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RHOBH Recap: Coneheads

The ladies are all back from their luxurious Vegas weekend, but money bags Kyle has already taken off for the picturesque coastline of Croatia. It surprises me that she was allowed to travel their without the Bravo cameras and only has to endure a five minute FaceTime with Rinna to get her heavy check. I see you Richards.

Dorito had a dinner for her birthday even though it was already celebrated ad nauseam the week before in Vegas. PK which I understand stands for Phat Kunt, decided to invite all the girls to his wife's boring party at Villa Blanca. Dorito's hair looks like she was waterboarding and it wasn't until she arrived at the restaurant that I realised THAT was the final product. She literally looked like a sad, wet, dog. Camille was also there but does she matter? Season one Camille has left the building and all that is left is a sad shell of a woman that gives fake hellos and gets regular botox.

At the birthday lunch, Dorito's "present" was her son? She cried on the floor like a tired stripper before her son called Erika the bad guy. Of course she's the bad guy have you seen an Erika Jayne concert? The kid then called Lisa Vandercunt a bad guy. which is a probably more accurate description. Obviously Jagger has been hanging around Brandi Glanville. Teddi talked to Erika about how she felt dismissed by her in Vegas. Erika apologised and it was officially the most awkward moment ever. LVP also used her puppeteering skills to make Rinna give Dorito a speech, the same way she made Brandi sing to her a few years back. LVP's tricks are becoming more tired than her recycled confessional looks.

Erika is writing a book, well, getting someone to write her a book. This is very Teresa Giudice. They tell the authors about their life and the author writes it down into a book. I know the game they are playing. Erika talked about her father and how he literally never acknowledged her existence and that she's also only met him three times. The Pretty Mess also spilled the tea that her grandma would send photos of her to the grandpa on her father's side but he would send them back. Now that's cold. Her book meetings took place in the Erika Jayne Clubhouse which is the mothership for gay men everywhere.

Vandercunt, Rinna and Dorito all travelled to Teddi's horse show. Of course Dorito needed to criticise the Lisa's outfits because they weren't wearing a skintight dress and open toed shoes. Is this bitch kidding me? It's a horse show with shit and dirt everywhere and you are walking around in a dress and hells. Get the fuck outta here. On the limo ride over Rinna fangirled over the fact like LVP is officially three years older than her. In my opinion she looks thirty three years older than her but I guess Rinna is just getting better with age. Teddi road her horse and won first place. Horse racing is literally the most boring thing ever so I was hoping for a fail, but it didn't happen. Sad face. Dorito and LVP also continued to zing Rinna which is so boring at this point. Get a new storyline.

The final part of this boring episode that I had to sit through was Dorito's boring dinner with Teddi. I like Teddi and she doesn't deserve to have to sit through a bland dinner with two genuinely terrible human beings. Of course Dorito needed to brag about spending almost $20,000 on Hermes plates unknowingly. My brain is hurting. Teddi and her husband Edwin knocked on the rental door and were invited inside by their annoying hosts. Dorito freaked out about drinking champagne out of a wine glass which makes me want to plunge out of a three story building. Having dinner with PK and Dorito seems just as fun as plucking my toenails out one by one.

Teddi opened up about her scary IVF delivery and how she felt she was being punished because she picked the only boy embryo. She also shared that her son has a major heart problem and almost died, but PK thought that his conehead baby was the same thing. Yeah, a mother watched her son nearly die in front of her eyes but a lopsided head is the same thing. Knowing that PK was the father, a conehead is probably the best scenario.

Dorito bragged about her cooking which was essentially beans and rice which Teddi and Edwin had to smile and try to swallow. For some odd reason the whole dinner conversation was about Lisa Rinna's behaviour last year even though Dorit already made up with her. I THOUGHT IT WAS DONE. Know this is a fake bitch. Teddi saw right through Dorit's bullshit and I have a feeling that Miss Accountability will be bringing this conversation up in the future. Dorito also called Rinna schizophrenic which I think will probably become the word of the season.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.

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