid loves cake, so I don't see any transgressions popping up in their future. However, it was wrong to have that conversation in front of his daughter, who's mother was one of the women he cheated on. I just felt sad for his emotional daughter and Mike definitely should've had the tact not to talk about that subject while she was sitting at the kitchen island.

The last talking point on my list is Porsha and Dennis's relationship which I no longer care about. He's a dog, he's a cheat and he's a mumbling idiot, but Porsha decided to stay with him. Mr. Hot Dog King sucks and every time his grubby little face comes onto the screen I want to run into traffic. Dennis has Eeyore energy, he brings down the mood in every scene he's in and I really can't be bothered struggling to hear him mumble out a sentence. Porsha deserves better than this dirtbag and if she's not ready to have sex with him then he should respect that and be patient because he is the reason why. If he cheats again because Porsha won't sleep with him, it just shows the person he really is.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches.

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