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RHONJ Recap: Cheaters

I know everyone wants Gia and Frankie Jr to start dating, and by everyone I mean Dolores, but Lil Frankie can do a lot better than the eldest Giudice daughter. Am I the only person who doesn’t stan Gia? She’s naggy, annoying, overly dramatic, bossy and way too fucking serious. However, I will say they do look cute together.

Both of the Jersey kids look like they were born to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and even though Gia’s personality is less than desirable these days, in a few years after they’ve both partied, dated around and done all the things kids do, hopefully, they can come together, pop out a few Jersey kids and exploit their cute little family on Instagram. It’s the millennial way. As annoying as Gia is, I do have to sympathize with her for all the shitty cards she’s been dealt in life. As the oldest, she really had to step the fuck up to the plate and has basically been a mother figure to her younger sisters for most of her teenage life.

She’s more of a mother than Teresa and her bird brain, which is why Gia shuts her mom down every chance she gets. Just as I start to like the girl, she has an annoying freakout which proves that she’s been way too involved in grown folks business for way too long. Does anyone else want to eat an arrangement of cheese and sausage of off Frankie Catania’s washboard abs, or is it just me and Dolores?

Speaking of Jersey kids, I fucking stan Gabby. Jennifer’s eldest daughter is literally one of her only redeeming qualities, and even though I’m enjoying Jen this season, morally she’s been wrong in every fight she’s had. This week we learned that along with kids throwing food at Gabby, now they’re throwing balls. Um, where the fuck are the teachers? Knowing Jennifer’s new money status, I’m assuming the kid goes to a fancy Paramus private school, so what are the teachers doing when this shit is going down? And have they done anything since the show has aired? I need answers and I need them yesterday.

Anywho, I love Gabby with all my being. She’s funny, cute, smart, an ally for the LGBT community and just an overall queen, so seeing her healthy (?) relationship with Jen really humanizes the Turkish plate throwing Housewife. Something else I stan is Jen’s brother’s children’s performing arts program and his mother telling Steven she loves him through tears. I talk a lot of shit in these recaps, but her brother’s party, that I’m sure Jen paid for, was nothing but beautiful.

While we’re still talking about the Turkish end of the Jersey spectrum let me say this: fuck Joe Gorga. Yes, I think he’s the hottest house husband we’ve ever had. And yes, on any day of the week he’s normally my favorite person with a penis on one of these shows, however, him calling Jen sexually frustrated was more frustrating than Jennifer’s alleged sex life. Not every woman’s anger is a direct result of her not getting laid and Gorga thinking that giving a girl some dick will calm her down is such a caveman mentality. I love you Joe, but it wasn’t the time, it wasn’t the place and it really wasn’t a funny joke. There’s no doubt Joe believes in the borderline sexist things he says, however, his comments are definitely 75% his beliefs and 25% for the cameras. Joe is basically more of a Housewife than his actual wife, and she might as well pass him the rotten tomato they hold over in Jersey.

Before we dive into the Jersey Shore of it all, unfortunately, we have to talk about Dolores and David. I really don’t give a fuck about this storyline. David looks so sick and grey I just wanna wrap him up in a blanket, lather on the fake tan and fix his pale complexion. These two are both in need of some vitamin D. David needs his from the sun, and Dolores needs hers from David’s crotch because clearly they don’t spend enough time together. Dolores won’t move into David’s house until she has a commitment, but isn’t her designing the home while he foots the bill big enough of a commitment? Why do they have to get married? At the end of the day, it’s a piece of paper that makes everything so much more complicated, so can’t they just be boyfriend-girlfriend in a house they both built together? If I was Dolores I’d be more concerned about him leaving her alone at any and every event she goes too, instead of his lack of engagement jewelry.

