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RHOA Reunion Recap: Frenemy Contract

This season may have sucked more than a whore on spring break, however, if there's one thing these Atlanta Housewives know how to do, it's turn out a great reunion. The reunion is when these ladies come to play and although I missed the first two parts of this reunion when I was taking my two-week sabbatical, it doesn't mean I wasn't watching and judging as hard as I would if I had to write a shady recap after it.

The second half of this season and the reunion SAVED this season, mainly due to the cast finally crawling out of NeNe's asshole and being realistic for the first time since she rejoined the cast. NeNe Leakes fucking sucks. Yes, she's the OG but she's also holding this whole franchise back, it's a catch 22. NeNe is at her best when she's feuding with someone because without an aggravated Linnethia this show isn't the same, however, now we are at the point where the aggravation has gone too far and she's reclined to a place of insincere apologies and her usual bullshit where she says she's good when she's visibly the opposite. She's not the fun NeNe we know and love anymore and even her anger is too aggressive to enjoy.

The thing with NeNe is that she has a right to be mad. Not only is she mad at the world for her husband having cancer but Cynthia admitting to knowing Kenya was attending her event was shitty. I'm #Team51Cynt all day, however, after seeing the footage we can all understand why NeNe is feeling the way she is. We get it. However, when your best friend, actually strike that, when your sister of nine years apologises for the one bad thing she's done during your entire relationship, don't you forgive her? NeNe's entire attitude is more negative than a male taking a pregnancy test and I don't even care enough about her friendships to see everyone crawl back up her ass next season in order to repair them. Can't she leave again and come back in three seasons because we all know the show worked better without her.

I'm more confused than anything. So NeNe is good with everyone but she sat through the entire reunion like she sitting on a dart, only apologised like it was a coerced confession and couldn't give less of a fuck about any of her costars. Obviously she's in a lot of pain from Gregg's cancer and she's taking out the stresses of her marriage out on anyone in eyeshot but I don't care to watch this and as much as NeNe vs Everyone Else is the icing on top of this shit pie of a season we've seen NeNe be pushed into a corner before and it only results in her taking her wig and walking the fuck out. So far the only people on NeNe's side are Marlo and Shamari, but Mrs DeVoe said two words for the whole reunion and would be lucky if she even comes back as a friend next season.

Cynthia and NeNe's friendship is fucked, it only works if 51 bends over and lets NeNe plough her like a workhorse and the minute Miss Bailey develops any kind of backbone, NeNe gets her loud voice out and starts acting like a 12-year-old. She had more support than ANYONE this season, yet cuts everyone off at the drop of a hat. I really don't think Cynthia knew Kenya was coming but even if she did, why would she tell NeNe? If she invited her but knew she wasn't coming, what's the point? And if NeNe keeps saying she doesn't even have a beef with Kenya then why can she walk around like someone's holding shit under her nose? We all know their friendship will ultimately be mended but only if it's on NeNe's terms. Can we praise Kenya for bringing the only watchable drama to the table by only making a five-minute appearance? The streets are saying Twirl will be back and let's hope for the sake of this show and her bank account that the street gossip checks out.

Should we care about BeltGate? Yes, NeNe had a right to be mad about those girls running around in her closet but they were joking and even if she didn't want them in there, why did she need to rip the cameraman's shirt and choke a producer? And why the fuck didn't we get the footage? We all know there's footage of NeNe's pulling a Homer Simpson and grabbing that poor guy by the neck, so why can't we see it and how does she still have a job? Porsha dragged Kenya across the floor and got demoted but NeNe can send a PRODUCER to the emergency room and keep her peach? What kind of precedent is this setting across all Bravo reality shows? That they can choke the staff and go about cashing million dollar checks? I'd understand if she went on some kind of apology tour but Linnethia didn't even acknowledge the incident let alone pretend to feel bad about it.

Apart from NeNe becoming the Kim Zolciak of Season 11 (side note: after drunk watching a few Don't Be Tardy episodes at 3 am, I'm actually starting to miss Wig) the ladies decided to talk about Eva's financial hardships which I really can't find one fuck to care about. Whether Eva moved because of her baby daddy or because of her low income, it doesn't really matter but here's my Good Tea theory. The first house looked more empty than Shamari's brain during the third hour of this reunion and was definitely just used to film in, it probably belonged to the bridesmaid because as soon as she started spilling the tea, Eva concocted a bullshit story and immediately found a new place to film and live. So she filmed in a fake location and when the jig was up she took the cameras to her VERY lived in condo but tried to pass it off as a new place.

No one is buying the baby daddy stalking situation and even though he sounds like a totally abusive cunt from what she's been telling the press lately, I think her bank account is more to blame for this sketchy situation than her so-called sperm donor. Nothing Eva says ever seems to add up and there's always a long story that doesn't make sense but by the time she's finished telling it everyone has stopped listening. To be honest, I'm more interested in her married lesbian lover from LA than I am about her living situation. Marlo may be a messy gold digger with a thirst to finally claim her peach, however, that tea was served to her by three different sources and Eva isn't a good liar, I'd probably find her more interesting if she was a member of the Scissoring Sisterhood, so can we throw away this husband and get the married lesbian starting with C to fly to Atlanta?

As for NeNe's part in this situation, I also don't really care. Eva asked her to take her microphone off and she didn't, so she has a right to be mad and if NeNe can't see that then she's obviously thicker than Phaedra's donkey booty. Also, if NeNe was the good friend that she claims to be, wouldn't she have called Eva as soon as she found out the information and give her a phone call instead of waiting to tell her at a filmed event. That's the difference between a real friend and a reality TV friend and I understand there's a fourth wall we can't break but that's exactly the relationship these two had during this season.

I'm so glad this season is over and we can only pray season 12 is the redemption this franchise deserves. Even after all the shit I've talked about NeNe, we all know Bravo is going to bring her back because without her choking producers and passive-aggressively feuding her costars we don't have a lot to work with, so for next season we need NeNe, Kandi, Cynthia, Porsha, Tanya and Kenya to hold peaches, with Eva and Marlo as friends as well as a few guest appearances from Phaedra and maybe Shamari can show up in the background but only if she's drunk and keeps her weak gag reflex in check.

Atlanta is done and thank fuck for that, however, we all have Porsha's pregnancy spinoff to keep us occupied for the next three weeks before Bravo brings the Potomac ladies back into the mix so let me know if you want me to recap Porsha's mess in the meantime.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches.