RHOBH Recap: Berlin And Bitches

Another week of nothing actually happening. Yay. Seriously this season is B-O-R-I-N-G. I know many of you readers have been giving me shade for wanting Brandi Glanville to return but she was made to be a Real Housewife and she would definitely save this shitty franchise. Please Bravo Gods!

All the storylines are stale and I don't know how many more times I can physically hear about Dorito designing her swimwear line. I don't know many fucks I can give that are less than none. Erika invited Rinna & Dorito over, who are weirdly becoming my new RHOBH Dream Team (RIP Yolanda), to brag about her new gig as an avatar in the Kim Kardashian iPhone Game. I guess the benchmark of a successful reality star is to appear in another reality star's internet game. All three ladies talked about how "lucky" they are to have the opportunity to be able to pursue their careers as women over 40 but they are Real Housewives whose husbands (with the exception of Lisa "The Hustler" Rinna) fund their businesses and make it possible for them to work.

I also lived for Erika's self shade when Rinna said that as an actress a you can only get a role if you are a 25-year-old girl playing the wife of a 50-year-old man and the Gay icon extraordinaire quickly reminded us that that is the reality of her life. HA! Those shady Bravo producers even provided us with a flashback picture that included a caption of the couple's severe age difference. It may have shocked some viewers but it only reminded me of my inevitable reality when I realised I only have $9.34 in the bank! Sure a good work ethic and a great resume is nice but a strong back and a sexy pair of DSL's is what really pays the bills.

LVP also held her screening for her film "The Road To Yulin" which has literally been her storyline for the last three years. Yeah killing dogs and stuff is sad but find something else to make you interesting. That was kinda shitty to say considering she just lost two dogs in a week and then had to re-watch her film about man's best friend being slaughtered. Sorry to all the devout Vanderpump supporters who I know will read me to filth in those comments below. Apart from the sad dog video, the ladies trying to plug their businesses and Kyle moving houses the only other content in this episode came from the Berlin trip. Ugh. This may be the worst Real Housewives trip ever. The destination isn't great (sorry to all the Berlin readers) but everyone knows that the most entertaining trips are in tropical regions because the women are drinking in the sun all day and are bound to pop off at some stage. Obviously the producers didn't get the memo about this cardinal Housewives rule.

The ladies touched down in Germany and Dorito was "violently" ill because she had indulged in Rinna's goody bag of pills on the plane and found out from the Daddy Doctor at the hotel that she mixed two pills that shouldn't be mixed. That is such a Dorito thing to do. Erika also got the Presidential suite because it is "her trip" even though her business meeting that she was flying there for got moved to LA. But I guess the producers had already booked the tickets and couldn't get a refund. By the way, each woman had 4 bags each and all have meticulously planned outfits which I am so over. In New York they just wear jeans and don't walk around with a bevy of Gays to touch them up at everyone moment, which is just one of the reasons that it will always be infinitely better than Beverly Hills.

To end their first night in Berlin, everyone with the exception of Dorito had drinks together which caused LVP to ask Rinna why she is "less engaged" in the group this year which was basically her way of saying "why aren't you making anymore drama this season." Lisa Vandercunt has been checked out for the last three seasons so she has no business to comment on anyone else's participation in the group. Obviously Lisa Rinna was sick of being labelled the bad guy when she was the only one making the show interesting and worth watching so she decided to talk a backseat to all the drama. Ugh. LVP is such a master manipulator and I'm so happy that Rinna isn't under the spell of her dusty muff anymore.

After Erika joined the ladies the conversation naturally turned to sex which prompted LVP to make one of her rehearsed sex jokes about sleeping naked during an earthquake when her grandma Nanny Kay was staying with her. Kyle didn't know who Nanny Kay was, even though she had lived with LVP for 25 years and is referenced by her all the time, which was supported by flashbacks. Even Erika knew who Nanny Kay was and she couldn't give a fuck about any of these women or their extended families. This is just another example of how LVP and Kyle aren't real friends. They never see each other when there aren't Bravo cameras present, they obviously have a very strict alliance to not turn on each other and they don't even listen to each others stories. Do they sound like real friends to you?

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.