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RHOBH Reunion Recap: Liar Liar Ragamuffin On Fire

PHOTO: Bravo

It's always weird watching a reunion after a Housewife announces they won't be back but it also makes you realize why. Denise will never admit that she let Brandi spend the night in her cookie jar and if she's not going to be honest then there's nowhere for the storyline to go - and also when you send a cease and desist to your costars and the network it's kind of hard to come back from.

Everyone with a brain and a Bravo addiction knew the chances of Denise returning to the show were the same as the chances of Teddi developing a personality - not very good. There's something so effortlessly entertaining about Denise fucking Richards slouching on her chair drunk in her confessionals and lying about having sex with Brandi, however, there was only one way this season could've ended and it wasn't with Denise coming back. She gave us what we needed this year and her storyline of avoiding the women at all costs was entertaining but it had to end somewhere.

After examining Twitter it's pretty clear that most fans believe Brandi, but are on Denise's side either because they feel sorry for her, hate the other women, or just find her nonchalant personality entertaining. I, however, just enjoy watching the show. Yes, watching Kyle, Rinna, Erika, and Teddi constantly obsessing over this lesbian affair is gross but if they weren't forcing this storyline down our throats we'd have nothing to watch. Just like she did for most of the season, Beverly Hills' resident Ragamuffin spent the reunion lying about having sex with Brandi. You would think as an actress Denise would be a better liar, but I guess that’s why she does Hallmark movies.

If Denise had combated the rumors by owning their fling or telling them it was none of their business then it would've been a tiny blip in the course of the season and everyone would've moved on, however, her straight out denial and subsequent legal action painted her into a corner that she couldn't get out of. Don't get me wrong, every time Teddi opens her big a-cunt-able mouth (see what I did there) I want to drink a pint of my own urine and I think Lisa Rinna has become more vapid than ever been this season, however, we have to acknowledge that Denise fucked herself harder than Brandi ever could.

Speaking of Teddi "Butch" Mellencamp, apart from the 2.5 seconds where I teared up over her newborn's upcoming surgery, I wanted to rip her pink extensions out during this entire reunion. Can someone please explain to me why this woman still has a job? She's boring, plain, annoying, passive-aggressive, dull, depressing, embarrassing, unpleasant, and just an overall painful person to watch on TV. I would call her a cunt but that would be giving her way too much credit. I just don't care about a single word that comes out of her mouth and pregnant or not, she still has the personality of a soggy tuna sandwich. She's not even boring and nice, you just know she was the teacher's pet who told on you for staying up past curfew on school camp and wouldn't help you with your homework even though she finished it three weeks prior.

I don't care about her daughter's finger, I don't care about her gross new hair that she thinks equates a personality and I don't care that her baby was named after an emoji. That's embarrassing and she should never tell anyone that ever again. Something else I don't care about is that fucking bunny. Am I the only one who thinks it's the most overrated moment in Housewives history? Yes, it was funny and melodramatic for a second but they have milked this thing more than an 80-year-old cow. It wasn't that iconic and all these bunny flashbacks do is waste valuable time in the episodes. Enough of this fucking bunny.

While we're on the topic of small, annoying things that won't go away, let's talk about Lisa Rinna. I used to stan the big-lipped queen of Beverly Hills, however, she's morphed into a thirsty, narcissistic caricature of who she used to be and I do not like it. Lisa is always acting and it's exhausting. There's no substance. She's mastered the Housewives game and shows nothing from her real-life while telling everyone else to be honest about there's.

Lisa using her daughter's eating disorder as a convenient storyline allows her to say she's being honest without actually having to show what's really happening in her life. Why don't we ever see Harry fucking Hamlin? I'm not one of those conspiracy theorists who believe he fucked a dog or lives in Canada full time, but Lisa saying Denise needs to show her real life because she talks about her own daughter's eating disorder is just a copout. Also, I never need to see Amelia Gray on my TV ever again.

