RHOP Recap: Drag Me Monique


PHOTO: Bravo

The Potomac editors really are doing the lord's work. They're breaking the fourth wall, trolling the women in the editing bay, and just making the show fun, bubbly and entertaining to watch. All the other cities need to pick up their game because Potomac really is the best Housewives show they have to offer right now.

Whenever an episode opens by teasing a dramatic fight, you know it's going to end with an annoying "to be continued" card that makes you wait another week to see the drama unfold, which is exactly what happened this time around. This Bravo tactic is more annoying than Gizelle Bryant's fashion choices and it should really be recycled by now. I understand they need the ratings but for fuck sake Bravo, get your shit together and just show us Monique beating up Candiace already.

Before we dive into Potomac's barnyard brawl, we have to discuss the Darby's clusterfuck of a marriage. Michael is a pimple on a pig's ass. He's sweaty, repugnant, and just an overall gag-inducing human being. After Ashley initially found out he was at the strip club he claimed one girl was all over him, (which is physically impossible when you look like a cat's asshole) however, when the photos leaked of him in a hotel room with another woman, then his story changed to kissing a stripper in a taxi and then falling asleep drunk. If Ashley really believes this is the truth, then she's more stupid than I thought.

He's obviously only going to admit what he has already been found guilty of and is only giving her enough truth to keep her around. Michael seems like he wants some bang for his buck, so if he is paying for a hotel room then he's definitely going to use those sheets until they are wet from his cum and his sweaty back. Can Gizelle use her messy powers for good and bring that stripper onto the show so we can get the real story of what happened? The most surprising part of this entire scandal isn't that Michael cheated, it's that he cheated with a woman.

I said this last week and I'll say it again if Michael is going to cheat, then he needs to cheat behind closed doors and stop humiliating Ashley like this. However, she doesn't make it hard for him when she continues to stay and enable his behavior just so she can keep using his credit cards. While the two had dinner to discuss Michael's latest infidelity, Ashley brought up how they've had threesomes with other people in the past, which they both definitely agreed on revealing beforehand. These two don't make a move on camera without the other one knowing and they would've planned on spilling the tea about their David Guetta induced threesomes to try and mitigate his cheating ways.

Couples everywhere have threesomes, it's not a big deal and it doesn't excuse someone for cheating. Threesomes and cheating have nothing to do with each other, one is done with both parties present and the other is done behind someone's back, so the fact that they thought this new revelation would somehow make the situation better is more confusing than Michael's sexuality. All the women were outraged when Ashley opened up to them about her marriage's polyamorous history and for a cast so obsessed with sex, I didn't expect them to be such prudes.

Robyn and Juan have 100% messed around with a third party in the bedroom and no one can convince me otherwise. Speaking of Robyn and her sex life, ever since she's started getting laid, she's so light, breezy, and fun to watch. She drifts in and out of scenes and always seems kind of sleepy, but it works for her. Seeing Robyn send a message about Ashley TO Ashley and then save herself with a nonchalant follow-up text is exactly the kind of funny, low level, side drama I want to see from her.

Michael also shut down the conversation about his cheating ways at dinner by pulling a "Bravo, Bravo fucking Bravo" and telling the producer he was done with shooting for the night. Whenever the producers break the fourth wall it makes me wetter than Niagara Falls and I really need Bravo to keep up their trend of showing us a peek behind the curtain. I'm still confused why Michael would even return to the show? He spent all of last season being accused of grabbing butts and wanting to suck dick, only to come back?

If you were falsely accused of a crime you didn't commit, just as Crocodile Dundee says he was, then why would you continue to open your life up to the world. His choice to return to the show only proves two things, that he grabbed the butt and that he's a dirty little fame whore.

