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RHONY Recap: Blackout

Blackout is not only the name of my favorite Britney Spears album, but it’s also what happened to Sonja during this week’s episode. Sonja Tremont Morgan is a fucking star and if Bravo ever even think of firing New York's delusional, drunk crown jewel, I will riot in the street with a toaster oven in one hand and a fistful of rage in the other. We must protect Lady Morgan at all costs.

The only thing better than a weekend in the Hamptons is an orgasm, which is what all these ladies were chasing. This is a group of women that is fuelled purely by their excessive alcohol intakes and restless libidos, so an intoxicated Sonja wandering aimlessly around a $39 million house trying to sniff out some dick is more common than Botox on this show. The only people who could possibly keep up with these women's sexual desires are frat boys who live off stale beer and blowjobs, but even then Sonja's hairy pussy could be too much for them to handle.

Oh yes, during one of her many drunken ramblings this week Sonja announced to an empty party full of stiff Trump supporters that she doesn't shave her pussy which is probably the only thing we didn't know about this woman's anatomy up until this point. Keep in mind this entire episode took place over 24 hours, which just goes to show how these women tirelessly deliver for our entertainment. To start the day, Ramona took the women to a winery to talk about their innermost problems, which is the only way to start your day in Housewives land. In retrospect, if these women started guzzling wine at noon how did they think Sonja was going to be anything less than blackout by the time dinnertime rolled around.

All of the ladies drank their sorrows away over a cheese platter while the Luann fled the lower level of Ramona's compound to see her "chiropractor" giving the women enough content to talk about for at least two glasses of wine. Leah tried to play devil's advocate by suggesting that maybe a winery wasn't the best place for Lu's sobriety but let's be real, the Countess went home so she could skull a bottle of rosé without any cameras present. One by one the women went around the table to reveal something none of the other women know. Ramona cried about being single, Tinsley whined about not having a baby and spoke about how her new boyfriend "Bruce" takes her for granted.

I'm in love with Mugshot Mortimer. She's a confessional assassin, she's quietly entertaining and she's finally found her place in the group, however, this is what happens when you date men for their money. Now, I'm not saying that Tinsley's a gold digger but if the Louboutins from the Coupon King fit, wear them. Tinsley obviously dates men in her circle which translates to old, rich and gross, so if you're dating a billionaire who looks like a gremlin, you've got to be prepared for him to treat you like a trophy wife. Honestly, I don't even want to waste any more time talking about "Bruce," his three children and his two ex-wives because we all know she's now engaged to the Coupon King himself.

Dorinda told the group she's scared every day because she feels everyone in her life is depending on her, which explains why she's been such an asshole this season. Just when I thought I was over Dorinda and her wine breath, she pulled me back in with her sad soliloquy. Obviously, she's at a strange transitional point in her life and wants a man like Richard who can take care of her and let her be a passenger in the car instead of having the stress of constantly fending for herself. The first step Dorinda needs to take is dumping her meatball of a boyfriend. Although I've grown to like John the dry cleaner and his coked-up charisma, we all know she loves the idea of being sober more than she loves him, so she needs to kick his ass to the curb and try and remedy her life on her own.

The next sob story was given by Leah who told the group about how her parents sent her to rehab and then left her at a halfway house after her alcohol and drug-fuelled teenage years became too much for them to handle. Props to Leah who obviously recognized the bad path she was going down and decided to turn her life into a success rather than a trainwreck and it's just another reason why this badass bitch will be on this show for as long as she wants to be. Leah has a fresh energy and ticks every single box required to be a New York Housewife. Drinking problem. Check. Mugshot. Check. Police officer assault charge. Check. Opinionated personality. Check. Savvy shade skills. Check. Messy backstory. Check. Is there anything in the job description this woman doesn't have?

Leah reminds me of a grown-up version of Dayna from Vanderpump Rules but with a tramp stamp and an actual sense of self. They look the same, they sound the same, however, Leah definitely is a more genuine person, compared to Dayna who is doing anything and everything to keep her place on reality TV. Is being around this group of women the healthiest thing for Leah's relationship with alcohol? Fuck no. Is it entertaining for us? Absofuckinglutely. I'm counting down the fucking days until she has one glass too many, strips naked, jumps in Ramona's pool and verbally abuses the majority of her cast members, because that is what it takes to be a New York Housewife.

Following all the women delving deep into their emotional issues, Sonja took her time to ramble about everything in her life except her personal problems which is the only expected response from Sonja Tremont Morgan. I could watch this woman drunk ramble about sex, dying, dog shit, pussy hair, and toaster ovens for literal hours. Seriously, can Bravo just strap a go pro on her so we can listen to her incoherent thoughts at all hours of the day? After Sonja "shared" with the group, the ladies went home to get ready for Ramona's party at a Trump supporters house. The Bravo editors are sheer geniuses and their subtle shade by reminding us that this guy held a fundraiser for Trump was perfection.

By the time these bitches rolled up the party, Sonja was already 30 sheets to the wind, which really is the only way to start a party in the Hamptons. Ramona was busy playing the part of a conservative WASP to fit in with her new society friends, while Sonja belligerently ran around the house trying to fuck any guy she could get her hands on. Obviously, the Ramona Coaster was embarrassed that her friends were humiliating her, but what else did she think would happen by bringing a bunch of horny cougars to a party when they've been drinking since noon. Really, Ramona?

The only thing that happened at this party was Sonja Morgan. If she wasn't yelling about her pussy hair in the $39 million basement, then nothing would've happened because this party was more stiff than the owner's dick while he toured everyone around the compound. The man in question, Joe I forget his last name, dated Bethenny, Tinsley, and Ramona so he's basically another Tom 2.0. He toured the ladies around his house and almost ejaculated at the thought of America seeing how rich he is. If you're really that wealthy the house will speak for itself, we don't need to see every nook and cranny of a home you're selling. Joe and his Lisa Vanderpump veneers were WAY too happy to be in front of Bravo cameras and it seems like the only one who didn't see the red flag was Ramona, of course because she was too busy seeing dollar signs.

There were probably 10 people at this "party" so Sonja screaming about her pussy hair was obviously a performance for everyone else to see. All ten of the guests watched while Sonja told them she had more money than them and then tried to hide from her when her inner cougar started pouncing on them. Ramona's friend Elyse, who has been given a lot of screen time this season, decided telling a blackout Sonja she was a trophy wife was a good idea. Even when Sonja's sober everybody knows not to bring up her 100-year-old ex-husband, so Elyse was definitely looking for a moment of relevancy by starting this drunk brawl. Who the fuck is Elyse and why she is taking up precious screen time? Ramona, grab your friend.

Following the blowup, Sonja had to be physically dragged out of the party by three women while she was still trying to hit on a 24-year-old Gossip Girl wannabe who was definitely named Chad. Once they were somewhat out the door, the entire cast flew off into the wind like the Witches of Southampton and the entire party got ready to spend the next five hours talking shit about Sonja. Those boring, pretentious snobs are lucky Sonja gave them a show because the only thing they'd be able to talk about is hedge funds and their friend's recent divorce.

The next morning, Sonja somehow stumbled out of bed when the cast realized Luann had fled the property in the middle of the night after growing tired of Ramona's lower level. Is this bitch serious? You get the room you're given and you shut the fuck up, has she not learned anything from her 85 years on the show? Nobody likes someone who complains about their room and in actuality, Lu had the best room of all. It was practically her own apartment away from the other women in case they got too drunk. Let's be real, Luann would've complained no matter what room she got because she wants the girls to give her ego a big fat rim job at all times. It's exhausting, but oh so entertaining...

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!