RHOBH Recap: Stripper At Heart
NOTHING HAPPENED THIS WEEK! NOTHING! I wish this was just a fluke but this entire season has been tired and boring. Not even Lisa Rinna prancing around in lingerie could save that. Someone bring back Brandi Glanville and do it fast because this franchise is sinking faster than the RHONY's boat in Colombia. Too soon?
Saint Camille is still coming to terms with her new vagina because the doctors had to remove the top part of it due to cancer. What the actual fuck? I love Camille but how is that possible? Apparently she's missing her hymen which is kind of scary. I kinda want to look at her cunt now. Oops, we know that words a sore spot of Miss Grammer. We see you Dorito! This just shows us that Ariana Madix's pussy problems are nothing compared to Camille's, I mean she's missing half her kitty cat. Aside from her vagina issues Camille is fucking hot and so is Lisa Rinna who was owning it in her little mask. Rinna thinks that Camille is a stripper at heart, but aren't we all after a couple of cocktails? The two divas strutted their stuff in lingerie and concluded the only actual entertaining part of this very, very boring episode.
Teddi met up with one of her accountability clients and had a sweat-sess together which is basically where you dress up like a baked potato and sweat for a couple of hours. It sounds like spending a night with PK. Teddi's job literally consists of her texting her clients to make them send her a photo of their food and to remind them to go for a run. How do I get that job and manage to live in Beverly Hills with an OC beach house? I definitely think that Daddy Mellencamp helped out with those down payments.
Erika Jayne is still taking over the world, this time the digital world on Kim Kardashian's game. Miss Jayne is going to be a playable character in Kim's game, but does anyone even play it even more? Seriously, comment below if you are still playing because I don't even think that North herself is interested in playing that game. Also why wasn't Kim in the meeting? I understand she's busy raising three kids and taking photos of her bare boobs but couldn't she have stopped by the clubhouse to grant us with an epic reality TV crossover moment because that would have been enough to save this sleep inducing episode.
Camille threw a charity event for cancer with cupcake perfumes. Eh. I can't really shit on the cause because it was an amazing charity but the event was more dull than hearing Angelina Jolie talk about her 85 foreign children. Rinna managed to skip out on the event by being sick which was evident by her many Instagram stories. Lisa Rinna's Instagram stories are more interesting than the actual show at this point, and at least she has proof of being sick because all know that the word munchausen can be thrown around a bit too easy in this group. LVP threw some of her tired digs at Dorito at the event because she's still mad about her shit talking. Ugh. The fight still isn't over because now Dorito is blaming Teddi for telling Kyle about the shit talking. Who fucking cares? If you didn't say it then she wouldn't be able to repeat it.
Vanderpump left the party early to see her husband Ken for a romantic dinner. Really? We all know that he hasn't been inside her dusty gash for the last two decades. Why else do you think Cedric stayed with them? Dorito wanted to mend her friendship with LVP and she thought the best way to go about it was to straddle her as she was leaving the party. Wrong move Kemsley. We already know that Lisa Vanderpump is slowly but swiftly plotting her revenge on Dorito, she might be playing nice with her passive aggressive digs now but trust and believe that LVP is never going to let the accent confused housewife live this down. Is the biggest drama of the season really about Dorito calling Lisa needy?
Cut me a fucking break and give Brandi Glanville her diamond. Brandi brought the drama and pissed everyone off which caused them to bring their A game to the table and actually provide us with watchable TV, not this tedious pissing watch over who is Vanderpump's closet confident.
Lisa Vanderpump's 185th birthday party finally rolled around and the entire cast, except for Rinna, put on their faces and went over to Villa Rosa to help celebrate this mundane event. LVP tried to be her "fun and silly" self by giving Dorito rose in some green dingy glass that probably cost $300. HA, what a joker that Vanderpump. Yawn. Kevin Lee was there planning the party, so I guess the scorned Edna Mode lookalike hasn't been completely shut out of all things Bravo after he fat shamed Katie Maloney a few weeks back. Everyone gave LVP presents that she didn't need and Camille gave Dorito a ball gag so that she can shut the fuck up. Someone should have got her that present years ago! I love that season one Camille is low-key making her triumphant comeback!
Of course Miss Jayne didn't miss a beat to say that she loves a good ball gag. Mmm, what do her and Tom really get it up to? They would definetly have to have a 50 Shades of Grey style red room in that massive Pasadena estate.
This 185th birthday lunch sucks. It's awkward, it's silent and theres a ball gag sitting on the table. Apparently LVP decided that Teddi is her new favourite which won't last long when she's fired at the end of the season. I enjoy Teddi but we all know that her Bravo career won't be going anywhere. For some reason Dorito couldn't get over Camille's petty ball gag gift, but Erika was quick to remind us that THIS is the woman who wanted Erika to laugh off PK seeing her vagina last season by gifting her underwear. Dorito needs to take a sip of her own medicine and calm the fuck down. It's a ball gag not a grenade, but I almost wish it was because then I wouldn't be forced to watch PK and Dorito call each other bubba every week.
Ugh. I'm bored and I've been bored for the past couple of seasons now. I don't like complaining about the Housewives but Beverly Hills sucks, in fact a lot of the franchises haven't been up to par lately. Let's just hope that Andy Cohen and the Bravo gods hear my prayers and hand Brandi Glanville a big, juicy diamond for season nine because we all saw that midseason trailer and it sucks more than a hooker on Sunset on a Friday night.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.