Shade of the Week: Ashley & Michael Darby
This is my first Shade of the Week in a VERY long time and what better way to reinstate this messy tradition than by talking shit about the demise of Ashley and Michael Darby's pitiful marriage.
Ever since Michael walked onto The Real Housewives of Potomac six years ago with a Corona in one hand and an unsuspecting man's ass in the other, he's been the main source of chaos on the show. This geriatric kangaroo of the man is one of the worst House Husbands in the history of the franchise so it's a major relief that Ashley has finally kicked his problematic ass to the curb. At this point it's basically mandatory for each city to have their own odd couple. New York had Simon and Alex, OC has Emily and Shane, Beverly Hills has Dorit and PK, and Potomac has (or had) Michael and Ashley.
If their 30 YEAR age gap wasn't enough to make them stand out then Michael's troubling antics certainly were. Whether he has grabbing crew member's butts, cheating every three seconds or (allegedly) sneaking off for Grindr meet and greets, Michael's wrinkly old dick always got him into trouble and caused Ashley to have to answer for all his gross life choices. However, we can't even feel bad for her because every time Michael would be caught sexting a young twink or spending the night at a hotel with a mystery woman, Ashley would always come to his defence and stand by his side. In hindsight maybe she was just in it for the money? Scratch that, OF COURSE she was in it for the money.
Ashley, a girl who grew up in poverty, jumped on the first rich white dick she saw. She didn't really seem to give a fuck how many people he fraternised with on the side because she was counting down the days until she could serve him with divorce papers and get half of his assets. Ashley may have looked more stupid than a person wearing socks and sandals for defending her husband who makes me embarrassed to be Australian, however, I guess she was dedicated to getting the bag for the majority of her relationship which I appreciate, admire and respect.
Immediately after the news of their split hit the internet, fans didn't hesitate to find old footage of the two revising their prenup. Let me break it down for you. If the two split during their first three years of marriage, Ashley was supposed to get a lump sum payout, however, at the three year mark they signed a new agreement which meant if they made it to five years, Ashley would get half. Well guess what bitches, Little Miss Messy herself managed to stay married to the senior citizen for EIGHT years which means our girl is getting half, and then some, considering she somehow got two kid's out of his ancient ballsack. This bitch has been hustling since the day she said "I do" to her sleazy fossil of a husband so the last six years of public humiliation have finally paid off.
The only thing that makes this triumphant news even better is the fact that The Real Housewives of Potomac is currently filming its seventh season which means we are going to see all of this bullshit play out on the show. Michael and Ashley may have released a joint statement claiming to have "love and respect" for each other amid their breakup, however, if there's one thing I know from watching 80,000 hours of reality television it's that divorces always get messy. Everyone always goes into a divorce claiming to still be "best friends" with their ex but as soon as custody issues and money start getting discussed that best friend bullshit flies out the window faster than Michael can smack an ass, and thankfully Bravo cameras will be there every step of the way.
Do you want to know the best part of this divorce? We will NEVER, EVER be subjected to another Michael and Ashley sex scene again. The fact that Bravo not only filmed but broadcast footage of them lathering each other in whip cream and licking it off is probably one of the most sadistic things they've ever done. And this is a network that has kept Gina and Emily employed for four seasons.
Honestly, as much as I want to see these two rip each other to shreds next season I think they'll have a pretty amicable divorce. They've got a very clear prenup and both of them are now free to live their own lives. Ashley can raise her two boys and live off half of Michael's assets for the rest of her life while he can fuck whoever and whatever he wants without having to answer to anyone. I hope they BOTH find hot muscly guys who can plough them like there's no tomorrow. Maybe Michael will finally come out or maybe he'll finally have the courage to propose to Juan. The world is his oyster at this point. Michael has obviously been trying to get out of this marriage for a very long time by fucking anything with a pulse so his hard work has finally been rewarded.
The only person whose more excited about this breakup than Ashley's fans, producers and cast members is her mama Sheila. I'm guessing 4/20 is one of Sheila's favorite days for a number of reasons (puff puff) but now she can add her daughter divorcing her gross husband to the list. Honestly, let's all raise a glass of champagne (or twelve) to Sheila because her dream of bathing in Michael's money has finally come true. I have no idea how much money this man but I don't think Ashley would've stayed around this long if she didn't know he had some serious cash in the bank.
The last few years have been more depressing than Gizelle's fashion choices, however, every now and then something comes along that lifts everyone's spirits and reaffirms our faith that there is still good in the world, and the news of Ashley and Michael's divorce is one of those things.