RHOP Recap: Sister Wives/Boyfriends

PHOTO: Bravo

At this point, it feels like we've been at Monique's lake house for three months. If I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with six other crazy bitches and a team full of producers and cameramen I would be shitfaced the entire time. I don't fish, I don't canoe and I don't cook but what I can do is drink like a middle aged woman going through a divorce. What else are you supposed to do at someone's lake house?

The episode kicked off with Gizelle and Candiace trying to tell Ashley and her forehead about Michael's latest questionable activites. Is Crocodile Dundee a sex addict or something? Two years ago he was dicking Grindr boys down in a London hotel room, last year he was grabbing butts and volunteering to suck dick, and this year he is running around Maryland strip clubs asking to take girls back to his hotel and telling anyone who will listen that he has a boyfriend and a wife. He must be some kind of sex shark because he never fucking stops.

If you're going to suck dick, suck dick. If you're going to cheat, cheat, but at least respect your wife enough not to get caught. At the end of the day, I don't think Ashley gives half a fuck where Michael puts his penis and she probably prefers it when it's not in her, but what Ashley does care about is her cheating husband becoming yet another storyline on this show. If your wife was on a reality show, wouldn't you at least try to be a little discrete about your messy ways instead of roaming seedy strip clubs and casinos with whores on your arm?

Obviously Michael isn't Brad Pitt, that part is very clear in more ways than one, however, he's "famous" enough for the odd person to recognize him, snap a pic and send it to the blogs. Next time if any of you guys see Michael's philandering, can you hit me up because I would love the next cheating Darby exclusive and we all know this won't be the last time he gets caught with his pants down. Literally. The only thing worse than a cheater is a bad one and Michael getting caught within 24 hours of stepping out on his wife is just pathetic. Michael Darby is a fucking idiot and I'm personally offended, outraged, and disgusted that he's a fellow Aussie. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth, which is coincidentally what Michael probably does when he's going down on his boyfriend.

I definitely believe the rumors that Michael has a boyfriend, but I just need him to come out of the woodwork and sing like a fucking canary so we can get to the bottom of this messy situation. Gizelle almost had an orgasm when Candiace came to her with the tea about Ashley's husband because she loves mess more than she loves an ugly, ill-fitting dress.

The two girls sat Ashley down in a nice, respectful way to deliver this gross news, and instead of being defensive, aggressive, or confrontational, she took it in with open ears and told them she'd speak to her husband about it. As much as Ashley understood this information was coming from a good place she definitely would've been pissed off that for the second season in a row the focus was once again on her marriage, but the person she should be mad at isn't Candiace for carrying the bone back, it should be Michael for being a selfish pig.

Seeing Ashley receive the news even made me feel bad for her and my heart is made out of 70% steel, 20% cigarette smoke, and 10% recycled parts. She's already struggling with postpartum depression following the birth of baby Dean and Michael basically guilt-tripped her into taking the newborn on the girl's trip, just so he could spend the weekend putting his penis where it does not belong. He's such a repugnant, egotistical, selfish cunt of a pig and I just feel bad for Ashley that she's stuck with a man who will always prioritize his dick over and her and their child, but hey, this is the bed she made and when you marry for money you pay for it the rest of your life.

If Candiace's friend from the strip club's tea wasn't enough, within 24 hours photos and videos from Michael's big night out leaked online and we got to see everything from him chatting up girls at a poker table to him walking around his hotel room in just underwear. How many more times do we need to see hazy photos of Michael naked in a hotel room? Enough is enough. I don't know what's more startling, Michael's saggy old man butt or Ashley's admission that she sniffs his underwear to check if he's cheating. If you have to sniff your man's tighty whities to determine if he's entered another hole, the answer is probably yes. Also, why did she wait this long to admit to her Nancy Drew tactics?

The most disgusting part of all of this isn't that he blatantly cheated on her in public with several witnesses present, but it's that he went to the strip club when she was pregnant and then promised he wouldn't go back. It takes a special type of cunt to seek out a lap dance while your pregnant wife is at home with her swollen feet on the couch, carrying your baby and waiting for you to come home. That's more disgusting than Monique's pet bird. I like Monique and T'Challa is growing on me, but birds are the rats of the sky and I don't trust anything that has feathers or can fly. Ugh, I just want to wash my hands and take a piping hot shower every time I see that rodent fly across the screen.

