Vanderpump Rules Recap: Witches of WeHo

It was kind of ironic that this episode started with the two year anniversary of Jax and Brittany's relationship only 5 days after the she found out that he may have impreganted her friend while in the same room as a 95-year-old lady. I just can't forget that she was IN THE SAME ROOM!

Brittany went on a spa date to recover with Stassi who knows exactly how Jax tries to con a girl back into his life. Kentucky also spilled the tea about her hate sex with her cheating boyfriend which disgusted Stassi to the core. While Stassi roasted her friend, Jax bragged to Sandoval and James about how horny this situation has made him. Now that's a sick fuck right there. Brittany should have NEVER opened her legs back up for him because now he just thinks he can treat her however he wants. Sandoval also didn't miss the chance to talk about his dry spell with Ariana and James was just happy to be included. Ugh. Men.

While is friends were embarrassing the male species, Tom Schwartz was trying to charm LVP into not taking away TomTom. She needs the storyline and the business, so I don't see her taking them off the restaurant but Lisa is the queen of prolonging a grudge. Tom rocked up with flowers and a balloon that he weirdly hid under the table. I don't know what happens in his brain sometimes. Later the Toms both established that if they have shit to talk about Lisa they will do it off camera.

This season we are caught up in a major cheating scandal, a possible gay affair and whatever Stassi's relationship is but the producers decided to show us Ariana riding a horse. I'm not following. She jumped off her horse Walter which made it kind of exciting. The SURver ended up winning her jumping contest while her boyfriend sat in the audience and ranted to her brother about their sexless relationship. Does this guy have a fucking clue? Sandoval was also annoyed because Ariana said she would dump him if he cheated on her. He said she couldn't possibly dump him just for having sex with another girl one time. Umm what the fuck? Where there's smoke...

James also brought his girlfriend Raquel in to volunteer at Vanderpump Dogs. This girl is seriously the dumbest human being to walk this earth. Even Karen from Mean Girls has more brain cells than her, at least her boobs could tell that it was gonna rain, when it was already raining. While Raquel cleaned up dog shit in her heels, James used the opportunity to annoy LVP about his upcoming DJ comeback. He's a DJ on a Tuesday, he needs to calm down.

My favourite part of the episode was the girls epic slumber party for Brittany. Even though the group is pretty divided right now, they came together to hate Jax. These bitches are strong together, so Jax better watch out. Kristen made Brittany's grandma's signature beer cheese dip which Brittany ate with a smile but shaded in her confessional. Now that's a TRUE southern woman. Katie also brought along her shot shooter which Kristen couldn't handle because she's not a swallower but oddly enough Katie's grandma is. Enough said.

The witches of WeHo also conjured up a powerful spell to put on Jax. Brittany wrote his name on a candle, wax was dripped and they used a lemon that is supposed to decompose and make Jax feel bad, but as long as Brittany's hate fucking him, he's gonna walk along as happy as a clam. Someone also went to the effort to make a Jax piñata which was one of the best things I've ever seen. Now I know what I want for Christmas. After their spell was cast they all started making out with each other, and it took me off guard but imagine if the Housewives did shit like that. Well Porsha and Kandi did and look how that turned out...

While the girls plotted Jax's slow demise, Tom Schwartz broke down the swift espionage team that would likely be Jax Taylor's undoing. The SWAT like team had, Kristen in the tech department, Stassi with the ability to read Jax's every move and Katie with the stamina and the tequila to get fucking answers. All of their positions were justified in the form of signature blue flashbacks. I wouldn't fuck with the Witches of WeHo.

Lala fucked with them and it caused her to leave the show and go running back to her sugar daddy, but tonight she returned to Sur in her Range Rover that blowjobs bought, to try and get back on the show. LVP could see that Lala is the perfect mix of drama, sex and beauty and couldn't let that slip through her perfectly manicured fingers, so she let her come back as a hostess to Sur.

Over at Stassi's gold accented apartment, Ariana spilled the tea that all the real SURvers who actually work at Sur and aren't on the show, have been talking about how Jax and Faith's hookup was more than a one time thing. Brittany called him up and confronted him but, SURPRISE, Jax denied it while all the girls stood in the background cringy and laughing. That was awkward as fuck. Then Jax got annoyed by Brittany's constant criticism and flipped the fuck out on his Kentucky muffin. After his explosive blow up, the girls rallied around Brittany and decided that they would sleep at Brittany's and not let Jax come home. Couldn't she of just stayed at Stassi's? Jax said that he wouldn't go home, but let's be real, it's Jax.

I think that Jax 100000% fucked Faith SEVERAL times, but I'm unsure if the 95-year-old lady was in the room for all those sessions. The boys also bought Jax a chasity cock ring, which is such an unnecessary fact but I had to share it.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

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