Southern Charm Recap: Shut The Fuck Up


Although Austen and Madison are no longer together (thank fucking god) their relationship is still more exhausting than Kathryn's need to run away from any and all conflict in her life. Is it weird to uninvite someone to a party you were originally throwing for them? Yes. But does it make sense not to give your clingy ex-boyfriend false hope by continuing to be around him? Absofuckinglutely.


When Austen first stepped onto the scene he was a younger, career-driven and motivated version of Shep, however, the longer he's stayed on the show the more of an absolute sack of shit he has become. Austen has no work ethic, he drinks all day, sleeps until noon and there is nothing attractive about a man who doesn't work. Austen and his Cabbage Patch Kid face are the human embodiment of a couch potato and I'm surprised it took a global pandemic for Madison to finally realize that.


Not only is Austen lazy, but he's also a massive dick. Austen should win the award for Gaslighter of the Year because every interaction he has with Madison consists purely of him trying to manipulate her into thinking she's the bad guy. Austen, your ex-girlfriend did not want you to come to her party because you are still in love with her and she doesn't want to lead you on. Instead of taking this information in like a grown man, Mr. Cabbage Patch Kid threw a tantrum and said he wasn't going to come, only to turn up announced and complain there was no place set for him.


Along with having an insane victim mentality, Austen can also never take accountability for any of his actions, whether it's (allegedly) having a threesome with two girls while Madison walked in or realizing that not place would be set for him at the table if he said he wasn't coming. This man child is so fucking draining and Madison must have more than a few screws loose if she chose to put up with him for as long as she did. Madison also loved to play manipulative mind games on Austen and never shied away from a good screaming match with him, so she's not exactly in the clear either.


The most surprising part of this entire episode was that Madison enlisted the help of a party planner to help put together what was originally supposed to be Austen's birthday party. Who the fuck would hire someone to help plan a party for Austen? All this geriatric frat boy needs is a keg of beer, a trucker hat, maybe some onion rings and then he's good to go. If I had just got broken up with, I would not want to see that person for at least three months, but in Austen's warped mind he still thinks he can win Madison back. For the sake of them both, I hope Madison marries some rich Texan oil tycoon to secure her bag and so Austen can finally move the fuck on. And no, pretending to date Kristin Cavallari on Instagram is not the answer.


I don't know how Madison thought her party was going to turn out but everyone basically spent the whole day screaming at each other on a beach. Normally, seeing these people fight for an entire day would be entertaining but not when it consists of Austen acting like a stubborn five-year-old and Kathryn running away from all her problems. Austen claiming he couldn't sit in the sun was his transparent approach to weasel his way to sit next to Madison. Put on some SPF and call it a day bro because your tactics are way too easy to see through.


After Austen acted weird, possessive, clingy, and reactive, somehow all at the same time, Craig took him for a walk in their matching Single White Female outfits. He explained he is so over his relationship with Madison to the point where he doesn't want to be around the group. Was that Craig's covert way of saying this clusterfuck of a relationship makes him want to leave the show or was he just trying to hammer home the fact that Austen needs to stay the fuck away from Madison? Austen finally started to understand what Craig was saying and apologized for all the trouble his relationship has caused him, however, it didn't stop him from acting any less weird, case in point, the boat ride back to Charleston.


Before we dive into Shut The Fuck Up Gate, we have to talk about Kathryn Dennis. The resident redhead is still reeling from her recent scandal where she sent a black woman a monkey emoji. Listen, in 2020 everyone should know about the historically racist thread between black people and monkeys. It's disgusting, it's blatantly racist and nobody can claim they don't know that it's wrong. That being said, I really do believe that Kathryn had no idea the woman was black and just sent the monkey emoji out of her own stupidity. However, instead of claiming she didn't do it on purpose, Kathryn needs to take responsibility, acknowledge that she knows why it's wrong and apologize for her actions, three things she's apparently incapable of doing. Maybe her new black boyfriend can help her out.


I've always had a soft spot for Kathryn, especially during her abusive, clusterfuck of a relationship with T-Rape, however, she makes it so hard to defend her when she won't own her behavior or even have a conversation with the people that she's hurt. Danni was upset because Kathryn reached out to Leva instead of her and new "friend of the show" Madison Simon wants an apology from Kathryn after her family business and Southern Charm hotspot, Gwynn's, got inundated with messages online telling them to fire Kathryn for her recent scandal.


Instead of sitting down with the two and simply apologizing for her behavior, Kathryn avoided them at all costs and said everything except "I'm sorry." Kathryn treating Danni like shit isn't a new occurrence. Danni gets a sudden jolt of confidence almost every season to stand up to Kathryn's narcissistic ways, yet always finds her way back inside her asshole. Kathryn's also not entirely to blame, instead of having a simple conversation, Danni ran up and down the beach crying and screaming from all the anxiety she had from this situation. Danni lives her life as a ball of anxiety and it's more uncomfortable to watch than Pringle trying to fuck Madison.


In the midst of this beach madness, Craig stepped in to do what he does best, stir the pot. Yes, he may have looked like a dick for telling Danni she was being irrational, but she was. Anyone who screams (and then cries) at someone for simply bringing up their issue with another person is not emotionally stable and I just wanted someone to throw Danni a Valium on the beach to calm her the fuck down. In the end, Danni took 83 minutes to spit out how she feels about Kathryn and the redheaded vixen didn't really take any accountability. The conversation went nowhere and absolutely nothing was resolved.


While on the boat back to Charleston, Gwynn's heiress, Madison Simon decided to talk to Kathryn about their issues, in which Kathryn did what she always does, ran the fuck away. Again nothing was resolved and instead of apologizing for what Madison's family went through due to her monkey scandal, Kathryn didn't say anything of value. If the conversation had actually progressed, maybe Madison could've apologized to Kathryn for firing her on social media and not personally letting her know she was no longer employed, but Kat didn't let it get to that point.


Once Kathryn ran away from her second altercation of the day, Leva went over to try to speak to her in a rational, calm way, which is what she does best. Leva is a fucking queen. As one of the only people of color on the show, Leva attempts to have the hard conversations about racism with Kathryn, without being argumentative, aggressive, or reactive. She explains everything diplomatically and lets Kathryn know she is wrong without allowing her to play the victim. At the end of the day, Leva knows if she wants real change amongst the group she has to conduct peaceful, stern conversations with Kathryn.


However, before Leva could get a fucking word out, Austen stormed the conversation with his false sense of big dick energy and tried to defend Kathryn's honor. First of all Austen, this has nothing to fucking do with you and second of all, just please shut the fuck up, which is exactly what Leva told him to do, three times to be precise. Everybody was so up in arms over Leva and her glass of wine telling Austen to STFU, but maybe if he did she wouldn't have had to say it three times.


In Kathryn's defense, Leva, Madison Simon, Danni, and their friend Venita have spent the last few weeks shit-talking Kat every time they are together, so of course, she's going to feel awkward and uncomfortable around them when she knows she's done something offensive to most of them in one way or another. However, that was Kathryn's story to tell, not Cabbage Patch Kid Austen's. By the end of the episode, Leva, Austen, and Madison were all screaming at each other to SHUT THE FUCK UP and at that point I just wanted everyone to SHUT THE FUCK UP so I could make some bacon, put on an eye mask, and watch a vintage Vanderpump Rules marathon.

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