RHOBH Recap: Threesomes Don't Work
Saint Camille's daughter walked in a NYFW show on a military ship which the whole cast attended however the fashion show was overshadowed by the awkward tension that all of the botox addicted ladies were feeling. The group were still reeling from the previous night where Kyle roasted Dorito for talking shit about both her and LVP but Miss Vandercunt ended up offering to go home with Dorito. A mess it was, but not a mess I needed to care about. These beefs are so superficial and dumb. I don't know why Bravo is wasting their time filming this menopausal crew when they should just bring Brandi Glanville back to REALLY provide us with the drama we need, she more than proved herself on Celebrity Big Brother.
After the show Erika's gays dressed their barbie doll for Kyle's trunk show at her Upper East Side store. One of Miss Jayne's crafty gays constructed a wig piece that was both trashy and sexy at the same time. It gave me a "Coked Up Hooker Vibe" which isn't necessarily are a bad thing, unless you're Danielle Staub and then that's your only vibe. SHADE! It doesn't even have to be a RHONJ recap and I'll still find a way to shade the infamous prostitution whore.
Kyle also had a faux bob going on which wasn't great and I could have done without that. Rinna stopped by Miss Richards room to get caught up on all the drama which she lapped up. Lisa Rinna is a bigger gossip than, actually, I can't think of a bigger gossip. Maybe me? When Rinna said those lips were made for talking she meant it and that is the reason why she's my favourite. I love an unapologetic gossip like myself because everyone does it, just be honest about it. After getting the rundown from Kyle, Rinna established that threesomes never work. Never have been truer words been spoken. Sure the idea of a threesome is thrilling and maybe it's fun in the beginning, but they always end with someone crying on the floor and a whole lot of mess. THREESOMES DON'T WORK.
LVP and Dorito also had a sit-down where Miss Kemsley didn't own a fucking thing and put most of the blame onto Kyle, which is probably the most Dorito thing ever. It's very on brand for the accent confused housewife. LVP also managed to slide in some subtle shade that she's basically only friends with Dorito because of PK, which is the entire crux of the issue. Let me breakdown for y'all.
Lisa Vanderpump or Vandercunt, depending where you're from, didn't want to speak up the night before or make an issue on camera with Dorito because she's friends with her husband. This isn't a real relationship to Lisa. Dorito Kemsley is merely a pawn in her Housewives chess game that she's been playing since season one. She doesn't want or need a beef with Dorito because she needs as many allies on her team as possible and she could rather be good with her than run the risk of fucking up her relationship with PK. Onto the other party: Kyle, who's always been LVP's easiest scapegoat. Those two aren't really friends either, ever since season five those two have decided that the "fans" like them together and that they are stronger together than they are apart. That's why Kyle stuck up for LVP through all the Munchausen drama when she knew she was wrong and that's why it's so upsetting to Kyle that LVP didn't have her back now against Dorito.
At Kyle's store her godson paraded his faux fur coats around and I thought he was Delilah Belle Hamlin for a split second. Maybe it was the blonde hair and the filler? Bethenny Frankel rocked up because her and Kyle have been "friends" for 25 years. I'm not sure how close they actually are but there's only ever been one flashback photo of the two of them together and if you've been "BFFs" for over two decades then I'd think you would have more than one hazy photo together. Kyle of course filled Miss Frankel in on all the drama and the wise talker came to the conclusion that LVP's behaviour the night before was the product of a thank you/fuck you = a thunk you, which is a Housewives-ism that originated in the New York realm last season when Tinsley threw Sonja a "thunk you" party for letting her stay in The Townhouse, but I digress.
A low-key war broke out between Bethenny and LVP, which consisted of Vanderpump's shady response in her confessionals about being "a bigger person" but the Skinnygirl could wipe the floor with her tired British ass. This tiny crossover just highlights how on RHONY they are real, upfront and honest compared to their RHOBH counterparts who are passive aggressive and only have storylines that revolve around saying things on and off camera. Every franchise needs a Bethenny Frankel. Love her or hate her but she keeps everyone honest and accountable (sorry Teddi!) while still providing a certain level of snark to every situation. God, I can't wait for Beverly Hills to wind up so we can get back on track with the New York ladies. I need them! Dorito managed to keep out of Bethenny's direct eye range which is good for her because B would make mince meat out of that pretentious, wig wearing, Kylie Jenner wannabe. Rinna was also overjoyed that Kyle was potentially coming out of LVP's wrinkled 85-year-old ass but we all know that's not going to last long.
After Bethenny left, the show got boring again and the entire gang went back to Beverly Hills. Teddi went on over to Villa Rosa and brought some common sense with her. The newbie told LVP to apologise to Kyle for hurting her feelings and that Dorito doesn't own up to anything that she does. I'm really liking Teddi Jo, she's like a mini Bethenny but in a southern kind of way. She should start running "Accountablity 101" lessons for this group but we all know that would just erupt into a shit show with this lot. In the end, LVP and Kyle had lunch at Villa Blanca while drinking Vanderpump Rose because Lisa decided her products weren't getting enough advertisement already. LVP ended up apologising to Kyle who immediately got shot right back up Lisa's rectum.
BRING BRANDI BACK! I feel like I need to get that on a t-shirt or something.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.