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RHOP Recap: Homecoming Queen

PHOTO: Bravo

Karen may be the self-appointed Grand Dame of Potomac but it turns out she's also the Queen of Surrey, Virginia. This week when the wife of the Black Bill Gates took Gizelle and Ashley back to her hometown, the ten people in the crowd throwing candy at the homecoming parade treated her like the queen she knows herself to be.

Gizelle labeled Karen the "Beyonce" of this small little town but we all know she's the Tina Knowles in this equation. Karen looks like the love child of Tina Knowles and Wendy Williams, which is probably where most of my infatuation for the Grand Dame comes from. Although she's always presented herself as this posh, self-important, etiquette obsessed socialite, in her heart Karen is really just a humble farm girl from Virginia. Karen is the grounding force of this show and in the age of OGs leaving, which must protect her at all costs.

It was great to see where Karen grew up and how far she's come after working at a Taco Bell, marrying an older rich guy, and being cast on a reality television show. I mean, who else can say they're the most famous person from Surrey, Virginia? The fact that Karen's ancestors were slaves on the farmland they now own is so inspiring and amazing to see.

The only downfall of this pilgrimage home was obviously her getting emotional over the death of her parents but it was also the fact that Gizelle was apart of the trip. First of all, Jizz and her dumpster fire closet need to burn that wig she brought with her to Surrey because it was more trashy than her ex-husband-turned-now-boyfriend's shady double life. Scratch that, Jamal doesn't have two lives, he has about six or seven.

Ashley decided to leave baby Dean at home for this trip, probably as an insurance policy to make sure Michael wouldn't hit up every strip club across the DC area but I'm sure he was spinning on some Grindr dick the minute Ashley pulled out of the driveway. Ashley saying she put a tracker in his ass before telling us how loose her husband's hole is was dark considering he's known to like the finer things in life, and by that, I mean big black cocks. At least if he did spend the weekend chasing tail he was smart enough not to get caught this time.

The Black Bill Gates hates Karen and it's so devastatingly obvious. Obviously, he's annoyed by her newfound success because he's no longer the breadwinner in the relationship and wants to settle down, however, she's stood by him as a supporting wife in the background for decades, so it's only fair that he finally returns the favor. The least he could do is give her a goodbye kiss or tell her he loves her once in a while. It's so crushing to see her outwardly love her man so much yet get nothing in return. Justice for Kurn! Gizelle tried to make it seem like Ray wasn't coming on the trip because he didn't want to, which is probably true, but we all know he stayed home because it was a girl's trip for the cameras.

Back in Potomac, Robyn found herself in tax trouble to the tune of $90,000. Do any Real Housewives actually pay tax? How many times does the IRS need to come after these bitches before they learn their lesson? The reason Potomac is the best show Bravo has to offer is because these women will ALWAYS call each other out on what's in "the blogs" and thankfully, one of the blogs in question this week was yours truly. I don't really care that Robyn fucked up her taxes, but I'm grateful for her bad accounting skills because it gave Good Tea yet another cameo on one of these shows.

Robyn claimed she forgot to report her income and filled out her tax return wrong, which I 100% believe. Now that Robyn's been catching consistent dick, she's sleepy and forgetful at the best of times so I'm not surprised she couldn't cross all her t's and dot all her i's. The most ironic part of this entire situation is the fact that Robyn came after Karen so hard for her husband's tax issues when she's now embroiled in her own scandal. At least Karen's tea made it into the Washington Post. This was a fun episode to watch mainly due to all the role-playing that was going on.

Robyn and Juan dressed up in disguises and pretended like they didn't know each other at a bar, which is the only thing I want to do with my boyfriend once we're out of lockdown because Dylan, Tatyana, and her heavy brown wig gave us everything we needed to see. Roleplaying at a seedy bar is the best foreplay and I assumed they were going to have the wildest "choke me out and spit in my face" sex when they got home until Robyn's tax situation came up and made Juan's dick more flaccid than Gizelle's face.

Wendy and her sister also roleplayed to figure out how she and her four degrees were going to tell their Nigerian mother that she no longer wanted to be a professor. Apparently, Miss Susan is at the top of the Nigerian community because both her daughters are doctors and although I admire her tiger mom energy, it's selfish for her to push Wendy to pursue a career she's no longer interested in just so she can look cool for the other Nigerian mamas. In the end, Wendy is obviously going to do what Wendy wants to do, however, her sister's impression of their mother was spot on. I almost thought she was in the room.

In addition to all these fun roleplays and Karen's pilgrimage home, of course, the ladies found themselves discussing the Monique and Candiace drama. Monique finally expressed remorse over the fight and explained that because she's always so high strung and under pressure, she snapped and put all her anger onto Candiace, which wasn't right. Obviously, all her stress from the behind the scenes plotting of her costars and the trainer rumors spread by Charrisse made Monique ready to explode for the entire season and she finally did, by slamming Candiace's head into a table. It was evident that Monique wasn't herself this season and maybe been ostracized from the group can finally get her back to the place she was before.

However, Monique's remorse came a little too late as Candiace is getting ready to press charges. Gizelle, Karen, and even Mama Dorothy believe the Butter Knife enthusiast should press charges against her costar for pulling her hair and punching her in the head. Although some people may find Candiace's need to press charges dramatic, I totally get it. My pig of a brother punched me in the head at the beginning of quarantine and the only thing that stopped me from calling the cops was the fact that he had punched one of my sister's "male suitors" in the face a week before and the police didn't do anything. Yeah, my family's trash. FYI, he's a horrible hitter so there really wasn't any damage done to my beautiful head, but that's beside the point.

I'm surprised Dorothy is wanting to press charges against Monique and isn't giving her a high five for beating down her daughter. Maybe she's just jealous she wasn't the one to do it after she slapped her with a purse last season. Although Karen is in the middle of this beef, she admitted to telling Candiace she would press charges if she was in her shoes, which is 100% facts. Do you really think the Grand Dame would let someone hit her in the head and get away with it? Gizelle on the other hand, couldn't give a flying fuck about Candiace or her infatuation with butter knives and is pushing her to press charges purely to ensure her arch-nemesis will be off the show for good.

The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.