After a dramatic trip to Monique's lake house that felt like it went for three months, Monique and Candiace were officially done with their friendship. Obviously, their main issue is the off-key happy birthday singer inviting Charrisse to her engagement party after she spread rumors about Monique having an affair with her trainer, but if the bird lover isn't going to bring that up on camera than she needs to leave Candiace alone. Monique doesn't want to talk about why she's mad about Candiace inviting Cha Cha because she doesn't want to give any further attention to the rumors of her fucking her trainer, so she's picking dumb fights with Candiace instead.

I've ridden hard for Monique since she stepped on the scene and told Gizelle she had four homes, however, this season she seems aggressive, angry, and just not herself, or at least the Monique we are used to seeing. Maybe that bird has something to do with her ever-changing personality? The fact that she has spent $200K on a fucking podcast is wild to me because all you really need to pay for is a microphone and a producer but normally that charge is covered by your sponsors. Does Monique have any sponsors for her podcast because if not, she should just throw the entire Not For Lazy Moms schtick out the window and find a new project to focus on.

All the podcasters I listen to actually make money from their platform and get paid for their live events, so the fact that Monique has thrown hundreds of thousands of dollars into a podcast that no one is listening to is more pathetic than Gizelle getting back together with her cheating ex-husband. Before the not so lazy mom dragged Candiace across an abandoned barn, the newlywed dropped out of Monique's live podcast show, which only sold 20 out of 300 tickets.

Although it's obviously unprofessional for Candiace to drop out of the show only days beforehand, it makes sense considering these women aren't even on speaking terms. How does Monique expect Candiace to participate in her event when they can't be around each other for thirty seconds without a petty fight breaking out? Did she want them to get into an argument while taping the live podcast because I'm sure THAT would sell tickets...

While Monique vented about her money pit of a podcast to her husband, who would definitely rather her look after their three kids full-time, Candiace laid down some tracks in the studio. Seeing a Housewife in a singing booth brings me more joy than ecstasy ever could and for what it's worth, Candiace's remix of the ballad she wrote for her husband was actually good. I don't know if it was the cowbell or the acclaimed record producer but I am here for Candiace's bop. In a sad way, this physical altercation between the two girls was really the only way this storyline could ens. Every time they see each other, Monique starts arguing with Candiace, and the former pageant queen storms off, so it was only a matter of time before one of them dragged the other to the point of no return.

Gizelle invited the girls to an abandoned barn for a wine tasting to celebrate her literary award. Who the fuck wants to drink wine in a barn that's in the middle of nowhere? The entire atmosphere just felt cold, weird, and gross, but hey, I'm sure Gizelle found a Groupon for a group wine tasting at the bottom of her purse and couldn't pass it up. This choice of scenery was as good of an idea as her "GUCCY" hat which was more distressing than Monique and Candiace's altercation. After Ashley came in and told the women about her geriatric husband cheating on her (with a woman this time) it didn't take long for Monique and Candiace to start aimlessly fighting with each other before Candiace started waving her knife around in the air. Hasn't this girl learned anything about what happens when you play with knives?

One second they were fighting about whether or not Monique was fake sleeping so that she wouldn't have to say goodbye to Candiace at her lake house, and the next Monique was yanking Candiace's hair across the table while Gizelle stood in the corner trying to not have an orgasm. Her ex-husband turned boyfriend obviously spends his time fucking through congregations around the country, so the only chance Gizelle has at an orgasm is watching two women fight about the dissolution of their friendship.

As soon as they put their hands in each other's faces and Candiace told Monique to drag her, it was game over. Obviously, the fight was escalating and when you tell someone to drag you, you're literally asking for it, but someone can provoke you all day long and it's still up to you whether or not you actually let yourself get to that point of physical violence.

Both of the women are somewhat in the wrong here, Candiace with her Kenya-esque provocation and Monique with her hair pulling, but at the end of the day if you put your hands on someone, then there's no one to blame but yourself. Fuck, I cannot wait until next week and I really hope Bravo shows us the brawl in its entirety and not just a few quick cuts with blackouts for dramatic effect. If they're going to promote their entire season off this one fight, then they need to make it worth our while.

The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.