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RHOC Recap: Balls Voyage

The Real Housewives of Orange County | Season 12, Episode 13

Just when the OC was getting started, the wheels started to slow down again. Lydia and Doug finally had their "Balls Voyage" party. I'm just happy it's over so Lydia can't pretend to make that her storyline anymore. Before the girls joined them, Lydia and Doug rode around on a small boat by themselves then jumped on the big boat. I don't see the point. Anyway before you got on the big boat you had to take off your shoes which I think is disgusting. Ew. The last thing you want at cocktail hour is to drop an appetiser on your bare feet, or have to look at someones gross bunions. Ugh.

The party was boring. I don't know how else I can put it. It seems like nobody actually likes each other and I feel most sorry for the house husbands. The girls are getting paid to hang out with each other and scream like idiots but the men just have to tag along and make awkward small talk with the other men in the situation. David attempted to try and talk to Diko about Peggy's confusing cancer story. I think David was just trying to get to know Diko, but I also don't think he gave a fuck about offending him either.

Everyone cheered to the physical departure of Doug's balls, because let's face it, mentally his balls went to Lydia years ago. Of course it wouldn't be an episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County without Peggy not being able to understand simple phrases. The ladies were talking about snip gifts and push presents and Peggy realised that she had three kids and never got a push present. Listen honey, you have 76 lamborghinis so I would calm down and count my blessings if I was you. Take several seats.

Lydia also accominaned Doug to say goodbye to his boys. Yes, Doug's balls are finally gone! You can breathe a sigh of relief that we don't have to hear about his genitals any longer.

Kelly and Vicki got colonics which is always want you want to see. Kelly went first and got all the shit sucked out of her. Vicki rocked up and dropped several bombs. She is running around with her medical records to prove that she was sick, which I think is smart when she's around these bitches. I think whenever an OC housewife or their husband becomes ill they must have the right documentation to prove that they are sick. Yep, this is where we have gotten to.

Vicki also spilled the tea that she never poos because it is gross. I can seriously imagine Vicki just avoiding going to the toilet at all costs. While the shit was getting sucked out of her ass, even more shit was coming out of her mouth when she was talking about how she thinks she might die because of all these issues going wrong. Pump the breaks Vicki!

Shannon Beador's mother is in town and she is the new love of my life. Mrs. Beador joined Shannon's family for the worst easter ever. First of all they were eating Mexican food which I don't understand and second of all David and Shannon fought about nothing the entire time. At this point they are just looking for things to fight about. They both aren't happy and I don't see anything changing anytime soon, if they aren't divorced by next season then they should't be back because it's hard to watch this failing marriage.

Peggy and Diko were also pissed at David for asking about the latest cancer scandal. Normally I tune out every time they are on the screen but I feel like this is going to be the new Panty Gate scandal. Ugh!

Vicki Gunvalson called Tamra again and they are finally having their meeting next episode. Thank god for Saint Steve! It's annoying that it took the two stars of the show fourteen episodes to sit down, but let's all say a prayer that season 13 makes up for this boring season.

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo.

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