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Vanderpump Rules Recap: The Mullet

Lisa Vanderpump's master plan of taking the Toms to Vegas on Sandoval's birthday to look at light fixtures for their new restaurant finally came into play this episode. I can see right through this shady excuse of a plot line and it's so obvious that LVP and her producers were trying to create a Hangover-esque moment that she could yell at them about on camera and then orgasm about in the editing room when she gets to see the mess that her shady idea created. I see you Vanderpump. Also were there absolutely no light and glassware places in Los Angeles that she could have gone too? Shady boots.

Even though I can totally see through this clearly contrived plot line, let's play along. Schwartz, Sandoval, Jax and their girlfriends took off for Vegas where LVP upgraded the Toms to the VIP suite and left Jax and Brittany alone in their less glamorous but still expensive room a few floors down. Why are Jax and Brittany even there? I'm surprised Jax is still allowed in that state of Nevada after all these years considering the rap sheet he's developed in Sin City such as: impregnating a pornstar while dating Stassi, fighting shirtless in a carpark and just being an overall douchebag, but then again, this is Las Vegas we're talking about. Schwartz described this trip as the mullet: business in the front and party in the back which is a smart analogy, but I hope no ones doing anal. Who am I kidding, we know Jax is.

While the boys went down to the bar to talk about how Sandoval feels like he's been kissing his sister, the girls remained in the suite that was pimped out with a sex swing where Brittany confessed that she thinks she's pregnant because of her constant throwing up. Maybe it's all the fireball you've been drinking? She also spilled the tea that she isn't on the pill and they don't use condoms. Jax also confessed he only pulls out 75% of the time. What the actual fuck. Obviously Sherri wasn't teaching any sex ed lessons back in Kentucky. If your boyfriend is a serial cheater and talked shit about you in a voice recording why would you let him stick it in you without at least wearing a condom. Pregnancy aside, who knows the kind of nasty STD's that his one-eyed yogurt slinger could be riddled with.

Nothing else in this episode matters aside from this. Brittany peed on the stick and we found out that it was a big fat no. There must be a god somewhere. In my heart I'm thrilled that Brittany isn't pregnant because it means that when she finally wakes up she won't be tied to him forever, however my brain wanted her to be three months pregnant so that Jax and her would have a shotgun wedding for the season finale. Now THAT would be good TV but I don't think Kristen or any of the other WeHo Witches would allow that shit show to go down. Stassi would definitely not be planning that wedding. Maybe Kevin Lee can help? Jax admitted that he was sad because he wants kids and thinks that he will be a good father. Run for the fucking hills Brittany because Jax will be that alcoholic dad that forgets to pick the kids up from soccer practice and is sleeping with the entire PTA. Get your shoes on and FUCKING RUN before it's too late!

The squad wooped it up and were in bed around 2am which is a new record. The Tom's woke up bright eyed and bushed tailed which was surprising as fuck. To be honest, I (and Lisa Vanderpump) really wanted them to have a tiger and a couple hookers running around their room but they were both coherent and awake which was less than satisfying to watch. They went to the glassware place because I suppose there are no places with glasses and plates in LA ,and met Ken and LVP there. As per usual Lisa Vanderpump didn't want their opinions and overrode the entire session because she's had 32 other restaurants. Well good for you but then why do you need to drag the Toms along if you and Ken can do it by yourselves?

Of course the gang wooped it up again for night two and went even harder. Schwartz was chugging the bottle, his eyes were glassy and he was trying to pull Sandoval's pants down which is when you know that he is passed the point of fucked. I'm just surprised he didn't make out with some random whore. Luckily Katie was on the trip. The crew crashed at around 3am which was pretty modest for them considering they celebrated a birthday in Vegas. They weren't even late for meeting Ken and LVP, I just don't think they were exactly on time. Also why are Pandora and Jason there? I can't think of anything more emasculating than having your mother-in-law's rose line be the biggest thing in your life. Jason is too happy to actually be happy, there must be some shady secret that he has like that's having an affair, or that he's gay or he wears womens clothing like Bruce used too. There is something there and I'm surprised he haven't seen his Grindr profile spread across the Daily Mail already.

The Toms arrived and went with LVP and her, husband turned butler, Ken to the lighting place, because again, I guess Vegas is in the only place in the world with light fixtures. Who would have thought. Jason and Pandora didn't accompany them to the store, probably so Jason could sneak away and live his double life. There's something there! Aside from me guessing LVP's son-in-law's questionable side hustle the scene was pretty boring. LVP rejected all of the Toms ideas and steamed rolled the entire process. She's only using them to make money off their names for the restaurant and for a storyline. If they are business partners like they say why doesn't she actually use her ears and listen to their suggestions. Ugh, I'm sick of this storyline already.

Back in LA, Lala was getting ready for her music showcase which Stassi is "planning" and her man isn't attending, obviously because they'll be cameras present. Lala is focused on making the show a success and that includes not allowing DJ James Kennedy to have a sip of alcohol but something tells me that a quick thinking producer is going to "accidentally" trade his water in for a vodka. Lala also gave Scheana some realness and told her to calm the fuck down and not plan her future with Rob. Scheana didn't listen to a single word of her advice and continued to make every situation about her which continued to add to on my growing migraine which is the annoyance of Scheana Shay.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

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