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Below Deck Med Recap: Butt Gate

PHOTO: Bravo

Another episode of Below Deck Med means another episode of Jess and her uncontrollable insecurity running rampant aboard The Wellington. For the last few weeks, every recap I write has been about Jess and Rob's turbulent relationship of five minutes and Tom being an asshole but this week even Tom managed to put his asshole tendencies aside for the sake of the yacht.

After Aesha unintentionally put her hand on Rob's ass while taking a photo, Jess redlined and started mumbling to herself about all the ways she wanted to physically assault the New Zealand queen. Jess is literally fighting with herself at this point because I don't understand how anyone can dislike Aesha. She's the only entertaining person on this godforsaken boat and she's only talking to Rob because he seems to be the one person she can actually banter with, and even then his weird zombie voice gets lost in translation.

If I was Jess I'd be more worried about the horny charter guests trying to steal her "boyfriend" than I would about Aesha putting her hand on his ass because he was wearing a backpack. Talking about this stupid situation literally gives me a headache and I can't find half a fuck to give about Jess' jealous ego. In the words of Taylor Armstrong: ENOUGH. In my opinion, the only reason we have been subjected to this storyline for the last half of the season is because the network couldn't air any storyline with Pete after they edited him out. Yes, he may have posted a racist meme but I would rather watch Pete act like a budget version of The Situation in 2009 than sit through Jess' bullshit any longer.

People in relationships can flirt, especially when the relationship in question is on a boat with milk that has been around longer than it. Rob should be allowed to talk to human beings who happen to have vaginas without his "girlfriend" threatening people's lives while she's changing sheets, but her insecurity won't allow that to happen. After the minor butt touching incident that no one saw or cared about, Jess practically turned into a UFC fighter getting in the zone for her next cage match. Normally I don't make any sporting references because I don't know the first thing about physical activity, however, during quarantine, I binged Kingdom on Netflix, purely due to the fact that Nick Jonas plays a gay MMA fighter with a tonne of shirtless scenes and inadvertently learned a lot about cage fighting. Go figure.

After spending her day pacing back and forth in a ridiculous rage, Jess finally confronted Aesha about touching her boyfriend's backside and at that moment she really should've realized how stupid she sounded. Aesha apologized and brushed it off, but the only thing Jess was owed for making a mountain out of a molehill was a slap in the face and maybe a coupon for anger management lessons. Normally I'd find someone with this level of delusion on reality television hilarious, (I worship Countess Luann and she really believes she can sing) however, Jess' delusional internal monologue makes my ball-sack ache in fury. For the rest of the day, she continued to mope around the boat and take shots in the galley while she was supposed to be working, which is probably the one thing she has done all season that I can actually respect.

Of course, when Jess and Rob finally had a sit-down, he was sick of her constantly finding things to fight about and she was hurt that he wouldn't validate her feelings. This is why you don't fuck someone on a boat and say "I love you" thirty seconds after your first kiss because it only ends in drama and a potential drowning. How did they think they were going to travel to Bali together when they don't even know each other? Rob is way too logical and Jess is way too emotional which is a combination that never, ever works out, they may as well be speaking Chinese to one another because they're already speaking two different languages.

Rob obviously had enough of the constant drama with Jess and made the decision to stay aboard the boat at the end of the season and do a crossing to the next destination in order to elevate his hours and move onto another rank or something like that. I always get confused whenever they start using "boat talk" but I think that's a rough idea of what he wants to do. In other words, Rob would rather stay on a boat with one another person for 20,000 hours while it drives halfway across the world than spend a few weeks with Jess in Bali, and I can't really say I blame him. Thank god next week is the last episode of the season because I am so fucking sick of discussing this absolute clusterfuck of a relationship.

In other boat news, Tom managed to finally stop being a little bitch, improvise with the products he has available, and do his job without complaining the entire time. Maybe if he implemented this attitude when he landed the job I wouldn't have spent weeks calling him a cunt and the Budget Gordon Ramsay, however, then we wouldn't have had any reprieve from Rob and Jess' exhausting relationship drama. The charter guests also had their own silent disco that was more cringeworthy than the though of Malia and Tom having sex. Hooray, one more week to go!

Below Deck Med airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!

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