For nearly the entirety of Ashley's run on this show, Michael has consistently publically humiliated his wife again and again and again. Either he's trying his hardest to make her break up with him or he's just a fucking idiot with a raging sex addiction. I'm going with the latter. The best thing to come out of this cheating scandal was definitely my headline getting splashed across the screen during yet another dramatic media montage used to amplify Michael's gross behavior. Snaps for me!

While Gizelle nearly ejaculated hearing the news of Michael's latest infidelity, Monique used this opportunity to fight with Candiace. The entire time Candiace and Gizelle were giving Ashley the information about Michael's extracurricular activities, Monique was more paranoid than a schizophrenic drug addict. Obviously, she thought the ladies were using that time to plot to take her down because she doesn't trust Candiace or Gizelle at all. Somehow the beef of the episode revolved around Monique being mad at Candiace for feeling the need to bring up the Michael tea on camera.

Monique doesn't care that Candiace told Ashley, she's just using this opportunity to take her anger out on Candiace for bringing Charrisse around and doesn't want to make those trainer rumors a storyline, so attacking her about this non-issue is the next best thing. As Bethenny Frankel says, it's never about what it's about. End of story. Neither of these women have any trust in the other and they're both finding indirect ways to fight with each other to avoid their real issue. It's sad because you can clearly tell they care about each other, which is why they're both so hurt that they can hardly even bring themselves to talk about their issues without storming off or exchanging petty insults.

There's this insanely deep emotional betrayal between both of them that you can feel through the TV. Monique was using this Ashley situation as a cover for her real issues with Candiace and after she beats the shit out of her next week, I really don't think we're going to see these two in the same room ever again, so we'll never get to the bottom of their actual problem. You know this beef is serious because Candiace never misses an opportunity to belt out a slightly off-key "Happy Birthday" performance, but this time she hid upstairs in the hallway to avoid giving her nemesis any kind of praise. That's the level of petty I aspire to be, actually, I'm pretty sure I've already done that. Maybe Monique pretending to be asleep so she didn't have to say goodbye to Candiace can be the level of petty I aspire to be. Oh fuck, I've done that too...

The husbands all arrived for what felt like 25 minutes. Did they really just invite the men to eat lunch and play a stupid game because they probably spent more time commuting there and back than they did actually on the property. Dr. Wendy and her husband Eddie opened up about why his mother hates her and it turns out they have their own Nigerian Romeo and Juilet situation going on, where both their mothers didn't like each other even before they were together. I love historically feuding families and I just hope we explore this storyline more as the season goes on.

When Dr. Wendy was talking about her situation, it made me realize that almost everyone at the table has mama drama. Candiace with her crazy mama, Monique with her husband's crazy mama, and Ashley with her crazy mama. Fuck, we really need a Real Mamas of Potomac spin-off, don't we? They would put these bitches to shame. The husbands also played a game where they impersonated their wives. Most of them weren't memorable (or funny) but Black Chris imitated his wife giving head which was gross and problematic, and White Chris took home the prize of best performance when he threw around a butter knife to impersonate Candiace. At this point, butter knives will always be synonymous with Candiace Dillard Bassett.

Although this episode was full of Ashley, Candiace, and Monique drama, my highlight was drunk Karen. What did we do to deserve a monologue from Karen five shots in at 12.33 am? I could watch drunk Karen all day every day. She's funny, sassy, wild, and more honest than she ever has been sober. There are few things I want more in life than for La Dame to drunkenly lecture me at 3 am about my life choices while she spills the tea about her own internal drama. Also, when there's drunk iPhone footage filmed by a tired producer in the background, you know it's gonna be good.

Karen finally revealed that she used her money to bail both her and Ray out of their tax drama and reaffirmed that she only stayed with him because she loves him. I swear to god if he doesn't give Karen her three words by the end of the season, I will fly to Potomac and hunt the Black Bill Gates down until he treats Karen Huger the way she deserves to be treated. Justice for Karen and her nine shot maximum!

The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.