Vanderpump Rules Recap: Too Much Rob
We picked up with Lala and Stassi still reeling from Jax's shitty behaviour at the end of the previous episode but I think even they are learning that they can't help Brittany if she won't help herself. Kristen had been drinking since 8am the previous morning and was shit faced, do I need to remind you guys why she's my favourite?
After the Witches of WeHo were done bitching about Jax and Brittany's fucked up relationship they went to the beach and gave Lala an initiation into the Witches of WeHo by skinny dipping in the ocean. I mean would it even be a cast trip if these girls didn't swim around naked in large bodies of water? This group has really come full circle considering last year Lala was walking around with a scarlet letter pinned to her chest and now she's a fully fledged member of the Witches of WeHo. Scheana must be jealous, but she probably didn't take the time to notice Lala's new relationships with the other girls because she is so far up Rob's ass perfectly manscaped ass.
Following her initiation ceremony Lala climbed into bed with her bottle of warm milk and went to sleep like a baby. Is it weird that I didn't even blink once at the sight of seeing a 27-year-old woman drink out of a bottle like an infant? Maybe that's what years of watching reality shows has done to my brain. Also how did it take us this long to find out about Lala's weird ritual, I know that she likes older guys but this baby kink is next level.
Schwartz was Schwasted and it must be pretty cool to be such a notorious drunk that you have your own adjective. Stassi climbed into bed with TomKat because Kristen was having an anxiety attack about travelling and while I worship Kristen and she can do no wrong, I would have also just wanted some good fucking sleep too. Stassi also told the story of how Kristen had a similar freakout in Copenhagen and they just left her there and went to Paris. Wouldn't that make the anxiety even worse? How did Kristen get home? Did she know they were ditching her? Did she just wake up and they were gone? I have so many questions and I'm so mad that a camera crew wasn't there to capture it all. I need Vanderpump Rules for all 52 weeks of the year!
The next day all the SURvers woke up and Jax played with his negativity rock because of how he was "attacked" the night before. Wow, Kelsey must be really good in bed because no man is going to blow into a rock if the pussy isn't good. Everyone went to the waterpark which just looked like a beach where people can get drunk and jump off rocks, so naturally it was ideal for this group. Apart from seeing everyone floating around and getting drunk the only real drama was between Stassi and Kristen.
The two girls who have both been on Jax's dick were annoyed at each other because Kristen is bad to travel with and Stassi was making everything her fault. Look, we all have those friends that we love but we just know not to travel with but unfortunately Stassi is on a reality show with hers. Next time, Stassi needs to be smart and take a man on the trip so that she can get her own room and Kristen can be forced to share with someone else. That's the smart thing to do. Stassi also claimed that sharing a room with Kristen is like having a member of ISIS in your hotel room and I can already tell that all the trolls online are going to come for Stassi's life over her latest racial slur, but I know exactly what she means. However there would probably be less blood on the floor if she was sharing the room with an actual member of ISIS. Later the BFFs made up and Kristen admitted that she'll just stick to Xanax and eatables in the future to control her travelling nerves. Seriously, do I have to explain why Miss Doute is my favourite person on television?
After a pretty uneventful day all the SURvers went out to dinner at a restaurant that was also called Sur but was in Mexico. You just know that LVP was kicking herself that she missed the opportunity to go global with her Sexy Unique Restaurant. Scheana launched into her loop of bragging about Rob and she has become so immune to talking about her boyfriend that she literally said the exact same things that she said in Big Bear, which the producers shadily supported with flashbacks. She needs to stop, I mean how many times can we hear about his ability to hang a TV? I would turn Scheana bragging about Rob into a drinking game but I would get too hammered by the time I had to write this recap. Actually booze might make this recap even better?!
DJ James Kennedy also talked about his past bullying experiences and now I know exactly why he's such an asshole. This season I feel like James has really redeemed himself and isn't the entitled cunt that we've known for all these years. I never, ever thought I would actually give praise to DJ James Kennedy but he deserves it after the solid season that he's delivered. He is that quintessential broken bird that LVP also compares the RHOBH newbies to.
Finally the episode ended with Jax confronting Scheana about her trying to hook Brittany up with the new hot bartender at Sur and I am so over this dumb storyline. First of all, why is Jax pretending that he cares about Brittany? He should be happy that she has a back up guy so that she has someone to comfort her when she walks in on him plowing Kelsey. Come on, we all know it's going to happen. Personally, I think all the girls should find a guy each and try to set Brittany up with him because even OJ would be better than Jax, at least he's got coins in the bank!
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!