After spending time in Jackie’s hood, Westhampton which is definitely not a Hampton, the Jersey girls decided to take everyone on a trip to their old stomping grounds in the Jersey Shore. The only thing missing from this trip was throwback pictures of this crew taking on the shore in the 80s with aggressive fake tans, flammable hair sprayed looks and a lot of cheetah print. I can picture it already. These geriatric Guidos and Guidettes are the OGs of fist-pumping, drunken hookups and club fights because they were doing it while Snooki and JWOWW were still in diapers. I would give my right nut to see Teresa brawling with some 80s shore whores after Juicy Joe was caught fucking one in the bathroom. The Jersey Shore boardwalk is America’s cesspit where fake tan, hairspray, and inflated Italian egos go to die, which is why I’m so happy these mature aged Guidos decided to take a trip down memory lane.

Just be “coincidence” Danielle Staub just happened to be vacationing down on the Jersey Shore while her costars were also there taking a trip she wasn’t invited on. I don’t know if I should admire or cringe at Bev taking a two hour trip to South Jersey just in the hopes of stirring up shit on a show she’s no longer apart of. There’s more chance of Jackie’s lips being real than there is of Beverly just happening to be going down to the shore at the same time. At this point in the game, the only person who can even be in the same room as the Prostitution Whore is the lady who threw a table at her, so she decided to ask Melissa to have a “conversation about their relationship” to try and save her place on the show.

Danielle is thirster than a 2007 Kim Kardashian, however, as horrible as a human being as she is, I’ve got to say, I’m going to miss Beverly on the show because it’s so easy and fun to hang shit on her. She practically writes these articles herself, and let’s be real, even though she sucks more a shore whore under the boardwalk after a big night out, the Danielle episodes this season really have been the best ones.

The group’s trip to the shore was mostly uneventful. During dinner, Melissa said she’s not sure if she wants Jennifer in the group anymore after their plate throwing incident. Uh, did Melissa get prompted to the head of casting? Because her husband’s been doing her job for as long as her hairs been ombre. Jen may be problematic but she is the MVP of the show and the driving force in drama this season behind Danielle, so if anyone needs to be scared about getting cut from the group it’s Melissa. Don’t get me wrong, I like the bootleg JLo, however, her baby storyline is more fake than most of these women’s faces.

While everyone was sitting around the kitchen island the conversation, like all Housewives conversations do, turned into a roundtable about prenups and Teresa finally decided to be honest about Juicy Joe cheating on her. Apparently, when Gia was three, she found a secret phone Joe had for another woman “whose house he was trying to sell” so she believed him and stayed. Having a secret phone for your side hoes is rule one for being a cheating asshole, so if Teresa can’t see that then she really is as dumb as she looks. It’s no surprise he cheated on her because we’ve known it all along, she’s just finally being honest about it.

I wish Bravo would’ve flashbacked to all the reunions she’s sat through coming up with creative excuses of why her husband would never cheat. It’s definitely a lot more than the phone, Joe is the Tony Soprano type, he would’ve had a new flavor of the week the entire time he was married, it’s just who his type of men are. Everything Jacqueline said about him cheating back in the day was 100% true and all of the OGs in Teresa’s life: Dina, Dolores, Jac, Caroline and Melissa clearly knew this information since day one. Did you see Dolores’ face? She wasn’t surprised he cheated, she was surprised Tre finally said it on camera.

A lot of Teresa conversations happened around the kitchen island on this trip. The table flipper also spoke out about her money troubles and always needing to work because the majority of her paycheck is going directly to legal fees. Yes, she’s rich, but it would suck having to pay millions of dollars for a case you know isn’t going to end the way you want. Even Stevie Wonder could see Joe was going to be deported to Italy, so Tre may as well have been flushing hundred dollar bills down the toilet.

Marge stepped in to sympathize with her, given her past legal issues, and of course, Jennifer inserted her monkey asshole lips into the conversation because she was jealous someone else had the opportunity to bond with the OG. Even though morally I don’t agree with Jennifer on anything, she’s a stellar Housewife who never fails to look like an asshole while stirring an unnecessary pot.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and juicy tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.

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