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Below Deck Med Recap: Budget Gordon Ramsay

This is literally the most boring collection of people I've ever had the displeasure of laying my eyes on. Ever since Hannah was kicked off the boat for having prescribed valium which brown noser Malia acted like was cocaine or something, this cast has progressively gotten more annoying as the weeks go on. Thank fuck for Aesha because without her vibrant personality I would've tied myself to the anchor of this fucking boat.

Aesha said it best when she was telling her brother that this group doesn't have any banter, in other words, they're just fucking dull. There's no chemistry between anyone on the boat, even the ones who are fucking each other. I feel sorry for Aesha, she had an amazing time last season, and now she's basically being held captive in the middle of the ocean with a bunch of people who have the combined personality of an ingrown pubic hair.

Everyone is just there to do their job and then fight about how to do their job. There's no comic relief, there's no funny one-liners and there's nothing to even watch. If I wanted to watch a three-week-old "couple" argue about nothing, I'd turn on Love Island or go jump off a cliff because there's nothing more annoying and gag-inducing than seeing two idiots who think they're in love fight about the color of paint. Actually, I wish Jess and Rob were arguing over paint colors because at least then they'd have some substance to their arguments. This is probably the most stupid relationship I've ever had to sit through and in the world of reality television, that says a lot.

Let's go down the list of why these crew members suck. First off, Pete isn't even in the show anymore after he was edited out for posting an insensitive racist meme, which I have a major problem with. Yes, it was a bad meme but Bravo only got rid of him because everyone was calling for heaps of Bravolebrities to be fired for their past racist transgressions and instead of taking Kelly Dodd's orange away, they decided to fire someone who is only a background cast member on Below Deck to make it seem like they were "taking a stand" against racism when we all knew he wouldn’t have been back anyway. If they wanted to show that they're truly against racism then Jax Taylor wouldn't still have a job.

I wonder what storylines Pete had this season that they had to cut out because I'm sure that's why we're stuck with Malia and her beard of a boyfriend being the focal point of the show. I would rather spend the afternoon with Teddi Mellencamp than watch Rob and Jess' problematic relationship play out on screen and I don't even care enough to analyze it. The reason they fight about such stupid bullshit is because they have no foundation for their three-week-old relationship and they communicate like they're both speaking Chinese to each other. Jess and her lip fillers are overly emotional and Rob is way too logical, a combination that never works out. This is why you don't fuck someone on a boat. End of story.

Their relationship was doomed since the first time Rob's emotionally distant mouth uttered the words "I love you" and they've been slowly falling down a well of cigarette ash and embarrassment ever since. Rob is so fucking weird and mysterious but not in a sexy kind of way. Every time he opens his mouth I feel scared for my safety and my butthole clenches whenever his deep monotone zombie voice tries to express any kind of emotion.

This guy has the personality of a raisin and the fact that Jess thinks she's in love with him really showcases how vapid she is. If you can't even let your boyfriend of three weeks talk to another girl without going into a full-blown bitch fit, then obviously you're not ready to be in a relationship and all it does is highlight her own insecurity. I hope their Bali trip goes well because a week of alcohol-induced fights is going to do wonders for their prepubescent relationship...

Although Jess and Rob are on the moronic side of the spectrum, Malia and Tom are on the insufferable side. Aside from Teddi Mellencamp, nobody's pure existence makes we want to run into ongoing traffic like Malia's does. Every time she's on the screen I can feel a tiny bit of vomit creep up the back of my throat and her budget Gordon Ramsay boyfriend isn't helping the situation. I would rather swallow cum covered razor blades than watch Malia's beard of a boyfriend pound her in a tiny bunk bed, but I guess Bravo thinks these two canoodling on their lunch break is something we want to watch.

While Tom was jamming his cucumber inside his girlfriend, Sandy was outside the door asking him to prepare cucumbers for the hungry guests, which of course, set the British chef off like a flare gun. He started his day raging about his two kilos of mussels not being delivered and even when they were, he still acted like an ungrateful cunt. Yeah, I said it, Tom is a fucking cunt. They gave you the mussels free of charge and said sorry, just be thankful and get the fuck over it you insufferable dipshit. Cucumber Gate was the next thing to set this prick off and instead of, you know, doing his job and slicing the fucking cucumber, he took his anger out on poor Aesha who had stumbled into the galley three seconds before he did.

When I heard this repugnant little weasel passive-aggressively ask Aesha “you don’t have the ability to slice up a cucumber?” I wanted to shove the cucumber up his pimply ass. First of all, this New Zealand queen is already stuck at sea with a bunch of lifeless sacks of shit, she's homesick and now she has to cop abuse from a chef that's probably just mad because his girlfriend doesn't have a penis? Aesha doesn't deserve this and even when she fired back and was brought to tears, Tom continued to act like a pompous, self-righteous, smug piece of shit. You just know he never got laid in high school, and it shows. I can't tell if Tom is a prick because he was trained by Gordon Ramsay or because he's dating an unlikeable troll? I can't decide.

Seriously, if you're that much of a stressed-out monster go have a fucking cigarette and calm the fuck down, you egotistical pig. It may seem like I'm going in deep on this chef and I am. Dating Malia is one thing but being an asshole to my queen Aesha is another and nobody gets away with making the only likable person on the boat cry. Even though I wasn't writing recaps when Hannah got fired, I still have some choice words for the rat cunt, who more commonly goes by the name Malia. This bosun has a severe case of narc energy and you can tell, like Teddi Mellencamp, she always reminded the teacher that you had homework.

If you're going to be a cunt, be the biggest cunt you can be and wear it proud, but don't sneak around behind closed doors reporting Hannah's prescription medication just because you wanted your BFF Bugs Bunny to be promoted to chief stew. If Malia really felt "so concerned" about Hannah's wellbeing, wouldn't she talk to Hannah about it? Doesn't that sound like the logical thing to do? Instead of going behind her back to brown-nose Sandy and then act like she had no idea why Hannah got fired. Malia and her boyfriend can fuck right off the boat and just for the record, two blind pornstars could have more chemistry than these two idiots.

Alex and Bugsy aren't as bad as the other four crew members I've just described but they still suck. My main issue with Bugsy is that she just doesn't seem genuine. The newly-promoted chief stew acts all easy-going and fun-loving but you just know deep down she’s a judgmental bitch. There’s nothing wrong with that just admit it and don’t hide behind glitter and extravagant ocean-inspired hair clips. Bugsy really isn't that bad, but her friendship with Malia makes me lose respect for her and I just get an insincere vibe from her that I can't explain.

Her make out buddy Alex isn't much better. Yeah, he looks like a loveable teddy bear who would be so fun to have a few beers with, but I don't understand why he's so whipped by Bugs Bunny when they've only made out once? The fact that he told her she's the last thing he thinks about at night and the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up is disgusting, weird and gives me major stage five clinger energy. Don't get me wrong, I like Alex but this "relationship" is just not it. Also, can they just fuck already? This entire season Bugs has strung him along with her flirtatious eye contact but the season is almost over and if they're not going to pound it out in the cabins then it's time for this non-existent relationship to come to an end.

Below Deck Med airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!

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