RHOA Premiere Recap: Too Much Porsha
I'm so happy the Atlanta Housewives are back. The winter is my favourite time of year on Bravo and there's always a light, fun energy when the ATL women are on the air. Everybody in this existing cast is naturally funny, even Cynthia, and although I don't have high hopes for this season in the drama department (RIP Kenya) this group are entertaining on their own and never fail to make me laugh in my living room every week. If I'm too busy laughing I won't notice the lack of weave pulling. This episode didn't feel like the traditional premiere episode. Normally there's a party and some shade throwing in the confessionals, but nothing really happened besides Porsha shaking her ass in spandex.
Before I begin, I would like to have a moment of silence for the late Kenya Moore. Her pregnancy bookended the offseason, she announced she was expecting at the season ten reunion and had her baby on the day of the premiere. Can you imagine how magical and entertaining it would've been to see Miss Twirl and her mystery man this season? I miss Kenya already. The show feels empty without her shady presence and in the seasons NeNe was off she really was the glue who kept this group together, however, I'm happy that she knows her worth and didn't accept Bravo's shitty contract offer. Let's just hope she's back next season because Atlanta needs the messy bitch.
We began with Porsha engagement ring shopping. We only heard a whisper of this guy at the reunion and now she's ready to get married? Either I'm missing a piece of the puzzle or Porsha has been sniffing glue in the back with her assistant. I'm happy that Porsha and her nose ring are happy and it appears Bravo are REALLY trying to make her the fan favourite of the show. Porsha is carrying this season but her back must be breaking in the process because this episode wasn't good. Out of all the Housewives this show has seen, how did Cynthia and Porsha out last Phaedra and Kenya? What the actual fuck? This episode was very TMP. Too Much Porsha.
I understand she's newly in love and has more energy than the energiser bunny but I don't know how I'm going to make it through this season if Porsha is at the helm. I like Porsha but as a B-character. She's better as a Kelly, not a Beyonce. It doesn't feel right to have Porsha on my screen this much and it's definitely showing that the producers having nothing else to show. We also got the taglines in the middle of the episode which was more out of place than NeNe's bun moment last season. What the fuck is up with Bravo lately?
Her new guy Dennis is sketchy. He makes his money through hot dogs and has big black Urkel glasses. There's something strange with this guy and even the producers want us to proceed with caution. Word on the street is he's a drug dealer in Detriot but you didn't hear it from me. For a guy that's dating Porsha Williams, he seems a little nerdy. I can't decide if he's a nerdy businessman or a thug in the streets but his mumbling voice is not doing it for me. Speak up or get out. Obviously, Porsha likes him enough to get engaged and have his baby but there's definitely something that isn't kosher in the Atlanta waters he's been swimming in.
Speaking of swimming, Cynthia has had a new visitor in her Lake Bailey. 51 Cynt has a new man who she met on the Steve Harvey show. Wasn't her last light skin boyfriend Will on the Steve Harvey show? Why doesn't she just date the moustache man himself and call it a day? We only met the new guy through FaceTime and I like him. He's got a deep voice, he's successful and he doesn't seem too thirsty for the limelight like 51 Cynt's former men. The difference between Mike and Will from last season is that this relationship is real, he wasn't cast to play her boyfriend from a TV show. Mike's been getting wet in the Lake Bailey waters and 51 Cynt seems genuinely happy and she really does deserve it. My only hang up is that he doesn't have a darker hue because we know Cynthia loves a DARK man but maybe Mike changed her tune?
I have no idea how Cynthia has lasted NINE seasons due to her minimal personality but I like her. I can't explain it but I like 51 Cynt, even if she doesn't really do anything. For the last few seasons, we've seen both 51 Cynt and Porsha go through several made-for-TV men, so I'm happy they are finally in loving, real relationships.
NeNe and Gregg are dealing with his cancer struggle and it's fucking sad. I can't even think of another word besides sad. Things are very sombre over at Casa Leakes. Seeing them argue about how much of his colon the doctors cut off was rough and I felt their pain in this scene. It was deep, dark and I just wanted to reach through the screen and hug them both. Cancer is tough and Gregg has lost a lot of weight from the battle. Gregg has always been the Bobby Zarin of Atlanta. He's wise, honest and a genuinely nice person married to an over the top diva who he manages to talks peace into. I love Gregg and I sincerely hope the entire Leakes family make it through this struggle. As tough as the scene was for them, I hope it helps so many people going through the same thing.
Kandi spent the episode over in LA because Xscape was receiving an award. Is Xscape still a thing? I thought she quit? I always love seeing Tiny on my screens and she definitely needs to be a Housewife, she'd give us more than the new girl Shamari, and Tiny needs a job because her own show got cancelled. Kandi's main struggle is that she wants to have another child. Why? Kandi is one of my favourite Housewives but we heard her complain all last season about having no time to see her kids due to her crazy work schedule, so why does she want to potentially add more kids into the mix? Let them sit in the petri dish and call it a day. As annoying as this storyline was, I'm LOVING her daughter Riley. She has new hair, new nails, a new weight and a new attitude. Riley shaded her own mother at the dinner table and even used one of NeNe Leakes' catchphrases against her. It was a moment and I'm proud of Riley for finally coming into her own.
We also had to suffer through an Eva scene. I like Eva. I think. Last season she was a breath of fresh hair with her quick-talking ways and model past but she was good in the background, she didn't need to be handed a peach. Was that really necessary? And if she was going to take anyone's peach, did it need to be Kenya's? I know it's not fair but I'm mad at Eva for replacing Queen Kenya and until she delivers something more than complaining about her wedding, she's on my shit list. I'm already sick of hearing about this fucking wedding. Make it stop. I don't care about seeing her freak out about the flowers or stress because her dress doesn't fit. I don't give a fuck and Eva The Diva is lucky I didn't fast forward through the scene.
Is her man the mayor of Atlanta or what? When do we find that out? And she also shaded 51 Cynt's modelling by saying their techniques are 20 years apart. Um. I'm not okay. I'm protective over Cynthia and she may be stuck in the 90s with her modelling but I don't want to hear fucking Eva shade her over it. Hopefully, Eva is messy as fuck this season because her monotone voice is already pissing me off.
Due to Porsha's birthday and NeNe opening a store in Miami, Porsha decided to "organically" throw a group trip with the entire cast to come together and support NeNe during her rough time. This vacation excuse makes sense because it gives them an actual reason to travel there instead of the bullshit reasons we've been seeing on the other cities lately. Of course, we didn't get to actually see the Miami trip so this episode was duller than a butter knife. The ladies ended the episode packing for the trip while Porsha and her shady boo flew down there.
In Miami, Dennis said he knew Kandi but couldn't think of how he knew her. The one thing we know about Dennis from this ten minutes is that he's not a good liar. Did he fuck Kandi? Was he involved in her dungeon fun? What was it? And why the fuck is he lying? He pulled out the excuse of knowing her through eating at OLG but not even Porsha and her 265 days brain bought that dumb lie. Why would he bring up knowing Kandi and lie about it when his girlfriend is on a reality show with her? This is a fucking mess. From the sneak peek next week Kandi obviously has some tea on this punk and I'm ready for her to end him before he even happens.
The producers ended the episode of Porsha and Dennis having a romantic dinner in their Miami apartment where he may or may not have popped the question. The box is WAY too big for an engagement ring but I guess the producers need to give us one reason to watch next week because this episode was rough.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches.