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Vanderpump Rules Recap: Vaginal Self Esteem

I know I praise this show every week, but it just keeps getting better. Vanderpump Rules is literally my favourite show on TV right now and I think it should be considered a crime not to tune into the salacious Bravo show.

We picked up where we left off, which was the reveal that Tom Schwartz has been putting his tongue in mouths that do not belong to his wife. The guys were all chilling in his apartment until Hurricane Katie barrelled in and made Jax leave on his motorised cooler. I need one of those! The newlyweds started drunkenly fighting about their latest cheating scandal in which Katie ended the fight by proclaiming that Tom isn't the same man she married. Umm these two were fighting about Tom cheating two weeks before their wedding, so yes, this is exactly the man that she married.

Lala was back "working" at Sur when LVP came in to patrol the Sexy Unique Restaurant. Do they really expect us to believe that these people really still work there? I call total bullshit on that one. Katie called Lala over to talk about their latest mud slinging contest. She apologised for talking shit about Lala's sugar daddy and Lala admitted that Scheana was that one that carried the bone back to her. So now Katie's anger is being redirected to Scheana. LVP also pulled Katie aside to talk about Schwartz's infidelity and continued to make the entire situation about her.

The Schwartz-Maloney's went to get their dogs cleaned at Vanderpump Dogs while LVP tried to lay down the law to her new business partner Tom. Ugh. Yes, she officiated his wedding and yes, she is going into business with him, but what does his potential infidelity problems have to do with it. I am so sick of watching this over the hill, rich bitch, try and use her power to boss these people around. She may have gotten them the show but THEY are the ones who made it a success. I know the show is called Vanderpump Rules, but I would really love for Lisa to be fired because she adds nothing to the show expect faux storylines but continues to cash her sizeable checks. The same goes for RHOBH.

While the men of the show painted each other Katie, Kristen and Brittany all got drinks together to spill some serious tea. Katie Maloney-Schwartz is still pissed at Scheana for tattling on her to Lala so she hit back and claimed that Scheana's new boyfriend made out with another girl. Well played Katie.

The newest couple to have their fidelity questioned, Rob and Scheana, invited Sandoval and Ariana over to his massive (probably rented) Beverly Hills mansion so that Scheana could brag about her new relationship. In less than five minutes the newly divorcee managed to shade Shay in every way possible which is just so gross. The flashbacks of her old life were shocking because she literally has a new face. Scheana is the worst. Well the most annoying SURver bragged about having sex, Sandoval sat their begging his girlfriend to sleep with him but it was a hard no. Sorry Tom. Maybe go jack off to Ariana's new haircut again!

Lala and Ariana tried on clothes and talked about what a disgusting human being that Jax Taylor continues to be. Suddenly Lala started making huge statements about how wrong cheating is but she was the one bouncing on her married guy's dick. Don't get it twisted. Ariana also spilled the tea that she doesn't want to have sex because an abusive ex used to tell her that her vagina was disgusting. Lala came to the rescue and gave her some serious vaginal self esteem lessons. Lala may be a THOT on the outside but she really is caring and loving on the inside.

The episode ended with Jax & Brittany's housewarming party which is the dumbest idea ever. Not only did they move in months ago but he is a cunt that doesn't serve to even look at her Kentucky muffin. Brittany needs to take some of Lala's self esteem lessons and know her fucking worth so that we don't have to waste another season seeing her pop off at Jax only to watch her stay with him. Before the guests arrived Kristen (my lord and saviour) and Brittany decided to tell Scheana about Rob's cheating ways before she found from someone else. Of course she denied it and fake laughed it off to try and pretend that she has the perfect relationship. Scheana makes my head hurt.

DJ James Kennedy rocked up to the party with a toilet paper cake for Jax because he is a POS which is the perfect present for Jax. Maybe James isn't such an annoying douchebag. Also, what happened to his potential gay lover Logan? Where's he been? The gang also played a round of alcohol spin the bottle but Schwartz had to sit out because of his cheating tendencies when he's drunk. Tom also talked about his new way of life when he was doing his hair and said "I used to black out but I’m reformed now, but I still like to get drunk." Now THAT is a Housewives tagline.

Stassi also got stuck talking to Scheana about Jax & Brittany's relationship and said that it takes a long time to realise that you're in a bad relationship and like clock work, Scheana made the conversation about her and how it took her seven years to realise the same thing about Shay. FUCK OFF! This girl was obsessed with Shay and wouldn't shut up about her tacky wedding to him so why is she changing the narrative now? Stassi stood there and rolled her eyes knowing that Scheana could use some of Jax's toilet paper cake because she is full of shit.

Towards the end of the party everybody was absolutely wasted and Jax & Brittany started fighting about petty bullshit while Kristen and Lala eavesdropped from the balcony. Those are my kind of people. After Brittany was done having a drunken spat with her boyfriend, Lala decided to pull out her receipts and show Brittany a recording of Jax talking shit about her which that Faith sent her. This sensitive southern girl had been drinking all day so it probably wasn't the best time to show her something so depressing. For some odd reason we didn't get to hear the audio recording but Brittany came into the party and kicked Jax out of the apartment - again. THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD! YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS UP!

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

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