We Need To Talk About Teresa Giudice's House


PHOTO: LUXQUE MEDIA/THE MICHELLE PAIS GROUP

After more than a decade of living in the marble monstrosity that she called home, Teresa Giudice is finally selling her gargantuan New Jersey mansion for $2.5 million and obviously, we have to talk about it. Let me just preface this by stating that I could obviously never afford this house, but I'm still going to do what I do best - talk shit.

First of all, we have to acknowledge that this home was built with the money her then-husband Juicy Joe illegally acquired. I don’t know anything about finance or taxes, however, I do know that they were lying about both and used the money to fund this repugnant compound. You would think if you stole millions from the government that you’d at least make the house symmetrical.

This home is essentially the Italian answer to Dynasty. It looks like a sprawling mansion you would find in the Italian countryside but in the suburbs of New Jersey and with a balcony over the garage. Teresa's home literally looks like something I could've built on Sims because it was made with cheat money, doesn't make any sense, and clearly isn't up to code.

PHOTO: LUXQUE MEDIA/THE MICHELLE PAIS GROUP

From the moment you walk in, the house is off-center. The chandelier in the foyer is off to the left, rather than in the middle, and Teresa trying to keep up with the Kardashians by painting this enormous room white only intensifies how ugly it is. Seriously, if anyone ever buys this house I will be more shocked than Marge when Danielle yanked her by the ponytail. This home was custom made for the Giudices and I think the target market for this home is smaller than Joe Gorga's sperm count.

This house has always seemed too big to raise a family in and it makes my butthole shiver in fear just thinking about walking across the freezing marble floors to go and pee in the middle of the night. It's long overdue for Teresa and her daughters to move out of this colossally obnoxious house. However, I couldn't imagine New Jersey's resident table flipper living anywhere else, this house is completely void of any personality, logic, and warmth - kind of like it's owner.

PHOTO: LUXQUE MEDIA/THE MICHELLE PAIS GROUP

The "great room" is just another aspect of this house that looks empty, sad, and bleak. I hate most of the houses we see on the New Jersey Housewives because they're so big you could never, ever be able to fill the rooms which just gives the entire home an eery, hollow feeling that no amount of marble or steel can overcompensate for.

No wonder Teresa wants to sell this place because it's a physical representation of her marriage with Juicy Joe: empty, confusing, and traditionally Italian. This is way too much house for one single woman to take care of by herself and the thought of how much money she spends on land taxes for this property gives me major anxiety.

Selling this house will definitely be Teresa's storyline on the next season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey and probably many more after that because I don't see why or how anybody with half a brain would want to live in this disastrous property unless they pulled it down completely and built an entirely new house. But if you were going to do that you may as well just buy a vacant block of land instead of ripping down this tragic home.

PHOTO: LUXQUE MEDIA/THE MICHELLE PAIS GROUP

I can't believe Tre is selling this place right after she got a new pool, but I guess that investment will do great for her resale value. Actually, maybe she only got the pool to sell the house for a higher price? Huh, maybe she is smarter than we think... or just got the advice from her skeezy lawyer who's always lurking in the background.

The more I look at photos of this house, the more I realize it's an extension of who Teresa Giudice is as a human being. Even though she attempted to paint the walls white and bring in some modern future to showcase the new person she has become, the traditional, hollow structure of the house can't be changed which is the perfect way to describe Teresa. Even though she's evolved and changed after going to jail, getting a divorce, and losing both her parents, she can't escape her past no matter how many copycat Kardashian furnishing she tries to cover it with.

PHOTO: LUXQUE MEDIA/THE MICHELLE PAIS GROUP

Her bedroom is so huge that it looks like she's squatting in there because she can't possibly fill that room. It's just not possible. At the end of the day, the house is uglier than Joe Giudice's left butt cheek and I'll be surprised if anyone is willing to live in a house that looks like a low budget mafia film set.

There's no fucking way this house is going to sell and I think Melissa Gorga would sooner go back to her original nose before someone will pay $2.5 million for this hideous McMansion. Although I don't think it will happen, I really do hope something puts Tre out of her misery and buys this place because the moment she downsizes into a smaller place with her girls she's going to feel lighter than a feather.