I could write about Kyle and Dorit's beef but I really can't be fucked. It makes literally no sense to me and I understand they have this weird rivalry that is always simmering in the background but until either of them actually admit what their true issue is with the other instead of masking it with fake excuses like glam or Teddi, then I really don't want to waste 20 minutes writing about it. Also, we need more drunk Erika in the future because that was the most relatable she's been in a long time.

Denise fucked up by denying having sex with Brandi but her biggest mistake was saying they were never friends because now the other women can use all their texts to nail her to the cross like Jesus. See Vicki Gunvalson, we haven't forgotten about you. If the allegations weren't true, she could've called her up, called her out and it would've been over with, but of course, Denise doesn't want to address the lesbian affair in the room because it really happened. The year's worth of messages prove Brandi and Denise were really friends and the cease and desist proves that the two had sex. Period. End of story. If you had nothing to hide you wouldn't waste the money on sending legal letters to make people shut the fuck up.

Denise fucking Richards, which is the only way she should be referred to, was shitfaced this entire reunion and I'm just surprised she didn't fall off her chair a la Kim Richards. I'm not blaming or even passing judgment because if I were in Denise's position I would've downed a bottle of Casamigos before the Zoom-union too. The only thing that would've been better than drunk Denise Richards is coked out Denise Richards. Could you imagine if she started doing lines of booger sugar off her kitchen table while all the girls were yelling at her from their Brady Bunch squares? I think I would've ejaculated on the spot from that level of iconic.

Even though I acknowledge that Denise is lying, I still love her more than a fat kid loves cake. She is sticking to this lie like gum sticks to the bottom of a chair in a basketball stadium and I respect her consistency. If you're going to lie, you may as well go down in a blaze of glory and pussy juice while doing so. The only thing that annoyed me about Denise was her stopping Brandi from attending the reunion. Obviously, Denise made it clear to Bravo that she'd only attend if her one-time lesbian lover did not, which gave Bravo enough time to come up with a fake excuse that they had "heard enough" of Brandi's allegations.

If they didn't think it would be productive to bring Brandi to the reunion because the conversation wouldn't go anywhere between her and Denise then why even bring up the topic with seven other women who have nothing to do with Brandi sucking her clit? It doesn't make any sense. Denise continued to lie to all the women for this entire reunion and she would've lied if Brandi were there as well, so what would've been so bad about dropping Brandi in to spice things up and letting us have the closure of seeing the two women finally come face to face after they were muff to muff. And since when has Bravo ever shied away from drama? They would've loved for Brandi to come, and the only reason she didn't was because Denise threatened to sue them, but good job Andy at giving us a half believable excuse.

If Andy really wanted to show "both sides" then wouldn't the sides he showed be Denise and Brandi's? None of the other women were there so they don't have a side in this fight. It would've been another she said/she said scenario, which is basically what every Housewife fight is anyway, so the only reason she wasn't there was because of a cease and desist. End of story. It's complete bullshit and we were totally robbed of the only confrontation I cared about seeing all season. Bravo, Bravo. Also, did anyone catch how when they scrolled through the text messages there was a blurred-out photo of Brandi's tits? Just an observation...

Watching Denise at this reunion was like watching a kid learn to ride a bike for their first time, painful yet rewarding. She got caught in more lies than OJ Simpson during a murder trial and she always thinks she has a smoking gun but ends up shooting blanks. The ragamuffin tried to deny that she had said worse things about Teddi to Brandi when she had literally just watched a clip of her saying that exact thing. Either she was drunk, delusional, or both and hey, I'm fine with that. It’s quintessential Housewives behavior when someones denies a reality we all know to be true and I can't get enough of it.

Although she lied, fucked with production, and threatened to sue the network she appears on, Denise fucking Richards was an excellent Housewife for all the reasons she shouldn't be, and for that, I say thank you to our latest fallen soldier. Rest in Malibu, sweet Ragamuffin.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies

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