Shade of the Week: Below Deck Sailing Yacht

Following the clusterfuck that was last season of Below Deck, it feels so light, easy and peaceful tuning into their sailing spinoff show. Below Deck Sailing Yacht has just started it's first season, so the cast is still yet to swap STDs, physically assault each other and have drunken tantrums.

The OG Below Deck's recent reunion gave me a headache no amount of aspirin could fix, however, cooling off and relaxing with their sailing cousin was the only painkiller I needed. Is the sailing spinoff a little boring? Yes. Have we had better casting arrangements in the past? Abso-fucking-lutely, but we're only three episodes in and it's a good, calm escape amongst the chaos that is the rest of Bravo's programming.

The reason the Below Deck franchise has become so successful, spawning two spinoffs within its seven-year run, is because it's just so easy to watch. You don't even have to think and they give us everything we need from all angles. We get the escapism of a luxury yacht in an exotic location, crew drama, food porn from the chef, actual porn from those night vision cameras that film the crew hooking up, bitchy charter guests, people getting fired and drunk, crazy nights out. I can't think of one thing this show isn't giving us. Cocaine, maybe? But I'm sure the cast members are doing enough for all of us.

If I was a millionaire and had to rent out a luxury yacht in Greece, it definitely wouldn't be a sailing yacht. Yeah, it's nice and pretty but I don't want to tumble around my cabin just so we can float around on an angle. It's not my vibe. If I was a millionaire I'd be hiring a motor yacht with a gas-guzzling engine all the fucking way, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the new spinoff from the comforts of my own judgemental couch.

This year most of the crew seem very serious and emotionless. As a rule of thumb, each season needs a few ditzy girls, some horny boys, a villain, some weird wacky person on the side and a stick in the mud we can all hate, and hopefully, by the end of the season, this crew will fill all those roles. In the meantime, I’ve already got more than enough snarky opinions about the cast so let’s go down the line, and don't worry, I don’t expect any of you to actually remember these people's names so I attached visual aids to help you along. Thank me later.

Captain Glenn Shepard

Casting a captain is the hardest job because theoretically if this show is a hit, they're the one who is going to guide us through the entire series, and so far I think they did a good job with Captain Glenn. He's the perfect mix between Captain Lee and Captain Sandy. He's old enough to instill some fear into his crew like Lee but is still approachable, upbeat and heavily involved in the cast dynamic like Sandy.

Lee definitely takes a backseat in his wheelhouse while Glenn is basically just any other member of the team, he goes out for drinks with them, shares a bunk with them and even fixed the donkey dick. And before you get too excited, that's just a fancy yachting word for the sail.

Chef Adam Glick

If Bravo wants us to watch a spinoff, then they've got to give us someone we already know as a point of entry: and that's Adam. What neurological disorder do all boat chefs have that make them raging assholes? Asking for a friend. Adam looks like the kind of guy who loves having one night stands with 55-year-old divorcees and cooking them fancy scrambled eggs the next morning, however, because he's a chef, he still has to be a grumpy, cynical, condescending cunt.

Contrary to literally everything I just said, I actually like Adam, but the fact that his career of choice is cooking for rich people on a sailing boat, tells me he's lost faith in all of humanity and has an ego the size of Mama June's butt cheek. Even though he may be a moody asshole, Adam still seems like he'd know how to fuck the shit out of you in a cramped toilet of a Greek bar, and that's all that really matters.

Jenna MacGillivray

Jenna is essentially the diet coke version of Whitney Cummings. She's bitchy, monotone and over everything from the second she wakes up. Naturally, I always root for the HBIC of these shows, but I'm not sure how I feel about this one. Jenna is Kate Chastain but with more disdain for the world and fewer penis jokes. However, seeing the chief stew of this crew chug rosé in a hot tub while drunkenly staring into the camera, was Emmy award-winning behavior that we can't ignore. An icon.

The chief stew, also tried to fuck the chef on the first night of the season, which basically tells you that we have no choice but to stan this woman. Although her drunk, horny antics are everything we need and more, her treatment of her stews is pretty gross. Jenna has more loyalty and respect for Adam than her stews, and I'd rather see her have fun moments with the girls than rim the chef in the kitchen. If this was Housewives, they’d already be saying "SHE'S NOT A GURLS GURLLLL!"

Paget Berry

Paget and his girlfriend Ciara were working on the boat with Captain Glenn for nine months before the season began, so he's basically like a free toy that comes with a box of Lucky Charms. He's not fun, he's not interesting and aside from his toxic relationship, he doesn't really serve a purpose. He kind of just looks like a drunk, British teddy bear with muscles and a farmer's tan. I don't really care about him of his girlfriend, but I'm ready to watch him fuck a tourist on a night out and implode this clusterfuck of a relationship.

Ciara Duggan

Ciara gives me sister wives cult vibes in her relationship with Paget. She's been dating him since she was a teenager, while he was working on her parent's boat, so this has statutory rape written all over it. Ciara's dead behind the eyes and is always in the background of every scene but I like her, even if her boyfriend seems like a controlling, passive-aggressive asshole.

This relationship dynamic is totally off because they both hate the way the other speaks to them, and objectively recognize they hate working together but continue to do it anyway. Again, I don't know and I don't care but I'm counting down the episodes until she stabs him in his sleep after he impregnates a tourist.

Madison Stalker

Every crew needs a bubbly, talkative stew and this one has Madison. While we don't know a lot about this one, she's blonde, can talk a mile a minute, has hilarious confessionals and knows exactly how to play the reality TV game. Madison is just fun and easy to watch especially considering all the boring, serious cast members they piled onto the boat this season. Plus, she kinda looks like the girl from Sex And The City who fell out the window and I'm obsessed with it.

Georgia Grobler

Georgia is the South African third stew with a strong, very posh British accent. Georgia seems like she'd play Regina George in a cheap British direct-to-DVD remake of Mean Girls, even though she's practically the Cady Heron of this boat. Adam has been a condescending prick to her because she couldn't hold a plate properly and Jenna just hates her, which makes me #TeamGeorgia all the way, because being up against cynical Ken and bitchy Barbie would not be fun.

Parker McClown

Like most deckhands, Parker seems like he'd be really good at fingering someone. Sorry, not sorry. Parker's hot and also the most American dude I've seen. I can already picture him ripping it up at a frat party but in a drunk, lazy stoner way. Parker always seems like he just had a massive joint off the side of the boat and I appreciate his mellow, potentially drug-induced ways. I like Parker and he's definitely the most fuckable crew member on the boat, however, if the trailer is true and he still gets breastfed by his mother, I don't know I want to put my mouth where an old saggy boob has been.

Byron Hissey

I literally didn't even realize this guy was on the boat until I saw his photo on Welcome? I guess? All I can remember this guy doing is standing in the background and talking in a British accent, but I guess every crew needs a boring filler character to bring up the addictive, psychotic behavior of the rest of the crew.

If you haven't already, just tune into Below Deck Sailing Yacht next Monday at 9/8c, it's really not that hard. I literally just told you anything and everything you need to know so far, so just jump in and enjoy this messy ride with him because above all else, I need to find out why Parker is still sucking on his mom's titty.