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Vanderpump Rules Recap: Fatal Attraction

Everyone except the Witches of WeHo were up in Big Bear and Grandpa Jax, who didn't want to sleep in a twin bed because of his "bad back", decided to run, work out and go for a swim. After 10 seconds Jax got stuck in the water, couldn't breathe because of the "altitude" and needed to be rescued by the beefy lifeguard. During his peril Jax's life flashed before his eyes. When you're about to die, normally all the good moments in your life flash before you (allegedly) so Bravo took the opportunity to remind us of all the shitty things Jax Taylor has done in a nice, dramatic package. These editors are working HARD for their coin, they need a pay rise for that scene alone!

This show has become a straight up comedy. I don't care what the issue is, if you're pushing 40 and get can't swim in a lake, then you suck. The rest of the crew had the same feeling and all died laughing when they heard that Jax nearly drowned. It was funny to watch until Scheana joined in, which made me what to slit my wrists and swap places with Jax. Scheana Shay is the worst.

Throughout the entire episode Jax kept reminding everyone how he nearly died. Umm, if your 40 and nearly drowned from swimming in a lake, I wouldn't keep bringing it up. Also, is everyone forgetting that Jax cheated with his girlfriend's friend in the same room where an elderly woman was sleeping. Before you want to feel sorry for Jax, remember that little nugget of info!

LVP decided for TomTom that she'll invite the two boys to head to Vegas to meet light designers, oh and the trip just so happens to fall on Sandoval's birthday. Cut the crap. Couldn't she just order these things online. Lisa Vanderpump is producing this show and trying her hardest to create a good storyline. Naturally Jax suggested that they all turn the trip into a birthday weekend and LVP agreed. Her shrivelled up pussy probably gleamed with delight at the thought of The Hangover-esque shenanigans that the Tom's could get up to in Vegas when they are supposed to be there for a business meeting. First of fucking all, who has business meetings in Vegas that aren't about strippers or drugs? Vegas is like crack to these SURvers, so why would you take these addicts to the supply base. I SEE YOU LISA VANDERCUNT!

After the Vegas discussion was concluded, the gang, except the awkward threesome that is James, Lala & Raquel, all got on Rob's boat to hear Scheana brag even more about her very uninterested boo. Scheana Shay has almost become a caricature of herself with all the bragging. She looks so fucking dumb but she has no self awareness to see that. Oh, Lala's tits were also out because apparently that's what normal people do. They were good tits though!

DJ James Kennedy and Lala went paddle boarding together, with her bikini top on, but they were still being weirdly romantic on this trip and he pretty much confirmed in his confessionals that he only settled for Bambi Raquel because Lala run off to chase some rich dick. Seeing Raquel stand at the shore look at her boyfriend flirt with another girl and then walk away back into the house with the depressing background music playing was the saddest thing I've seen. These editors are my new favourite people in life. I need to send them a fruit basket or something.

After the boat ride Rob took Jax & Sandoval out to sea to vent about his diaster of a girlfriend Scheana, that was paired to her obsessive confessionals. Rob basically turned down the Princess of Brunei to be with Scheana fucking Shay. He had the chance to become a royal of a country but instead chose to date a THOT. Good choice Rob! He also confirmed what we already know, which is that even Rob believes that she is too full on and that he doesn't actually love her. Bloop! And it's camera Scheana, so take that.

For the final night in Big Bear, all the adults and Raquel went to sleep while her boyfriend and Lala got in the hot tub and talked about how they flirt too much. Maybe get out of the hot tub to have this conversation? I think that James has this underlying feeling like they are supposed to be together or that they have a love that supersedes everything else but they aren't Kim & Kanye or Carrie & Big or even Chris Brown & Rihanna. He's a twink that's got one foot in the closet and she's a THOT with a sugar daddy. This isn't a love story, it's just the background of a bad 2000's pop music video. DJ James Kennedy also said "Ray J hit it before Kanye" referring to himself as Ray J and Lala's new man as Kanye, but isn't James the White Kanye West? He really fucked up his analogy there.

With the Big Bear trip finally over, Scheana decided to pack boxes up of Shay's stuff while listening to her horrible song blaring in the background of her dingy apartment. That song wasn't good when she was dancing on a bar singing it in 2012, and it sure isn't good six seasons later in her man cave of a home. Kristen stopped by to give her a birthday present that was about 3 months late, and some tea about what Jax had been saying behind her back. Jax came back from Big Bear and told everyone that Rob didn't love Scheana and that she's fucking crazy. I'm sorry, is that new information?

Of course when my lord and saviour Kristen Doute brought it up, Scheana was in denial and went into overdrive about how in love her and Rob are but that he shows it instead of saying it. What? Is she on meth? I think Bravo needs to take out some mandatory drug testing because that guy does not act like he's in love with her. He is more concerned with his dog's haemorrhoids then he is with his relationship with Scheana. According to Scheana, the happy couple want to be married, find a house together and have already named their first baby, it's Madison by the way. Scheana is Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Let's just hope Rob doesn't own a bunny. After realising that Jax tried to fuck with her relationship, Scheana decided to fuck with his. And even though Kristen could see that Miss Shay should be placed on a 5150, she nodded with excitement at the thought of someone else being on her team to take down Jax Taylor.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

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