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Shade of the Week: Don't Be Tardy

PHOTO: Bravo

This week I was stumped for who to crown Shade of the Week.

NeNe Leakes and Kelly Dodd were the obvious choices due to NeNe slamming Andy Cohen and Bravo as "racist" for firing her, however, I already shaded the Rich Bitch back in February and I really can't be fucked discussing Linnethia any further. As for Kelly, she's obviously come under fire for her "Drunk Wives Matter" hat in the last week but I'm waiting until the upcoming season of The Real Housewives of Orange County kicks off to talk shit about her because we all know season 15 will be the downfall of Dodd.

After crossing those two problematic Housewives off the list, I started watching the season eight premiere of Don't Be Tardy out of boredom and it hit me that this was the show I needed to discuss with you guys. Obviously, I won't be recapping it because I'm not that invested in the Biermann family, and I'm not sure if anyone even watches anymore, but talking shit about this show every now and then feels like a good idea.

Who would've thought that Kim Zolciak's family would've had a spinoff that spawned eight seasons? Definitely not this bitchy writer. I miss the days when Kim would chain smoke Newport cigarettes, run around in synthetic wigs and guzzle wine by the bottle but after catching up on the show I realised that the old Kim is still there, just minus the cigarettes and with better wigs.

When Kim returned to The Real Housewives of Atlanta as a "friend" in season ten, it was an epic disaster after she talked shit about all the women and then denied any and everything she said at the reunion. Oh, and they also called her out for being a racist, so there's that. Filming with a bunch of women makes Kim come across as an unaccountable idiot, however, filming a show where she's the star surrounded by her chaotic family, really does work for her. Not a lot of Housewives can make a spinoff show work (I'm looking at you Manzos) but somehow the Biermann's found the special sauce to reality TV success.

Let's be real this family is literally the trashier, southern version of the Kardashians but it works for them and clearly the people who have been watching this shitshow for the last eight years. For some reason, Bravo decided that putting Kim, Kroy, their six children, chef and nanny in an RV for five weeks to travel across America would be a good idea. The network must've coughed up a lot of cash because we've seen how Kim fairs in buses and it's not very well, let's not forget when she drove Kandi's assistant Don Juan insane over her cigarette breaks and then almost got beat up by NeNe while they were on route to Miami. Ahh, the golden days.

Kim is more extra than a drag queen that shoots flames out of her titties, so of course she couldn't just load her family into an RV and go on their way across America. She had to bring an entire truck to trail behind the RV purely for clothes because she believed all eight members of her family needed 40 outfits for their adventure, one for everyday on the road. Kim also brought a boat load of creamer cartons for her coffee because she was scared they wouldn't be able to find the exact brand across all 50 states. Although her high maintenance would give any sane person a headache, this is exactly why she's still on TV after 13 years. Kim's trainer park diva demands are hilarious, especially because she doesn't see anything wrong with them.

Out of all the Housewives from every city, Kim's finances keep me up the most at night. I know Kroy was in the NFL and Kim's got a range of beauty products but are they really making that much money to sustain their lifestyle? The thought of the amount of money Kim spends in a year is probably enough to feed a small country and she's been like that ever since she was fucking Big Poppa for Range Rovers and diamond necklaces. In my mind, everything is paid for on credit cards that they slowly pay off when a big check comes in the mail because we've never seen anything in the press about her owing money, being sued or not paying her taxes, which can't be said for most of the Real Housewives.

Kim Zolciak was made to be on reality television, in this episode alone she sprayed the RV with sage flavored aerosol spray because she was afraid the RV would blow up if she lit a flame and then had a dramatic anxiety attack about driving in rain, just watching her do nothing is entertaining.

The thought of sitting in an RV for hours on end with four small children is my idea of hell on wheels, literally, so the fact that Kim and her red solo cup managed to do it is a testament to how much wine that girl can drink. That's not shade, it's admiration because I would be drunk the entire time too. Brielle and Ariana also decided to use this road trip to look for dick which is the only way to spend a family vacation when you're a horny teenager or young adult. Can you imagine if Brielle meets some strapping cowboy on a dude ranch in Missouri or wherever the fuck cowboys live? At least she won't have to suck dick for John Legend tickets anymore. Too soon?

I also love how the producers don't give a fuck about anything on this show. They'll hire a truck to trail the RV purely for the family's excessive amount of clothing or they'll throw the chef into a confessional with any of the children. Chef Tracey is an icon in her own right and although I've only watched this show on and off for the last few years, I'm so happy she finally has a son of her own. Tracey is literally a ball of love, affection, fun and butter so she would be the perfect parent. Speaking of children, Kim's three redheaded boys all look exactly the same and although I know they're all probably under eight I could've sworn they were 35. I don't know if it's Kroy's football genes or whatever the fuck Tracey is feeding them but those kids could start playing varsity rugby and nobody would ask any questions.

Obviously, we all know both Kim and Kroy don't speak to their parents, however, it's always so fascinating when they touch on this subject. When visiting Kim's Aunt Laurie she learned that her dad was diagnosed with cancer and nobody had ever told them. It's sad to see a family be so disconnected and in Kim's heart of hearts you can see she really misses her parents. However, they've never apologised for being messy towards her in the media and if they haven't even tried to reach out to their daughter or grandchildren, then why should Kim initiate a relationship with them? That being said, cancer is fucking horrible and when someone is diagnosed with a potentially life threatening disease, it's a wakeup call. I hope she reconnects with her parents on some level, but we all know that sadly won't happen.

Thankfully this isn't one of those shows where you actually have to concentrate on what's happening, which is such a relief after recapping a dramatic Housewives episode. Throughout the two part premiere, Brielle said a bunch of dumb shit, Kim gambled $400 away, the family met a weird Matthew McConaughey lookalike who was definitely on meth and Chef Tracey ate a bacon and cheese flavored cricket. Don't Be Tardy is a fun way to spend an hour, it's funny, it's light and you don't have to know or care about any of the background information. Watching Kim feels so natural and almost like you're catching up with a friend because at the end of the day, no matter how problematic she may be, we've known this girl through the TV for over a decade and that amounts to something.

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