top of page

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Jeepers Creepers

This week the women of the group continued on their #MeToo plight. I love it when they stick together but sometimes just because you have a vagina doesn't mean that you can't get mad at another person with a vagina, which is exactly what Lala is doing. Women standing as a united front doesn't mean that they can't duke it out when they don't agree.

The new transgender girl on the show, Billie Lee, went over to Kristen's apartment which had a surprisingly big kitchen. Get that Miss Doute! Billie Lee spilled the tea that Ariana's brother had asked her out which was immediately met with Stassi calling him creepy and Kristen asking if he was taking her to a public place. The tea that Stassi served was that Jeremy was hitting on all the girls at Katie's wedding and they thought he was creepy. Now, I haven't heard Jeremy speak for the majority of the time that he has been on the show so this was super surprising. I think he was probably a little drunk and wanted to fulfil the ultimate cliche of fucking a bridesmaid at a wedding, but I don't think that he's a creepy Harvey Weinstein wannabe, which was kind of what this episode was implying. However after doing some googling I stumbled upon a very shady article claiming that he previously beat up and threatened to kill his ex-girfriend, so there's that.

Sure enough, Billie Lee opened her big transgender mouth and a game of telephone ensued. Ugh. Telephone is an amazing device when used well on reality TV because not everyone was there for the original conversation and the entire context of the conversation gets lost which just leads to fighting. Of course Stassi's comments made their way back to Ariana and Sandoval who were outraged at the claims, but they weren't there. Just because they know Jeremy doesn't mean that he wasn't acting creepy at the wedding and who are they to determine how Stassi felt about a conversation that they weren't involved in? They did not see the situation, so they can't make a judgement of what happened.

The sexually challenged couple seemed to think that Miss Schroder had some preconceived, malicious plan to take down Jeremy but all she was doing was providing some tea on a guy that her friend was about to go on a date with. Oh and thanks Billie for carrying the conversation to the rest of the group. If she really had such an issue why didn't she just talk to Stassi and Kristen about it in the kitchen instead of sitting there looking shocked with those perfectly manicured eyebrows and then creating an issue about it. Ugh.

Jeremy himself seems like the perfect gentlemen. He's got a cute Stuart Little grunge vibe going on, he didn't care that Billie Lee used to have a penis and he single handedly saved Sur from burning to the ground. He seems pretty fucking awesome, if you excuse his domestic violence past. At first I wasn't sure why we needed to watch two of the background characters go on a date but whatever, it was cute seeing the WeHo bartender turned firefighter flirt with the new trans chick. I hope a long night of fucking followed their casual dinner, let's just hope he wasn't threatening to kill anyone, actually maybe we should because Billie Lee needs a storyline for the rest of the season!

Scheana who removed all her and Shay's wedding paraphernalia from her apartment and replaced it with photos of her and Rob in Kardashian-esque photo booths, was on a mission to "fuck with Jax's relationship." The bootleg Kardashian hooked Brittany up with the hot new bartender at Sur to try and show her that there are better people in the world than Jax. These girls could get Brittany and her Kentucky muffin a date with George Clooney, Idris Elba or Mauricio Umansky and she's still not going to change because for some fucked up reason she's still head over heels in love with the walking dumpster that is Jax Taylor.

It's frustrating and it's annoying but she's going keep throwing him birthday parties at Hooters and buying him drum kits until she wakes up and realises what a shitty person Jax is, for herself. Like an alcoholic you can't help them unless they want to help themselves and all the advice from Scheana about being a 32 year old divorcee is not going to help Brittany to leave Jax anytime soon, in fact it's probably convincing her to stay.

Jax obviously does't want to be with her which was evident when he was giving her the classic manipulative speech of "if you're not happy then maybe we should break up." It is more clear than the botched nose on his face that he is waiting for her to end the relationship. I mean he's cheated with her friend, said disgusting things about her on an audio recording and continues to constantly deflect his bad behaviour onto her and bring up that she's also not perfect when he's the one who fucks anything with a pulse. Actually screw that, we would fuck a drain pipe if he had the chance. It's almost like a game of chicken, they are both doing the most to see who is going to break up with the other first. Hopefully when they reunion rolls around they will announce that they are over because I can't handle another season of Brittany walking around "threatening" to leave Jax and find another man when we all know he could impregnate a stripper in front of her and she'd still find an excuse to say with him.

DJ James Kennedy also got a visit from his dad who looks like PK crossed with an animated glowworm. Apparently he was George Michael's manager and then lost all his money which basically led to his divorce with James mother. Seeing James cry about his parents divorce really humanised him and made me realise why he's such an asshole. He's hurting on the inside and projects this cocky, annoying exterior to try and lie to himself that he is all those things, to take away from his shitty situation. Pain is a common thread amongst this group.

Scheana obviously is in denial about her life because she thought she was going to have the perfect fairytale but that went down the drain when she realised her husband was a chubby drug addict which caused her to have to restart from square one and try to make herself believe that Rob was always her prince charming. This group is driven by pain, which is entertaining on the surface but I kind of just want to give the whole cast a hug and tell them it's gonna be okay because right now Schwartz and Katie are probably the most secure and stable on the show and that is saying something.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

bottom of page