Shade of the Week: The Giudices

I no longer give a fuck about this Giudice storyline.

When Teresa Giudice first burst onto our screens back in 2009 she was the funny sidekick with curly hair and non-existent bubbies, but following her iconic table flip, she accidentally became the star of the show. For the first two seasons The Real Housewives of New Jersey was still mainly an ensemble show, but after the Giudice's legal drama was splashed across the tabloids and the producers blindsided her by bringing her family, whom she hated, onto the show, the New Jersey franchise was instantly transformed into The Teresa Show.

In each city, there's a Queen Bee and unfortunately, the producers gave that role to the cast member with a fourth-grade reading level. Teresa isn't smart and her feud with her family was built off her inability to understand basic conversations and her jealously that they stole her spotlight. Caroline Manzo and Margaret Josephs are the only two Housewives who have managed to slightly tilt Teresa's crown with their big dick energy and that's because they have one thing Teresa Giudice doesn't: a brain. I'd much rather have a show focused around all the other Jersey girl's lives, however, the producers constantly scalp the show around the table flipper because of the juicy headlines that she's constantly wrapped up in, but enough is enough.

Teresa was the first Housewife to get locked up, which is iconic in itself, however, in reality, a prison storyline is just sad, stale and depressing. Since season six we've seen Teresa and her daughters cry about her going to prison, then we saw them cry over their father going to prison, and now we're seeing them (surprise, surprise) cry over Juicy Joe potentially being deported to Italy. Yes, having parents go to prison and also being shipped out of the country is juicy in theory, but in practice, we're just watching a bunch of sad teenage girls cry about their lives and talk to their dad over the phone. That's it, that's the storyline. But the producers continue to push this down our throat harder than Ray J slammed Kim Kardashian's 2007 pussy.

Aside from the fact this storyline is more boring than beige paint, it's also cruel to the daughters. These four young girls don't need a camera in their faces when they're discussing their parent's legal drama. They don't need that and we don't want that. It would be hard enough having a parent on reality TV when you're going through the awkward teen years, let alone when you're dealing with something as heavy as this. Teresa has exploited her kids more than Kris Jenner, through all those magazines spreads she did back in the day to continuously having cameras rolling in her house. As much as she needs to take her daughters and get the fuck off reality TV, her ego and her bank account obviously won't allow that to happen. Teresa's only source of income is her Bravo paycheque, so financially she can't leave the show, but even if she had Vanderpump sized money, there's no way Teresa's ego would allow her to walk away from the fame and attention this show brings.

Joe and Teresa are only married on paper. There's no love left and she's only paying to fight his appeal because of their daughters. Period. End of story. Any wife who loved their husband would be in Italy waiting for her husband's plane to land, but the one and only reason Teresa made the pilgrimage back to her homeland wasn't to see her husband, it was so she could cash a Bravo sized cheque. Even though Bravo will throw in her Italian trip at the end of the season, I don't care to see that either. It's just going to be the girl's reuniting with their father while Teresa stands on the sidelines and smiles for the camera. Also did Gucci sponsor the trip, because those girls had more labels than Marlo Hampton after she's done meeting with one of her clients. There's about as much chance of Teresa and Joe having sex in Italy as there is of Jennifer Aydin never doing Botox again. It's just not going to happen. Teresa resents him with every bone in her body, so she's not going to let Joe put his bone back into her body, no matter how many skinny jeans he wears.

While we're on the topic of Joe and his one-eyed snake, let's talk about the cheating scandals. Even Stevie Wonder can see these two BOTH cheated on each other, however, I'm not mad at Teresa for it. Juicy Joe was cheating on his wife before the show even started and she performed the role of the Italian wife who turns a blind eye because she knows she can't ever get a divorce. Divorce is literally gibberish in Italian culture because no matter how much of an asshole your husband is, you stay until the end. There's been cheating allegations since the show started and Joe calling his wife a cunt while on the phone to his side piece in the vineyard gave us all the evidence we needed. Joe has never been faithful, but Teresa lied through her teeth reunion after reunion, even when Jacqueline Laurita brought up Joe fucking his kid's baby sister and Tre walking in on him plowing a girl in his office.

Say what you want about Jacqueline, but she was Teresa's ride or die long before Bravo cameras turned up. She was the girl Tre confided in and I believe everything she's ever said about the table flipper. Teresa knows Joe has cheated on her from day dot, so as soon as she went to prison for his crimes and lost time with her mother, she created a "FUCK JOE" mentality. I don't blame her for fucking a 26-year-old boy toy. At all. They've both cheated, they've both destroyed their marriage and I'm really not in the mood to see Teresa throw glasses and lie about her cheating scandal for the entire season. Her husband was in prison and they're basically only married on paper, who gives a fuck if she was getting dicked down by a hot boy toy with a backpack in Miami?

I'm over Teresa Giudice and I'm over this storyline. I can't be bothered seeing a woman with the IQ of a pen fighting with people on reality TV. It would be one thing if she had zingy one-liners and the intelligence to actually insult someone on an intellectual level, but instead, she gets caught in a lie and throws glasses to make a scene and deflect from the situation. It's fucking exhausting and the entire franchise would be better off if Teresa, her two-head and her depressing storyline weren't weighing the show down, but we all know that's never going to happen.