RHONJ Recap: Monkey Business
Let's all rejoice at the fact that Teresa Giudice can get drunk and eat food with flavour once more. I am so over this fucking fitness competition. I was never down to see the resident table flipper turn into an aggressively bronzed bodybuilder who is fuelled by leathery chicken and steamed broccoli but hearing her complain all season about being sober and eating her takeaway food was rough. It takes a lot of strength and determination to become a bodybuilder, blah blah blah, but it's not a storyline I was here for.
Teresa becoming a late in life lesbian, turning on Danielle or having sex with Frank Jr and/or Frank Sr are way more appealing storylines than lifting weights and bordering on blackface. In all seriousness, I'm sure bodybuilding helped Teresa channel the stress of having an incarcerated husband and doing something on her own which is so physically demanding would've felt like a huge accomplishment, so Mazel to Tre, but I still don't give a fuck. And can we stop talking about Joe? Teresa trying to keep up appearances by talking about her husband is tiresome and nobody cares if he condones her bodybuilding career or not.
Most of the episode was occupied with Teresa preparing for her competition and weird filler scenes before the trip to Cabo.
After Melissa's long lost sister storyline went silent for the last few episodes, she finally decided to tell her "mommy" about her possible bastard sister. If I hear Melissa or her sister's with their original noses say Mommy or Daddy one more time I'm going to poke my eye out with a fork and feed it to my cat. You're pushing fifty and still calling your parents the same name you did when you were a toddler? Give me a fucking break. Also, when did Melissa's father become a cheating asshole? I know we shouldn't speak ill of the dead, rest in peace, but for the last decade we've known Melissa's she's always spoken glowingly of her dad and now they decide to throw in the fact he was fucking around all over Jersey? Couldn't she have led with that?
In preparation for the big reveal dinner, Melissa's sisters and their original noses decided to get their "Mommy" drunk and all came to dinner giggling like middle schoolers. Now we know where Drunk Melissa comes from. After stressing and deliberating over how to tell her mother, the liquor proved to help the situation because Mommy didn't give a fuck, or at least was playing cool until the cameras went down. She was fine for Melissa to search for her sister and for the sake of this storyline I hope we find her bastard sibling, however, she based this entire storyline on a psychic reading and some random girl crying at her dad's funeral. If she had a long lost sister wouldn't she have come forward by now? I don't think she exists but Melissa's reality TV career is riding on finding this bitch.
Margaret's housekeeper Marleny is the unsung hero of this franchise. Seeing her twirl around in the background of every scene is a blessing and far more interesting than most of the bitches contracted to this show. Marleny my spirit animal in so many ways and she desperately needs a spinoff or at the very least, let's just strap a go pro to the background character and upload it to Instagram. Marleny almost makes me forget about sex-crazed Marge Sr, I know she got a facelift this season but where has she been hiding? She better hurry over to Margaret's Manor if she wants more screentime than the help. The Marge is essentially squatting at this point because nothing has been done to her home, even though she lives with a licensed contractor. Their inability to renovate was cute at first but now it just looks like they have zero money in the bank. Marge wants to force her stepson and her ex-husband Jan to come back together, however, it's not going to happen, especially on reality TV.
With all those inbetween scenes out of the way, the ladies were off to Cabo. Going on a trip mid-episode always feels odd, however, they somehow made it work by everyone collectively forming an alliance against the morally corrupt, malicious and attention seeking Danielle Staub. We've discussed this many times. The resident Prostitution Whore is a horrible human being, she got a table thrown on her for this reason, however, her despicable personality and need for camera time makes her great TV. Danielle isn't funny, relatable or even likeable, she's dangerous and will definitely commit murder if she hasn't already but her unstable attitude is the reason she's still around. So far she managed to piss off Margaret, Jackie, Dolores and Melissa to an extent which leaves her friends with Teresa and Jennifer, the most mentally absent of the group.
Can we stop pretending Danielle and Teresa's friendship is real? They were mortal enemies for a decade, Danielle was still tweeting disgusting things about her two years ago and then suddenly became her yoga buddy when it was her only route to get back on the show and then blamed their entire beef on Jacqueline and Caroline. On second thought, this really is an alliance made in heaven because they are both compulsive liars, professional victims and fail to ever admit when they're wrong. Teresa is literally the only thread tying this woman to the cast and for what? What does she have on the table flipper because Tre is definitely not smart enough to keep her around because she knows she's good TV. Marty isn't the only one pussy whipped by the twenty-time fiancee...
After everyone went to their rooms and Danielle choked down a shot like she'd never consumed alcohol before, the ladies came together for their first dinner in Cabo. Before we dive into all the monkey business, why are we in Cabo? Mexico is a cheap travel option they take in the second seasons of reality shows to give everyone an exotic vibe on a cheap budget, however, I guess shows on their last legs that also had to fund a monster's wedding get cheap Mexico trips. The ladies gifted Teresa a necklace with STRONG engraved across it in bedazzled letters for her fitness competition. It looked cheap, tacky but very Jersey. Before anyone could finish their meal or even get a responsible buzz, lightweight Jennifer started complaining about how the ladies should've gotten the necklace from her brother's jeweller.
Kill me now. Jacqueline Laurita 2.0 is a monster with bad manners, a tacky Chanel addiction and an obvious goal to get some camera time on this show but she is an amazing Housewife. Love them or hate them, Jennifer and Jackie have been polarising addictions to the franchise because they didn’t just sit in the corner and play nice like the dozens of other newbies we’ve seen in recent years. If you aren’t going to come in like a wrecking ball and make people hate you then don’t sign a Bravo contract. Her wanting them to see her brother were completely the ramblings of a drunk woman. She just wanted her brother's business to have a five-second appearance on the show but why are the ladies going to schlep all the way to Long Island just to give her brother screentime?
And why would she decide to put in on a $2000 present if she thought it was for costume jewellery? Jennifer's an idiot but an idiot who makes great TV. She made Teresa's gift all about her and calling the necklace ugly in front of the recipient three seconds after she opened it is tackier than her overload of Chanel. After she called the gift ugly, Margaret accused her lip liner of looking like a monkey's asshole and apparently the only appropriate response in Jennifer's Turkish brain was to shout across a crowded restaurant "A MONKEY'S ASSHOLE THAT YOU FUCKING SUCK." She just earned herself another season. Making a situation which has literally nothing at all to do with you, all about you and screaming in public are traits of an excellent Housewife, even if she looks like an asshole in the process.
Did Margaret and Jennifer have a makeout session we don't know about or is The Marge secretly into beasteality because nothing aside from tequila explains Jennifer screaming about her rimming a monkey. After the blowout, Danielle quickly seized the moment to escort Jennifer and her monkey's asshole of a mouth away to bitch about Margaret and plant seeds in the newbie's head. Danielle is working overtime to slowly but surely cause a mutiny towards Margaret by painting her out to be some evil Disney villain, which is hilarious when she's the one who looks like Jafar on crack. Somehow Teresa is on Danielle's side and recycled her old "loyalty" bullshit as an excuse as to why Margaret should be Danielle's friend. Everybody concluded Teresa is a bad judge of character, however, in all fairness she doesn't know what character is so how is she supposed to judge it?
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.